Hello, my intended...
Here we are once again for the usual frittering away of an otherwise perfectly good Monday Night on my lunatic ramblings regarding a show that more or less sucks. However, unlike my lunatic ramblings, the show in question is showing some signs of improvement.
This pleases me.
Last week's show was such beauty in execution that I can scarcely find the words to praise it. The matches were well done all around - despite there being uncharacteristically few of them. If fact, aside from Matt Hardy pissing away the little crowd reaction he still gets for Mattitude to save and likely reunite with Lita, even the midcard guys were giving their best efforts. Garrison Cade and Tajiri put on a hell of a match and it really didn't deserve to go to the screwy ending at the hands of Coach. The Christian/Jericho feud is losing steam, so I guess to spice things up they added the Tomco guy... Y'know, I said this back when Trish was a face, and I'll say it again:
How fucking serious a contender is she supposed to be when she's constantly got to be saved by whomever's not otherwise occupied in the locker room? Oh, well, at least now she's not being saved from Jazz or Victoria. I guess that's a good thing, but bringing in someone to save her from Y2J waters this feud down to the point of no return in my opinion. What next? Now Jericho has to find a chick to back him up against Trish? I guess that's where they'll finally use Nidia, but I'd really hate to see that happen.
So would Jericho, I'll wager.
I'm actually pretty intrigued that they figure Randy Orton and Edge are over enough by themselves to elevate each other 'to the next level'. Orton's getting a pretty impressive push which cost Mick Foley every last remaining iota of his credibility - and Edge is the guy that came back and beat up Kane. Sure, beating up Kane isn't quite as impressive as beating up Foley, since even Shane McMahon has gotten over on the Big Red Machine. I'd say putting Edge 'fresh out of rehab' over Kane has completely ruined the Kane character forever; but if the Necro-Angle didn't ruin it, nothing will. Orton is looking to be the first real breakout star from the new cadre, and I don't see him remaining in Evolution much longer.
I just hope they don't fuck things up and turn him face.
Not that I think they will... No, one or the other is MUCH more likely to get injured and lose all their momentum while they're sitting on the shelf. Look at their track records. Both of them, previously, were enjoying modest pushes when they hurt something and went away. Hell, Orton was a FACE when he started out, and became a lackey of HHH when he returned. Edge? Well, he returned - although instead of going after 'New Raw Superstar' Albert (the guy who put him out, remember?) he goes after Kane.
Well, I guess if it made sense it wouldn't be the WWe.
The two of them are looking to prove themselves able to 'run with the Big Dogs', and I hope they do.
In other musings, Benoit is beginning to wise up to the whole 'HBK will steal my heat, EIEIO.' But he's powerless to stop it without fucking injuring him 'accidentally' - which will get him fucking fired. Benoit's just what the World Title needs to give it some sparkle and prestige, but the order seems to involve him in tagmatches and similar wastes of time until HHH is fit enough to 'take it back'. Unless HBK takes it back first, of course. While the result is pretty much a foregone conclusion to my thinking, at least they're letting them do nice matches to put over what great wrestlers they are. I'm just a bit bothered that Edge is also leeching heat from Benoit with the whole 'sharing the Tag Straps' thing, as it doesn't help Benoit OR Edge as singles competitors. AND ONE OF THEM IS THE FUCKING WORLD CHAMPION FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!
I know the tag scene on Raw is as thin as paper, but having one guy in two title pictures is a bit of a waste of everyone else on the roster. If it's a rebuilding phase, then let's see some rebuilding! The tag straps - as I've said - are little more than paperweights without serious competition - and just HOW many times do you REALLY think people will pay to see Evolution fight for them? Flair's past it, and Batista will never reach it. Merge the tag straps with Smackdown and never speak of them again. It's the only way, really...
