Things Are Getting Better
Originally Posted 5-10-04

Hello, my intended...

Well, here we are again.

I found out the glitch I experienced last week - which apparently cost me much of the payoff to the Regal/Dinsmore build - was due to some slacker at the cable company forgetting to switch the tape out after the 'local' commercials were through. In case nobody knows what I'm talking about, local cable companies routinely sell advertising space on their channels, and will show the commercials of their respective 'local' sponsors by 'cutting away' from the commercials the station in question is actually showing, and then 'cutting back' before the show starts back up. In case you ever wondered why you got 'blurbs' of commercials on your cable, that's why.

At any rate, I am assured that the chode responsible for this is fucking fired, even though I was the only person to complain about it.

This suggests - at least to me - that everyone else on my shitbag cable provider either doesn't have the spine required to make a complaint, or was watching something besides Raw... Neither possibility makes me feel too special, but I digress.

Speaking of things that make me feel special, I took something of a spill on the job today. I had to step over a counter top we weren't quite ready to install in order to get at the sheetrock I needed to carry to the third floor to do my own work, which was finishing off a partition wall at the top of the 3d floor stairwell. I had managed this feat twice already, and I only needed one more to finish up.

Unfortunately, the sheetrock snagged on something else in the supply area, and I went spilling over the counter top on the floor - sheetrock and all. To my credit, I didn't let the damn thing go the whole way to the ground. If I had, it would likely have smashed me in the chops when Gravity decided to step in.

So, there I was, bent backwards over the counter top still clutching the sheetrock I needed to finish my task. My coworkers helped me back to a vertical base and - after I shook off the dust - I returned to work. It was a long day, and this happened at around 15:30, so I really wasn't sure if I was hurt or just tired. I decided I'd be tired and just finished out the day.

As we were cleaning up, one of the coworkers noted that my right wrist appeared 'swollen'. Indeed, I felt some pain in that wing, but pretty much wrote it off as the carpal tunnel that comes with the territory. I've never even considered the operation, mostly because I'm still only 33 and if the doctors fuck things up, it's a (hopefully) long stretch of the rest of my life that would be even longer because I'd be unable to do pretty much anything, ever again. Including typing up these fucking recaps... Sure they've raised the success rate from 50/50 to 80/20 with the advent of lasers, but it's still too big a risk to my thinking...

Even 'success' only allows limited use of the wing, kids. I make my living with my hands, and while most people would jump at the chance to rack back and collect Disability, I'm not most people. I can take a little pain. I can even take a lot of it. Most days it's the former, some days it's the latter, but I deal with it and get my work done.

Sure, I tell myself 'when it gets too bad' I'll bite the bullet and bring in the sawbones, but I also told myself that I was only going to do this construction gig long enough to pay my way through art school. That was twelve years ago, and I haven't even LOOKED at a college semester catalog yet.

But I will...

One of these days...


Anyway, to continue the sad story, I went to the office to file the required 'accident report' and (surprise!) my supervisor had already gone home. I called him on his cell from the office and broke the situation down to him, and he said, "Well, if you still feel hurt in the morning, come in and we'll get you to the docs... If it gets too bad on you before then, go to the emergency room." I thanked him, and then went home to rest up so I could be sure that the pain wasn't due to the fatigue of busting my hump the whole day in 80 degree heat...

...It wasn't. Taking stock of the damage, I've got a twisted right wrist (currently in the Carpal Tunnel Support Brace), a fierce bruise on my left calf (from the corner of the counter top) and some shoulder and hip pain (from landing on them) - add in the stress from my lower back and neck (also from the landing) and good old Mr. Fiendish looks pretty banged up right now.

Oh well, a hot shower and some Aspercreme should hold me together long enough for this recap; then I get to see if I'm still fucked up in the morning. Do me a favor, if you would, and keep your fingers crossed? Thanks.

Tonight's Raw comes at us from San Jose, California. Uncle Eric and his Boy Monday are booed. They open quickly with a montage showing clips from Benoit's defense last week. Including the Dusty Finish from HHH. Yay. Standard Raw intro.

