Giving 'em the Business
Originally Posted 5-3-04

Hello, my intended...

Well, in case you've been away from the computer for the past week or so - such as I have - then you probably already know about the huge uproar regarding Ric Flair's comments towards the 'wannabe insiders' that are the 'smart marks' and 'internet scumbags'. Everybody's all flipping out because Flair thinks that you have to be 'in the business' to use the old carny lingo that is still used by the workers, and for the most part everybody on the internet is either defending or lambasting the Nay Cha Bwah for said remarks...

But not Bobo.



Several reasons come to mind, but the foremost is, "Nobody's given a shit WHAT Flair's had to say for the last ten years, so why start now?" Bobo knows this.

Flair knows it too.

Which is why he said it.


And they think they can't still work the IWC, eh?

Well, they have.

But not Bobo.


Now to business...

So far, we know that tonight Chris Benoit will defend his championship in righteous battle against Shawn Michaels, although HHH is still staunchly demanding it's 'his match'. A likely possibility is that they go to a screwjob finish tonight so that they can have the same triple threat match as the last two PPV's, with HHH finally coming out on top. Sadly, this would only make him 'equal' with Benoit and Michaels, so we pretty much have the NEXT two PPV's lined up, too. For the slow class, it's so HHH can prove he's more than a match for them 'one on one' and reclaim his 'place' at the top of the ladder 'ahead of the game', as it were.

Christ, Vinnie, I thought you'd have held out a little longer than that...

In other notables, I can hardly wait to see how they handle this 'training' Steve Regal will be doing with Eugene... I mean, honestly, folks... How on earth can they hope to get over a 'fake' handicapped person when they couldn't get over a REAL handicapped person? Sure, Dinsmore is a lot more likable than Zach Gowan could EVER even ASPIRE TO BE, but the whole 'fake retard' thing has been done - and on SOUTH PARK for crying out loud. The only thing that makes it really sad is that they're thisclose to actually pulling it off.

Kinda reminds me of the last 'Gene' that was involved in the wrestling thing after some 'training'...

Gene Okerlund.

DK's probably just gotten giggles thinking about Regal and Dinsmore taking turns piggybacking each other up an arena stairway. Even I can't fight back a smug little smirk when I process the visual, and we all know how merry a soul I'm never going to be. This means that the chance for this to get over as comedy gold is never going to be better for this unlikely duo.

And, sadly, this ALSO means they're totally gonna fuck it up.

So what else do they have on tap? The burgeoning feud twixt Shelton Benjamin and Orton? Matt Hardy's face turn - for LITA's fucking face, no less? Kane deciding Lita looks purty, in case we don't ALREADY think he's crazy? More Jericho versus Trish and her entourage? Molly's stepping into the 'Samson of Sanity' nutcase role since Victoria's feeling much better now?

Sure, all that shit... BUT you know the one thing that's really interesting, in an ironic sort of way?

Coach and Tajiri showing that the only thing that black folks hate worse than Old Whitey is Those Asians proving people actually CAN get somewhere in this country if they simply stop fucking bitching and get to work.

Yeah. I like subtlety, too...

Tonight's Raw comes at us live, as promised, from Phoenix, Arizona... Standard Intro sequence, followed by Uncle Eric and Boy Monday getting halfhearted boos.

We go immediately to a montage of the lead-up to this 'long-awaited' match. Nice work, really, worthy of a PPV prelim show. My kudos to the production staff.

People are holding up signs supporting Eugene in the crowd. That's just sad.

Evolution to jerk the curtain with some blabbering - and without Flair, amusingly enough. HHH is with Orton and Dave this time. I guess they wanna see if they can go without Flair to steer? It's a six-man match, even.

Three of their 'biggest stars' are jerking the curtain. I love this already. Shelton Benjamin is part of the other team. So is Tajiri. So is Edge.