That said, while the wrestling was above and beyond, the skits were a bit... strained, I suppose would be the word. You know the gimmick needs work when you're going to the cock on week two, fellas. Vince, you've had your laugh about how someone from Bischoff's family tree would be a retard whereas you create ubermenche progeny with your Genetic Jackhammer. Okay. Nice work. What else you got?
Like I don't already know...
Don't get me wrong. Eugene is a likable enough character, if one ignores that he's destroying Steve Regal's 'Power of the Punch' mystique. I mean, really. Steve's been Gene's manager for two weeks already, and the only ring appearance he's gotten out of the guy was playing with the Shirt Cannon. If Regal was MY manager and that was all the airtime he could get ME, he'd be fucking fired for imcompetence. Then again, I'm not retarded... I suggest you show us some fucking ringwork this week, or cut and run while you're ahead. I'll even accept a tag match with Regal carrying the whole thing, but for GOD'S SAKE, do NOT make this another fucking Heidenreich.
Give Eugene a match tonight, or keep him off my screen. He can be retarded JUST as well in the ring - maybe even getting confused and pinning Regal - but the Gump Factor isn't gonna keep anyone's interest much longer, and that'll be that much more wasted money.
Then again, Vince LOVES wasting money (just ask Kevin Nash's accountant), so I don't think I got too far talking ol' Vinnie out of this Eugene the Non-Wrestling Superstar thing...
Oh, and because I don't hate Star Trek enough yet, THIS time they're having the Cardassians kick a people VERY similar to the Native Americans off their planet while the Federation sworn to protect them stands by helplessly. Picard and the Cardassians even call them INDIANS. Just what I need before recapping Raw. Something to piss me the fuck off...
Tonight's Raw is coming from Topeka, Kansas, and Uncle Eric and his Boy Friday (or would that be Boy Monday? I Boy Wonder about that...) gets booed after the standard Raw Intro.
And just because my life isn't QUITE annoying ENOUGH, the Main Event is going to be Edge and Benoit defending their newly won belts against Batista and Flair. HBK will probably help them win THIS time, too, since GOD knows they couldn't POSSIBLY carry a match THEMSELVES...
...Find your happy place, Fiendish. Happy Place... Happy Place....
Oh, no! My Happy Place! IT'S ON FIRE!!!
Yeah. It's Monday alright.
We open with some replays of last week's Benoit showing he's for real, and HBK burying him. Also noted is HHH saying the match is his... More replaying of HHH interfering and HBK helping bail out Benoit to help them win the tag straps... Sigh.
Lita jerks the curtain... I still hate her. Her tag partner is Victoria. I still don't hate her, even though she's wearing yellow and black and hugs a fat kid at ringside. They'll face... Molly and Gail Kim. Vic and Gail start off, and they lock up in the center of the ring. VIc with a headlock. Kim whips her free and leapfrogs her, but Vic shoulderblocks her flat. Tag to Molly, who starts bouncing Vic off the mat before clamping a neck vise on her. Vic fights to her feet and makes with the brawlies. Irish Whips Molly to the ropes, but Molly slides under her back body drop attempt and flings her to the mat. Tag to Gail, who gets in some offense before Vic clamps a headlock on her. Kim counters with a Backdrop Suplex, then knocks Lita off the apron so she and Molly can double team her. Victoria gets back up and Whips Kim to the ropes. Kim goes for an AnkleScissors, but hangs on in a Crucifix with an Armbar. Victoria is in trouble and is strangled to the mat, but Lita makes the save. Lita gets the tag and tears into Kim and Molly, taking Kim over with a flying headscissors and knocking Molly off the apron. Lita hits Kim with a DDT, and that'll get the threecount.
Molly flips out and starts taking the boots to Lita, but Kane comes out and chases them off so he can smell Lita's fear and sweat. Okay, maybe he really IS a sick fuck, after all... But it'd probably mean more if he picked a woman to stalk, don't you think? He savors the moment some, and then goes for a smooch (I think) but Lita dives out of the ring and hits the bricks. She runs into Matt, who's got a match with Kane. He promises to see to it the debts run up by Kane against them are gonna be settled. He hugs Lita and comforts her, until she shrieks and flees. Kane of course totally destroys Mattitude in the back before being dragged away by Fit Finlay and fifteen referees.