In case anyone forgot, Ross and Lawler run down the impending matches. Orton on Edge. Eugene's first match. Jericho and Christian in the cage.

HHH jerks the curtain. This pleases me. They remind us how six weeks ago Shelton beat HHH. Lawler calls it old news. Still looooove those darkies, huh, Jerry? Benjamin comes out next and hops in the ring as Ross suggests SB has HHH's number. SB shows it is so with a couple armdrags, an armwringer, an Irish Whip to another armdrag. Benji works the arm with a flurry of chain moves. HHH finally manages to get in a kneelift, but Benji counters with an Oklahoma Roll for two. HHH pushes Benji to the corner and hits a shoulderblock into the belly of Shelton. He tries a Whip to the opposite side, but Benji counters and powerslams HHH. It gets two. HHH gets up, but Shelton puts him back down with a DDT. Shelton pulls HHH back up for an Irish Whip into the corner. SB charges in to capitalize and eats the boot. He staggers back, and HHH clotheslines him to the floor.

Then HBK runs in and beats HHH's ass all over the place. Like Hunter stole something from him, even. The refs manage to pry HBK off HHH (still no sign of Benjamin) and HBK gets a mic and demands HHH get back in the ring for the impending assbeating. Eric comes out and stops it, telling us that he's not losing control of his show, because VKM gave him the power to punish the first guy that gets out of line, and it's HBK. Yay. He suspends HBK on the spot and calls out four cops to escort him out of the place. HBK bails into the crowd, making an end run to interrupt HHH's smug clapping with another beating. The cops pry Michaels off and drag him away...

Still no sign of Benjamin. Must've been one HELL of a clothesline, huh? They don't even bother to award HHH the win by DQ...


We come back and replay the previous interruption beating. In case you missed it - like Benjamin did.

We go to a little fluff piece about how Orton's been beating everyone's ass between spitting on people he's not even fit to shine the boots of, and how Edge doesn't like it. You and everybody, Edge.

Evolution is having a conference in the back, and Flair calls them 'the best thing going today'. He tries to walk Orton and Batista through a promo after telling the lot of them that HBK is on the outs, so there's nothing to stop them now. Eric comes in and makes sure HHH is okay, and then gives him a title shot next week as an apology for the unscheduled asswhipping. HHH is pleased, which brings the worldwide total to ONE.


Up next, Batista versus Tajiri. Tajiri comes out first looking pretty darn happy, considering... Dave comes out next, just as Ross says, "Something doesn't smell right, here." which will be the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Tajiri doesn't look impressed or scared. They ring the bell and Dave tries to close in on Tajiri, but the little fella works some kicks in. Dave comes off the ropes for momentum and Tajiri yanks the top rope so he falls outside. Tajiri follows him out, grabbing him by the head and bouncing it off the barrier. Tajiri goes to do it again, but Dave counters and flings him into the barrier, back first. He beats on Tajiri some more, and then tosses him back into the ring for some Papa Bear Beatdown. Dave tries a Vertical Suplex, but Tajiri counters with a Sunset Flip. It gets two. Both men get back up. Tajiri comes in, but is dumped with a Sidewalk Slam, then LAUNCHED into the cornerbuckle chest first. He languishes there, so Dave lays in some shoulderblocks to the lower back. Dave backs up and then charges into a Back Thrust Kick from Tajiri, followed by a Spinwheel Kick and a Handspring Back Elbow. Dave catches him coming in for seconds with a lariat. Tajiri in trouble, so Dave picks him up for a slam, but Tajiri counters with a DDT. Both men down, but Tajiri covers. It gets two. Both men get back up, and Tajiri goes for the Stiff Kick. Dave catches his leg and picks him up for a big Spinebuster. That'll get the pinfall. Dave's not done, though, and he dishes up another Spinebuster, followed by the Sitout Powerbomb and a stretch of strangling when Tajiri tries the Mist out of desperation. The refs finally manage to get Dave to let go of Tajiri's neck, and have him skedaddle. The trainers bring a stretcher out for Tajiri as Dave looks on all pleased with himself from the top of the ramp... Sorry, Batista, you still don't come off as dangerous. Just sloppy.