Well, shit on a cracker... They're opening with what might be the best match of the night? HHH to start off against SB... Nope, he tags Orton. Orton charges in, and gets an armdrag takeover. Orton responds with brawlies. SB retaliates with a full armdrag and twist. Tag to Tajiri, who hits a flying armdrag. Orton hits a thumb to the eye and drags Tajiri to the heel side. Tag to HHH, who promptly starts beating Tajiri into a different shape. Irish Whips the Buzzsaw to the ropes, but Tajiri comes off with a Spinning Heel Kick to flatten the Game. Tag to Edge. Edge with a side headlock takeover to a legscissor. HHH gets loose. Edge repeats. Twice. Edge then breaks the pattern and pops HHH in the mush. HHH with some brawlies and then drags Edge to the corner to tag in Orton. Orton with a European Uppercut and an Irish Whip to the opposite corner. Edge reverses and hits a clothesline. Orton with another thumb to the eye, followed by a bit of an armwringer on Edge's bad wing. Tag to Dave, who carries Edge around on his shoulder a little before powerslamming him. Dave covers, but SB breaks it up before it gets a one-count.

The ref puts SB back onto the apron so Evolution can triple team Edge, including bouncing his bad wing on the steel steps. Tag to HHH, who works on the arm with some kneedrops and such. Tag to Dave, who shoves Edge into the neutral corner and dishes up some shoulderblocks to the belly. Tag to HHH, who drags Edge to the nearside neutral corner and they go toe-to-toe. HHH with the Irish Whip, followed by the Chestcrusher. HHH covers. SB breaks it up at one. Both men are down as SB is escorted back to the apron. Tag to Tajiri. Kicks for everybody on Evolution. HHH eats the handspring back elbow. Dave comes in, so Tajiri kicks him a few times. Dave sort of sells, so Tajiri goes to dish out the handspring again - but Dave catches him in midair with a clothesline.


Orton is currently thrashing Tajiri, and hits him with the Standing Dropkick. Orton holds Tajiri still and tags Dave in. Dave with a clubbing forearm, then pushes Tajiri to the corner and shoulderblocks him in the lowe back a little, then steps on his head. HHH uses the opportunity presented when Dave mixes up with the ref to elbow Tajiri in the neck from the outside. Dave with some more beating and choking, then he tags HHH. HHH sets up something, but Tajiri counters with a backslide for a two out of sheer surprise. HHH tags Orton in, and Randy works a reverse chinlock to give everyone a rest.

Tajiri is fading into the canvas under the vise from Orton, but he surges back up and fights loose. They brawl some before Orton goes to the Irish Whip. He tries a Back Body Drop on Tajiri, but the Buzzsaw counters with a Sunset Flip. Orton counters by kneeling to sit on Tajiri's chest, but Tajiri escapes and kicks Orton's skimmer in. Tag to Edge. Edge cleans house. Bedlam erupts as all six men get involved. Action all over the place, much too much happening to keep up with typing.

Orton tries to RKO Edge, but Tajiri kicks him in the belly. Dave clocks Edge to the mat and grabs Tajiri up for the sitout powerbomb, but Tajiri spits in his face. Dave rolls around in agony. Orton gets back up, totally forgetting about Edge. Edge reminds him who is the legal man with that Spear he does. It flattens Orton. Edge covers. Threecount.

All in all, kids. One extensively enjoyable match. Bravo to all involved.


Coach and Cade in the back working some lame jokes about Phoenix chicks. Vince McMahon strides up to kill the bit. (Thanks, Vince.) Coach asks what he's there for, and Vince says he's there to see the main event. He then shills it like crazy and says it'll be 'pure artform'.

And now, news from Smackdown. Kurt Angle comes back, this time as Professor X. Booker and Undertaker are feuding now. The Dudleyz fail to beat Eddy Guerrero, and are miffed. RVD makes the save.

At a live show last night, though, Eddy's family was there and his mother caught a cardiac. My prayers go out to her. No, really. I'm not being facetious this time. Honest.