Real standup girl you got there, Matt. Congratulations.
The crowd is booing Coach in the ring. He's got a mic and makes with the cheap insult-the-town heat some. He talks some more shit, but then Tajiri comes out staring daggers at Coach. Tajiri's got a mic, and says "Coach. Yu All Not a Winnah. You all a RIAH." Coach makes with the ethnic digs and he orders a couple eggrolls and beef lo mein. He gets his head kicked in. Garrison Cade comes out and drags Coach to safety.
Then HHH comes out. Smiling. Tajiri is still in the ring. HHH applauds Tajiri, and seems to be enjoying how funny it was Coach got killed. Then HHH lowblows him and throws him out onto the floor. "Sorry, Tajiri, but it's the wrong place and the wrong time." He then requests someone explain to him how the hell Michaels got a rematch when he was the one that tapped out at Backlash. He then says he saved HBK a few times in that match, so the match should - and will be - his.
Tajiri is trying to get back into the ring, and HHH says that - just like Michaels - Tajiri doesn't know when to quit. He grabs him to drag him into the ring by his hair since he doesn't know when to quit...
But he knows when to spit, kids. HHH gets the mist and flops about in the sort of agony you can only get from Lime Kool-Aid.
Commercials. Ben Stiller is starring in a movie about being jealous of Jack Black... Can't say it's a stretch of the acting muscles, can you? I saw School of Rock - and Starsky and Hutch.
HHH comes back to Bischoff's Office, and he's all pissed off. He wants Tajiri for some Revenge one on one, and he says when he's done Bischoff better give him that match with Benoit. Eric's left while HHH can't see...
La Resistance is in the ring, so Eugene comes out with Steve Regal to do some commentary. Gene gets the headset, and Regal doesn't...
Wish you were dead YET, Steve?
Rhyno's gonna be facing Conway, by the way. Rob with a forearm to Rhyno's jaw, and the crowd chants USA. Rob with a headlock, but Rhyno punches loose. Conway with another pop in the jaw. Rhyno flattens him and takes him down with a back body drop. Conway retaliates by tossing Rhyno to the outside for Renee to work over, and then toss him back into the ring. Gene leaves to cheer on his pals in LR and eat popcorn. Regal gets the headset. More back and forth with Rob and Rhyno, and Rob gets a couple two-counts. Rob with a Suplex, and then a kneeling chinlock. Rhyno gets back up and starts elbowing free, but Rob lariats him flat. Lateral press for two. Rhyno pushed into the corner for some punching. Irish whip to the opposite corner for some extra damage, followed by a lariat in the corner. Rhyno's in trouble, but instead of watching, we cut to Eugene - who wanders over to the sound guy and sets off the pyro. Conway is confused, then gored, then pinned. Regal hustles Eugene off, stage left.
La Resistance is complaining about Eugene constantly fucking things up for them, and he demands satisfaction from Jonny the Stooge. Jonny is prepared to give it to them, but Regal says that Eugene can't even lace his own boots... Jonny gives Regal two weeks to prepare Eugene for a match with Conway.
Edge and Benoit are about to start an interview segment when HBK comes out to draw some of their heat off. Benoit tells HBK to get fucking lost. HBK complies. Benoit then tells Edge they'll be driving the final nail in Evolution's coffin.
Christian and his entourage come to the ring (Trish and Tyson Tomco) for a match or something... But first, something IMPORTANT.
Commercials. Jamie Foxx and Gabriel Union will be remaking 'Boomerang', and it will suck JUST as hard as Eddie Murphy's version. No, they're not calling it Boomerang. It's called 'Breaking the Rules'. Gee, where have I heard THAT line before...?