We're back, and Stacy comes down the ramp wearing a painted on denim number. Looks trashy. Put her back in that suit, already. Stacy gets a mic and reminds us that Summer's coming, which is Bikini Season. She then shills the 'South of the Border' Divas DVD and the calender... Sports Illustrated it ain't. Someone stop this, okay?

Molly and Gail Kim come out to answer my prayers. Kim calls it ridiculous that while SHE made the Women's Champ tap out last week STACY'S getting the camera time. Kim also wants to make sure she heard right, and how Kiebler's said she was the hottest chick on the DVD. Stacy said no such thing, even though it's probably true. Molly makes the same allegation. They then start beating on Stacy. Victoria comes out to make the save. Jazz comes out to stomp on Victoria. Nidia comes out to blow some spots with Jazz. Victoria manages to regroup and send the bad girls packing, so I'm thinking a 6-Chick match in the near future...

Commercials. I wonder how

It's a match. Tonight. Vic, Nidia and Stacy are shown in the back getting themselves together.

Some anonymous geek is interviewing Jericho, who's kinda peeved Bischoff gave his title match against Benoit to HHH. No matter, though. Jericho then promises to show 'how rough he can be' in the match with Christian.

Orton comes down the ramp. Nobody cares. Edge comes out next. Modest pop. Compared to the crowd reaction to Orton, though, it's pretty good.

Bell rings, and they circle a little before a collar and elbow tieup. Edge pushes Orton to the corner. Orton turns him around a little, but it's a clean break. They tie back up in the center of the ring, and Orton clamps on a side headlock, which eventually takes Edge to the mat. Edge gets back loose and backs away to regroup. They go to lock up again, but Orton dodges behind Edge and lays in a clubbing forearm to the back of the head, followed by stretching the Canadian across the ropes. Edge responds with an Irish Whip to the corner to take Orton down, which he follows up with a running kneelift to the chop. Randy starts to sag, so Edge picks him up and dishes out a Pendulum Backbreaker. It gets two. A little bit of stomping on Orton, followed by dragging him to the corner - maybe to smash something against the apron. Orton struggles to resist, so Edge levers him across the post from the floor. Looks nice, sort of like the old Tequila Sunrise. Edge gets back in and does it again to Orton on the mat. Orton gets loose with a thumb to the eye. Both men get up, and Edge gives Orton an Irish Whip to the corner, Orton reverses and tries to go for the Back Body Drop. Edge stops short and kicks Orton in the face, then tosses him outside and bounces the IC Champ off the steel steps. Ric Flair comes out to the ring shaking his head and waving. What next, you ask?

Commercials. King of the Hill and NASCAR sell out to shill car parts for Autoline. Nice one, Mr. Judge...

We're back, and Edge hits Orton with a High Cross Body. It gets two. We show clips of how Flair bounced Edge against the steps during the commercials to even the score. During which time, Orton hits the Hangman's Backbreaker spot, then clamps on a modified Buffalo Sleeper (kneeling combo armbar and chinlock). Edge languishes in the hold a little before hiptossing Orton to free himself. Orton goes right back to the same hold and Edge fades back to the mat. He manages to get himself back up and blows a simple kick spot to free himself. Orton sells it like he's been shot, despite the fact he started falling down before Edge even got the kick extended. (I love live TV)