Cut to the back, as HHH and Evolution are flipping out in the office on Uncle Eric. Eric makes some matches after Boy Monday warns him Vince is in the house. Dave versus Tajiri. HHH versus Shelton. Orton vs. Edge for the IC strap. Orton looks worried about it.


La Resistance comes out. Conway is suddenly from Quebec, and Grenier is out there with him as usual. Conway will be facing Hurricane Helms, and Rosey is out there with him. As usual. Hurricane's suit looks like Ultimo had a yard sale. Conway with a waistlock. Helms counters. They brawl some before Rob throws Helms to the corner and then rushes him. Hurricane with a back elbow backs Rob off. They grapple a bit. Hurricane tries a backslide, but Conway shoves him off and hits a Manhattan Drop off the Irish Whip, followed by a Swinging Neckbreaker. Hurricane in trouble. Rob with a kneeling neck vise for a bit. Hurricane gets loose and gets in some highspots, including a Flying Clothesline and that Skipping Enzuigiiri, but Conway slingshots him off the top ropes for a suplex, and then dumps him on his head in a neckbreaker. Helms is pinned. Nice move, Robbie. We called it the Reconciler, back in the day, but it was from a Vertical Suplex, not a slingshot.

Conway then grabs a mic and makes sure Eugene knows that the same thing is gonna happen to him, no matter HOW much he trains.

Commercials. They've added some footage to that shill-show for Wrestlemania XX Flair hosted, and are releasing it on DVD. The Ten Greatest Matches of WM History. Here's hoping the matches are shown in their entirety, but considering one of them is the 70 minute Hart vs. Michaels deal, I doubt it... Rent it first, folks.

We go to a bit of a promo piece with Kane and his 'appetite for agony'. No shit, kid. You're fixated on LITA, for chrissakes. We then replay Lita leaving Hardy to get killed while she skedaddles. Then her begging Kane to not Tombstone Matt, and getting kissed.

You know what? Nobody cares. At all.

Kane comes to the ring and puts the supreme beatdown on Stevie Richards capped off with the Giant Boot. Stevie staggers to his feet and is chokeslammed. Threecount. Time: Just under twenty seconds. Kane then runs off, leaving Richards for dead. We're warned that Hardy will be the guest for the Highlight Reel with Jericho, in case we need to take a smash.


Jericho comes out to a good pop wearing black and pink. Bobo smiles. Y2J shills the Main Event with HBK and Benoit, and says it's been far too long since Benoit's had a Title Match of his own. Crowd pops. He then says it's been far too long since Jericho's had a title match, either. Se, he will challenge whomever wins the world title tonight. The crowd likes the idea. So does Bobo. Jericho calls down Matt - who according to the Matt Facts believes in karma and is not afraid of pain (no shit, look who he's dating).

Jericho says he's had his problems with the lovelife, but they're nothing compared to the rollercoaster Matt's been on. Matt grabs the mic and explains that he's made his mistakes, and if the only thing he can do to fix things as a man is to take on Kane, he'll do it. Matt then calls Lita to the ring, because there's something he wants to say to her face to face. He assures her it's not a gag, and similar cajoling.

Lita's on the Titantron, and she's sorta crying. She tells him she's found someone else, and she needs him to stay away from her. She then breaks down and says to someone off camera that she can't do it, and then begs Matt to come save her in the basement. Kane tells her she shouldn't have oughta done that, and she starts with the Screamin' Mimi as Kane smiles all big. Hardy takes off to rescue Lita. Jericho is speechless, so Trish and her entourage come out. Christian talks some shit. Jericho looks unimpressed. Christian says Jericho could have just walked away, but he chose to make himself a problem. He then sends Tyson out to solve the problem. They brawl in the ring, and Christian tries to backjump in the confusion. Jericho floors him. Tomco makes with the Hanging Tree and then slams Jericho to the mat. Christian sits on him and punches him a while, then has Tomco pull him up so he can punch him. Trish caps it off with the extra-point kick to the jingles. Christian tops it off some more with the Unprettier. They leave the problem solved facedown on the mat.