Christian is making an official ass of himself as the crowd boos him. He lists his accomplishments, most of which are beating Jericho and stealing his Trish. He then introduces Tomco. Nobody cares. He complains that he doesn't have the world title and similar nonsense.
Then Grandmaster Sexay comes out. The crowd cheers because Christian shut up, and Ross and Lawler interpret it as them getting behind Sexay. Christian gets in front of Sexay and starts beating him up with kicks and punches. Christian off the ropes, but Sexay counters with a Pancake. It gets a twocount. Christian jumps up and shoves Sexay into the corner for some punches, then charges for a lariat, but Sexay hits him with a Missile Dropkick. Sexay lariats Christian out of the ring, and gets caught up in the ropes. The referee helps him out of the ropes so he can finish the 'falling out of the ring' spot. Tomco comes over, and the referee warns him away as Christian gets back into the ring. Sexay goes to the top and puts on the goggles, but Christian gets out of the way and hits the Unprettier. Threecount. Tomco comes in and kicks Sexay in the head (I'm supposed to BOO this? As if!) They make to crush up the Grandmaster, but Jericho's intro starts. Christian sends Tomco up the aisle to intercept, and Y2J comes out of the crowd and waylays Christian out of the ring with a lariat to the back of the head. He then grabs Trish, but Tomco gets there and drags her outside to relative safety. Tomco looks like he wants to go solve him some problems, but Christian restrains him and they make with the tactical withdrawal...
The crowd is totally silent as they start HHH's intro. They don't perk up too much. HHH is still selling the 'effects' of the Misting, wiping his eyes with his sweaty towel... His face is still kinda green, including his beard. That's kinda funny. Vince's son-in-law can't be bothered to wash his fucking face...
Tajiri comes out. The crowd doesn't cheer much, since I guess they figure this will be a squash. Tajiri looks all cautious and climbs to the top buckle. HHH charges him, and he vaults over him so he can land a couple punches. HHH flattens him and then makes with the blatant choke. The crowd chants 'You tapped out.' HHH throws Tajiri to the corner and charges in. Tajiri kicks his block off. It gets two. HHH staggers to the corner for the Ultra Combo from Tajiri, capped off with a Springboard Back Elbow. It gets two. HHH bails to the outside. Tajiri follows. HHH hits a kneelift to the belly and then tries to fling Tajiri into the steps. Tajiri jumps to the top of the steps and then kicks Hunter's block off again. The crowd counts along, and the referee gets to eight before HHH gets back in. Tajiri goes for the Mega Stiff Kick, but HHH blocks it and goes for the Pedigree. Tajiri skirts loose and lands a vicious couple kicks. HHH hits him with a Spinebuster, then FIRES him into the corner chest first.
HHH hauls Tajiri to a vertical base and then FIRES him into the corner again. HHH with the badmouth as Tajiri writhes about all hurt. HHH hauls him up and Tajiri feeds him another few kicks. HHH goes to the ropes for momentum, but Tajiri counters with a Jumping Crescent Heel Kick that sends HHH flying. HHH hits an Abdominal Stretch, but Tajiri counters with an Octopus Hold. HHH counters with a hiptoss, and then stomps on Tajiri in the corner. He then strangles Tajiri under his boot. Tajiri makes with the Tarantula, but HHH counters and tosses him to the floor. Tajiri comes back up and hits him with a Missile Dropkick. HHH falls into the referee, so Tajiri's counter is wasted. Tajiri sets himself for the Mist, but HHH ducks it and then hits the Pedigree. HHH wins.
Way to go. See, letting the other guys get in some offense makes the match mean something. You're finally learning. I'm glad.
Don't get me wrong. I still fucking hate you, Levesque, but now I don't wish you died of cancer. A plane wreck I still wouldn't mind, though...
We replay Kane making with the woo on Lita and her fleeing. Followed by her leaving her boyfriend Matt Hardy to get killed while she escapes.
Kane comes out, and Ross says, "Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... It does." Which I think is the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night.