Orton bounces Edge around a little more and then goes to the top buckle for a High Cross Body. Edge rolls through for a pinning predicament, which gets two. The two of them brawl a bit, then Edge gets his second wind and hits a Back Body Drop on Orton, followed by a Side Suplex and then sits him on the top buckle. Orton fights free, but before he can remount the offense Edge clocks him to the apron with a forearm, then shoulderblocks him off the apron into the barrier. Edge goes out and rolls Orton back in, then climbs to the top buckle for a Missile Dropkick. Two and a half. Orton looks all glazed over, so Edge hauls him back up. Orton hits a European Uppercut and then tries the Hangman's Backbreaker again. Edge counters with that inverted X-Factor thing, which gets another two. Both men to their feet, and Orton bounces off the nearside. He tries a Thesz Press, I think, but Edge counters with a LIGER BOMB! NIIIICE. It gets two as Flair gets on the apron. Edge is distracted, so Orton tries the RKO. Edge shoves Orton off his head and into Flair, and tries to follow up with a Spear. Orton dodges, Flair doesn't. Orton with a schoolboy and a fistful of tights gets the win. Nice match kids, but going by the crowd reaction I don't think the rematch is gonna be a Main Event at the next PPV. They blew it with the Flair assisted screwjobbing. How can these new guys ever get over if someone constantly interrupts their matches? Dumbasses.


We replay Eugene beating up on Regal, which makes me happy. Especially how Gene makes him tap in the Regal Stretch... Nice. From there it's a smooth segue to Eugene warming up for his match. Eric shows up and Gene hugs him. Eric calls a conference with Regal and tells him that all he promised his sister was Gene would get a shot, but he figures if Gene loses he'll go away. He then tells Regal to make SURE he loses, if he wants to be back on the active roster. Regal agrees.

Six Chicks Scramble. Vic, Stacy and Nidia come down as a group, to Victoria's music... Jazz, Kim and Molly come out to Molly's music. Jazz starts off with a Sidewalk Slam and then a chinlock on Vic. Jazz continues with a legwhip, a Dragon Screw, and a Half Crab. Jazz with the STF. Nidia with the save. Tag to Molly, who puts Vic in a headlock and then tags Kim. Kim hits the Crucifix Stretcher on Victoria and takes her to the mat. Stacy with the kick to break it up. Molly and Jazz charge in and knock Stacy and Nidia to the floor as Kim puts Victoria in the Tequila Sunrise. Victoria Taps.

Did they hire Konnan as a trainer or something?

Smackdown replay shows Eddy's mama having a heart attack when Bradshaw threatens her, followed by Eddy's subsequent plunge into a world of darkness and rage...


We go to Trish and her entourage in the back. Some geek questions whether Christian is concerned about the brutality inherent in a cage match. Christian reminds us that he and Jericho are 3-3 on each other, so this will be IT between them before Christian goes on to bigger and better things, like a world title run... (Suuuuure) Trish breaks company and checks on Lita. She tells her that she's concerned how she's holding up, and then fakes a Kane attack as a joke. Lita kicks her ass for it. Matt Hardy breaks it up and he and Lita march to the ring. We have some replays of why Lita freaks out at the mention of Kane, in case you don't care yet.

Me neither.

Hardy will be facing Venis, but Kane interrupts Venis' intro and Venis in general. He ricochets Val off something metal in the basement to destroy him, and then tells Lita he asked her a question last week, but still doesn't have an answer. He'll give her another week to make up her mind, but it BETTER be the RIGHT decision. The crowd is fucking DEAD. You can hear separate conversations, even... Hardy tries to find out what the fuck happened to his previously promising career, and why; as if Lita has any idea. Just so you don't think I'm a total bastard, kids, I'll give them a Hint: 'Why' is in your mirror, Amy.


La Resistance's Rob Conway comes out to battle Eugene. Regal asks if Eugene is nervous. Gene tells him 'a little'. Regal tells him not to be, since he will be right by Eugene's side. Eugene thanks him and hugs him all happy. Regal squirms.

They play some shitty calliope thing for Gene's intro. The crowd likes him. Yeah, I know. Californians...