During the commercials, Matt found Lita. He runs to the rescue, carrying a chair. Lita's all frazzled, but Kane has left the scene. Matt asks if Kane touched her. Lita shakes no, then just shakes. Matt comforts her, while looking around all worried as though Kane will come out and kill them both any second.

Gail Kim comes out with Molly. Kim says she's not feeling too bad about Lita, since she's getting what she deserves. Victoria comes out - also wearing black and pink - though more pink than black... Bobo smiles.

Kim and Vic circle each other, but Kim gets in some shots and then ricochets Vic off the buckles a bit. Victoria military presses Kim and then slams her. She follows with a scoop slam and standing moonsault. Molly interferes on the sly. Vic is distracted, so Kim dropkicks her from behind. Vic in trouble as Kim drops some heavy elbows on her shoulderblades before shoving her out to Molly's tender mercies. Molly rolls her back in after a couple shots, and Kim starts beating her up.

Kim with a reverse chinlock, which she turns into a kneeling Dragon Sleeper. Vic gets to her feet, but is knocked to the mat. It gets two. Kim with the chinlock again. Vic gets to her feet and is Irish Whipped to the rope for a clothesline. Gail clamps on the chinlock and flows it to the Dragon Sleeper again. Victoria bridges up and gets free. The two of them go off the ropes, and Victoria takes Kim over in a back body drop. Some more bouncing around, but Kim clamps on that fancy crucifix to Rings of Saturn. Victoria taps. Lucky it was a non-title, huh?

We cut to Regal and Doc Tom Pritchard trying to train Eugene. Regal says he's got plans to get rid of Eugene once and for all by making sure the LAST thing Eugene wants to be is a wrestler - through torturing him some retard. Pritchard looks on goonishly as Regal seems right pleased with his cunning plan.

Commercials. For some reason we get a long recap of the whole 'Ten Things Every Guy Should Experience' bit where two teams competed for seats to WM20. It was hosted by Dennis Rodman and the guy from Joe Schmoe... That was two months ago, folks. Enough.

It keeps going. And going. And going... I wonder if this is a promotional thing, or did they lose the feed from Phoenix? It didn't seem THIS long when I WATCHED it as a program... Sheesh.

I think we've lost the feed. They go to commercials for the 'Ten Things' Show. Bobo is worried. REALLY worried.


The feed is fixed. Thank GOD. HBK comes out for the Main Event as I quietly curse my shitbag cable company. Lawler predicts HBK will get the gold tonight...

Benoit comes out with both his straps. HBK watches him with a cool countenance, completely calm... Almost as if he knows what's going to happen already... Heh. The ref checks them both for foreign objects, and then rings the bell. They circle each other, but Benoit with the upper hand pushes HBK to the corner. Clean break. They lock back up and this time HBK pushes Benoit to the corner. Cleanish break. They go to the center of the ring and exchange chops and forearms. HBK with a hipblock takeover. Benoit rolls it through to a pinning combination. Gets two. They get to their feet, and HBK clamps on a side headlock. He pushes Benoit to the corner for a chop, followed by a forearm shiver. Irish Whips the Wolverine into the corner. Michaels follows him in, but eats the boot - and a clothesline. HBK staggers, and Benoit clotheslines him out of the ring. HBK gets back into the ring, and Benoit hits a Snap Suplex, followed by a Pendulum Backbreaker. Benoit with some chops, and then Irish Whips HBK to the ropes. Benoit ducks too early, and Michaels hits the Flying Clothesline, followed with an Elbow Drop to the neck. They both get to their feet and brawl some. Michaels comes off the ropes and hits the Flying Burrito. Benoit's down. HBK kips up and then charges in to capitalize, but is taken down in the Crossface. Michaels rolls through to escape and knocks Benoit over. He hauls Benoit back up, but is brought down in the Crossface again.