Matt Hardy - who always meets his deadlines - is out next. Kane is laughing because Hardy isn't coming down the ramp... Oh, wait, here he comes. Limping. Kane isn't laughing anymore. Hardy gets in the ring, and Kane charges. Matt with some punching and such, but Kane forces him to the corner and ropeburns his face on the top rope, then steps on his head. Kane Irish Whips Hardy into the ringpost, and then makes with the choking. Irish Whip to the opposite corner, but Hardy gets his leg up to back Kane off a little. Hardy with some futile brawlies. Kane with a Chokeslam. Then another Chokeslam. The referee tells him to pin Hardy already, but Kane brings him up for a Tombstone. Lita comes out and gets on her knees... to beg Kane not to kill Matt. Kane complies, and then smooches Lita. He's all happy. Then he leaves the ring. Lita tries to see if Matt is okay as Kane walks off... I guess Hardy wins by countout, but they'll have to tell him in the ambulance, huh?
Commercials. Jean Reno co-stars in a videogame. Yeah, that'll get the agent's phone ringing, buddy...
Promo reel of WWe showing support for Next Generation Democratic Summit. Like I said, folks, if they had any sway with the Golden Demo, they'd be getting better ratings than 4.5, don't you agree?
Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and he's making a PSA on the importance of reading - and he's chosen the Divas Swimsuit Issue. The crowd is silent. Lawler shows some of the 'hot chick' photos, and the crowd isn't very impressed. They send Stacy out. The crowd likes her.
She enters the ring so Lawler can leer at her point-blank. He then says he's got an ulterior motive bringing her out (Nooooo. Not KING!?) it seems he wanted Stacy to meet Harley Race, who is ringside. They mention how Race is a legend...
So Randy Orton comes out. Race isn't impressed, so that makes it unanimous across the entire planet. Orton makes with the mumblefish about how they use the word Legend on just about anyone these days. Orton tells Race he's accomplished more in his two year career than Race has in his whole life. Race shakes his head sadly. Orton gets in his face some, and threatens to do to him exactly what he did to Foley. He starts hocking up a big one, and then spits in Race's face. Harley takes a really slow swipe at him, but Orton backs out of range and scrams to the ring to call Race in to battle him. Race starts over the barrier, but then stops. Orton visibly wonders why, but gets his answer as Shelton Benjamin comes in and beats him half to death. Orton runs for it. Race is looking pretty pissed off he accepted those free tickets, and Benjamin is staring at Orton like he plans some murder sometime soon.
Yeah, I can get behind some Dead White Boy... Probably because I'm still pissed off about that fucking Star Trek and the Indians shit... Bobo can hold a grudge, huh?
And now, Smackdown News: Rico and some other guy won the Tag Belts, and Booker T is chased away by Undertaker. Bradshaw and the Dudleys beat up Eddy, and Paul Heyman's back on Smackdown.
Batista takes a moment to talk to Flair about how HHH won, Orton WOULD have won against Race, so he's intent on ending things tonight on a positive note for Evolution. Flair soaks it in patiently, and then says, "All I'm gonna say about that is... WOOO!"
You should've said more, Naitch. Dave still sucks on the stick.
We're back. (10:42) Evolution comes to the ring. They get there (10:43) and try to get some heat out of the crowd... They fail. Edge gets his intro, and the crowd likes him. He runs around some at the top of the ramp, then starts to the ring (10:44) He gets in it and stares at Evolution. Benoit makes his intro (10:44.5) and he gets to the ring with his two belts. (10:45) Evolution makes with the hairy eyeball.