They ring the bell. Eugene goes to the top buckles and then hops down. He and Rob circle each other. Rob with a headlock. Eugene tosses him over. Rob with a Hammerlock. Eugene counters with a Rollup. Gets two. Rob tries a bodyslam, but Gene counters with a backslide. Rob resorts to brawling, and then goes to a neckwrench. Gene gets free with an armdrag. Rob bounces Gene's dome off the buckles a couple times. Gene goes billy and hits Rob with a body slam, followed by an airplane spin. Rob is staggered, so Gene goes to the top and hits him with a double axehandle. It gets two. Rob is wobbly, so Eugene goes to the ropes. Regal tries to trip him. Gene looks confused. Regal convinces him he got snagged in the apron. Rob tries to use the distraction with a clothesline attempt. Gene counters with a standing switch to a Bridging Double Prawn Hold. Threecount. Gene wins. He's happy. Regal looks ready to puke. Nice work, folks. Really nice. I'd like to see Regal's conscience get the better of him soon and get these two over big as faces... Never gonna happen, but it'd be nice, huh?


We're back (10:44) for... a promo piece on Benoit's life and times up until now. 18 years compressed in a couple minutes of shitty whinge-rock. Blech. PLEASE don't use this band again, whoever they are. They sound like fucking NELSON on RITALIN.

Bischoff and Boy Monday come out, and they promise us a battle royal next week, with the winner to challenge Benoit for the strap. Further, Boy Monday makes a match, Lita versus Trish.

And now, the main event...

Holy shit. Christian and Jericho are the Main Event, and HHH jerked the curtain? Vince is pandering to the net! Must be the Apocalypse a'comin'. Get to shelter FAST.

Ready for that main event? Too bad, Eric talked too long, so you get some -


We're back (10:52) and we're told about the matches Eric just made to eat up some MORE time. Eric's at the broadcast booth and assures us HBK will remain suspended. We cut to Garcia in the ring, and she'll explain how one is to win a cage match as further stalling, then announces Y2J. Jericho comes to the ring (10:54) and tries to wake the crowd up.

Next out, Trish and her entourage... Christian's in black and pink, which makes me smirk. Must be a Canadian thing... DK?

Christian stalling outside, so Jericho drags him into the cage (10:56) and bounces Christian around a bit before trying for the Walls. Christian escapes it. They lock up and Christian whips Jericho to the buckles. Jericho runs up the buckles and almost out of the cage, but Christian drags him back in. Christian with the escape attempt, but Jericho makes the stop. Jericho with a Side Suplex. They brawl back and forth some. Christian makes another whip to the corner, but Jericho bounces up and comes down on Christian with a double axe-handle. They go back and forth some more, but Jericho gets Christian crotched on the top ropes. Christian's down, so Jericho makes to escape, but Tomco makes the stop by beating a steel chair against the cage. Jericho decides to hit Christian with a High Cross Body from the top of the cage. The crowd likes it. Me too. Jericho makes for the door, but Tomco kicks him in the skull. The referee ejects Tomco from ringside. Jericho tries to crawl out, but Christian manages to drag him back in and Back Body Drops him into the cage wall.

Trish looks on approvingly as Christian heaps on some brawlies, then a blatant choke followed by a reverse chinlock. Jericho gets to his feet and elbows free. Jericho with a Back Body Drop attempt, but Christian kicks him in the face. Christian tries to capitalize, but Jericho makes with the dodge and flings Christian headlong into the cage. He repeats it on the opposite side, the leans Christian against the chainlink and Dropkicks him in the back of the head. Christian busted open. Jericho makes the cover. Gets two. Jericho with a waistlock, but Christian elbows free and hits the Unprettier. Gets two. Christian covers again. Gets another two.

Christian covered in blood now as he tries to climb over the top. Jericho yanks him down and hits a forearm while they're both standing on the top turnbuckle. Jericho hits a Butterfly Superplex. Trish enters the ring with a steel chair to break up the count. Jericho puts her in the Walls. Christian abandons her and tries to get out of the cage, but Jericho turns Trish loose and JUST manages to bring him back in. They fight a little while standing on the top rope before Christian tries a kick. Jericho kinda Dragon Screw whips him to the mat, and then clamps on the Walls. Christian tries to get out, but Jericho drags him back into the center of the ring. Jericho sits in deep. Christian taps.

Fucking excellent Main Event, people. I am well pleased. I know you're just pandering to us IWC folks, but I'm not fucking complaining about it... Not one little bit.

You're welcome. See you SOON...