HBK has Benoit in an Abdominal Stretch. Benoit in trouble deep. Benoit gets the crowd behind him and hiptosses himself free. Benoit tries for the elbow, but HBK gets out of the way. Michaels with a Vertical Suplex. He makes the cover, but Benoit grabs the ropes. Michaels cuts him loose and hits a series of knees to the lower back before propping Benoit up in the corner for some chops. HBK then ricochets Benoit back-first off the farside buckles, and goes for the cover. Only gets two. HBK with a Backdrop Suplex. It gets two. HBK with an Irish Whip and tries a Back Body Drop. Benoit counters with a Small Package. Gets two. Benoit with a Backslide. Gets two. Benoit with an Oklahoma Roll. Gets two. Michaels with a Manhattan Drop, then a lariat, then a Scoop Slam. Another Scoop Slam. Benoit's flat on his back. HBK goes to the top buckle and hits the Big Elbow Drop. Strikes up the Band. Superkick attempt, but Benoit ducks and counter-attacks with a Triple German Suplex. Slow Neck Cut from the Wolverine as the crowd perks up. Benoit climbs to the top as HBK gets up a bit. Benoit puts on the breaks and gives out another German Suplex. Benoit to the top for the Diving Headbutt, but HBK rolls out of the way.

Both men are down, so the referee counts them both down. He gets to four before Michaels drapes an arm on Benoit. It gets a twocount. Michaels crawls to the corner and climbs the buckles. Benoit surges up and catches HBK mid-climb and chops him to shreds. HBK on the apron. Benoit tries repeatedly to suplex him back into the ring, but Michaels won't let him. Michaels finally counters with a suplex of his own to fling Benoit outside. Michaels climbs to the buckles again and hits the Moonsault on Benoit as he's getting up. The referee counts them both, and he gets to six before HBK gets to the ropes. Benoit drags him back outside and tries to whip HBK into the steps, but HBK reverses and Benoit eats the ringpost. HBK rolls back inside. Benoit's bleeding. HBK rests up. The referee keeps counting...

Commercials. Does anyone else see the irony in a videogame called 'Hitman' being advertised on Raw?

We're back, as HBK has a bloody Benoit in a Sleeper. Benoit's fading, either from the Sleeper or blood loss, but he manages to counter with a Backdrop Suplex. HBK up right away and hits Benoit with a dropkick. Michaels covers, but gets two. Michaels with a Saito Suplex, which I haven't seen in years. Nice. He drags Benoit to a vertical base, but Benoit flips out and hits a series of knees to HBK's belly, followed by another German Suplex. The two of them back up, and they exchange chops. HBK with a double leg pickup, and he turns Benoit over in a Boston Crab. Benoit languishes in the hold a bit, then somehow gets to the ropes to break the hold. Michaels with an Elbow Drop to the mid-back on the fallen Benoit, then he props him into the corner and makes a few chops. HBK tries an Irish Whip to the opposite buckles, but Benoit hits the Crossface. HBK makes it to the ropes.

Benoit hits the Crossface again, but HBK finds the ropes again. Michaels tries the Superkick, but Benoit catches his leg and goes for the Sharpshooter. Michaels kicks Benoit off, and there's the Ref Bump. All three men are down. HBK is the first to start to his feet, hauling himself up by the ropes. Benoit's getting up, too, just in time for the Superkick. HBK can't capitalize, as he slowly crawls to make the cover nobody's there to count.

HHH comes out and Pedigrees Michaels, then scoots. Benoit and the ref are showing signs of life as HHH stares on intently. Benoit crawls over and lays an arm on HBK. The referee gets to three, so Benoit will retain without actually 'beating' HBK by himself.


Triple H claps from ringside.

At least HE's fucking happy, right?

That'll close the show...

A fairly interesting show, though the technical difficulties are probably only with me... If you want to know what happened in the eight minutes I wasn't watching the Raw, feel free to read another recap. This one's over...

You're welcome. See you SOON.