Benoit will start it off against Flair. They circle each other and then lock up. Flair with a headlock, flows into a hammerlock. Benoit counters with a drop-toe. Flair and he scramble back up and the make with the collar and elbow. Benoit pushes Flair to the corner and makes with the choppy. Irish Whips Flair to the opposite side and gets in the Back Body Drop. Flair gets up and hits Benoit, then tags Batista. Benoit shoves Batista into his own corner, and he and Edge work Dave over some. Tag to Edge. Dave flattens Edge with a shoulderblock, and then chokes on him. Irish Whip to the opposite side, with a Lariat in the corner. Batista goes for the cover, but Edge's legs are under the rope. Dave pushes Edge to his own corner so he and Flair can double team him. Tag to Flair. Edge hits a drop-toe, and then a modified half-crab. Flair mounts a counter offense, but Edge puts him in the Figure Four. Flair's in trouble. He tries to turn them over, but fails. Edge releases the hold and tags Benoit. Benoit pushes Flair in the corner for a series of chops. Flair Flop. Flair tries to beg off. Benoit continues chopping. Flair Flop #2.
Benoit with a Snap Suplex. Flair with a thumb to the face. Benoit clamps him in a headlock and then goes to tag Edge. Edge walks Flair to the corner for some Mounted Punching. Flair counters with a Manhattan Drop. Flair tags Dave. Dave charges and shoulderblocks Edge. Edge comes off the ropes with a lariat, then tags Benoit. Dave tries to attack, but eats a Backdrop Suplex. Dave tries to Irish Whip Edge to the corner so Flair can pull down the ropes and let him fall outside, but Edge stops short and kicks Flair in the mouth. Dave uses the opportunity and clotheslines Edge outside. Benoit tries to make the save, but while he's busy being stopped by the ref Flair bounces Edge's bad wing off the steel steps.
Dave is still thrashing Edge (10:56). Edge is trying to make the tag, and he does. Benoit comes in and lariats Dave inside out. Flair runs in, and gets a back body drop. Dave gets a Snap Suplex. Flair comes back in and thumbs Benoit in the eye, then goes to the top rope so Benoit can fling him to the center of the ring. Flair bounces out of the ring as Dave comes back into action, but Benoit hits him with the Triple German Suplex. Benoit with the Swandive Headbutt, and then clamps on the Crossface. Flair makes the save.
Both men struggle to their feet, but Dave is up first and he holds Benoit while he tags Flair. Flair with a kneedrop, then a series of Choppy-Woo and punches to the midsection. Hard Irish Whip to the opposite corner puts Benoit in bad shape as Flair tage Dave back in. Dave hits a Vertical Suplex, followed with a knee to the back and then a Half-Crab. Dave taunts Edge, who tries to get in. The ref stops him. Tag to Flair, who tries a series of covers to 'wear down Benoit'. Flair with an Inside Cradle. Two. Flair with a Big Chop. Twocount. Tag to Dave, who carries Benoit around on his shoulder a little before hitting a powerslam. Dave tries a few covers, but doesn't get more than two either. Tag to Flair, who makes with some chops, and then tries an Abdominal Stretch. Benoit counters with a Backslide for two. Tag to Dave. Benoit tries a kick, but Dave catches it. Then Dave catches the Enzuigiri. Tag to Edge. All four men in the ring now, and Edge makes a few big hits with the cast. Flair's confused as Edge clotheslines Dave to the outside, so he tries to put Benoit in the Figure Four. Edge gets back in the ring and (as the legal man) Spears Flair out of his boots and then gets the threecount.
HHH runs out and attacks Benoit with a chair. HBK comes out to make the save, but accidentally hits Benoit. Edge isn't too happy about it, and he has some words with Michaels. Michaels explains how it was all an accident. Edge believes him. Benoit doesn't, and he puts Michaels in the Sharpshooter. Edge manages to pry him off the Kid, but Benoit is a little bothered by it all...
Amother solid showing, despite a larger portion of stupid shit - including Jerry Lawler in the ring and Orton spitting on Harley Race, which doesn't win Orton any points with me.
As a hint, don't fucking do the spit angle again. The 'old school' fans you want to bring back with old guys will be quickly alienated by this bit and go away again... Just a little friendly advice from your buddy Bobo.
You're welcome. See you SOON.