Hello, my intended...
Yep, it was a good show last week... But for now I'm gonna do like HHH did with Benjamin and call it a Fluke and totally screw 'em over this week.
However, like I said last week, I'm actually looking forward to the match which pits Foley, Benoit, HBK and whatever's left of Shelton Benjamin against the totality of Evolution. Sure, it's gonna be a screwjob considering the levels of screwy endings we got last week, but at least it makes SOME sense...
Yeah, they wanna try to put over how much everyone on the respective teams hates each other so that we'll be more inclined to buy the Pay-Per-View, but nobody really cares. In fact, I'd wager that the Rock will come out during at LEAST Foley's match with that 'Walking Tall' 2x4 with electrical tape (Movie Tie-In + No DQ = Someone might give a shit about a match involving Orton and/or Foley). I can see Hacksaw Duggan now...
"Y'mean all I hadda doo wuz put some TAPE on one end and purtend it wuz a handle and I could'a been a fancy MOVIN' PITCHER STAR?"
Yeah, Hacksaw. Sure...
Okay, that was low - even for me. What's my point, you may ask? Easy. Suddenly, making fun of obviously retar- er, Special People is no longer under the Politically Correct crosshairs. It's no longer considered 'mean' to shit on the self-esteem of those less fortunate in the brain department. And even if it IS, we can easily distract them with something shiny so they'll forget we're laughing AT them.
Think about it... With the country up to their eyeballs in people 'taking a side' regarding the war in Iraq on the front burner of every shitheel with a camera and a microphone - who the fuck CARES if someone's feelings get hurt because of Mel Gibson's Jesus Snuff Flick or any OTHER 'unimportant' triviality. Political Correctness is Dead.
Long Live Political Crusading. Yes, I'm aware of the inference. So is Bush. That's the only issue anyone really cares about now, folks. How many dead in Iraq TODAY? How many dead since 'major fighting' stopped? How many more YET to die? Y'know, I think it's funny that more American-type people died in the six months following the end of 'major fighting' than died DURING the six months of major fighting - and it's been close to a YEAR since this 'major fighting' supposedly stopped. I wonder how THAT will affect the vote in Florida this time around...?
Seems pretty darn silly to get worked up over someone calling you some 'ethnic slur' or 'hurtful label' when there's so many folks getting shot to death or blown up over there, huh?
Not just 'ours' either...
But I digress.
More and more shows are using Special People as comedy-devices... It's not just South Park anymore. So it was only a matter of time before WWe looked around and saw how these shows were getting laughs and decided to cash in themselves... These things are cyclical, after all. Making fun of retar- Special People is in vogue roughly every ten years, and the WWe is leaping on the chance to improve their 'Entertainment' section while they can. Personally, I don't think Regal deserves to be saddled with this 'Keeper of the Gene' bit, but there's pretty few people besides him IN their roster with the chops to pull it off. Personally, I think Lance Storm could do it, too, but his '14 years of hard work' are already wasted.
See, the funniest clowns are the ones that don't try - or even WANT - to be funny. Leslie Nielsen was a great (well, capable at least) 'serious' actor before the Zuckers put him in 'Airplane!' and ruined him. Adam West was a pretty good actor before he destroyed it all putting on a cape and cowl. Jack Benny could get you to laugh by just STARING at you for ten seconds. Even William Shatner - who is not even a decent actor - illicits HUGE laughs by just TALKING in that stilted way he does.
This brings us back to Steve Regal... He's not funny. Hell, he makes Lance Storm look like The Joker. But him being presented by the ridiculous situation of 'Eugene', and being appalled by it... IS FUNNY.
Molly being bald? Not funny. Molly stoicly pretending she's not bald while wearing a chinstrap wig? Funny. Molly flipping out over losing said wig? Not funny. Molly returning with a new wig like nothing happened last week? Funny. Even Wile E. Coyote would have said 'Hell with it.' by now, but Molly keeps coming out for more...
Bottom line, people want to laugh a little... They NEED to. While I'm still somewhat put off by the ever-decreasing amount of wrestling in the wrestling show, they seem to be gaining ground in the 'entertainment' area with comedy. By using their LEAST funny people, no less...
No, I don't count Coach. He's OBVIOUSLY 'funny'.
Anyway... Tonight's Raw comes at us from Chicago, Illinois. Standard Raw Intro. Uncle Eric's picture is booed. I anticipate a total fustercluck of a show, since all they've really built up is the Main Event. Oh well, I'll give 'em a chance anyway...
Replay of the 'second fluke' countout win for Benjamin, and his subsequent four on one punking. The rescue effort, and the punishment for same.
Benjamin is all hyped up and Bischoff is trying to calm him down. Shelton calls him the worst head of a company he's ever seen, to a minor pop. Jonny tells him something while still holding Foley's Barbie, and Benji tells him to shut up before he gets it as an enema. Foley, HBK and Benoit come in and HBK works the Cheap Pop a little before they promise a 'bench clearing brawl'.
So Foley comes out to the ring with his Barbie, and the crowd is happy. Foley has a mic, and imitates Elmer Fudd, only he's huntin' Wandies. Foley runs down Jonny Nitro and is gonna be putting Barbi in the care of someone he trusts. He also says that the rules of the match tonight sort of prevent him from doing what he REALLY wants to, but he'll try to save enough to work over at Backlash. Foley also talks up his teammates, and promises to work over Evolution 'Chicago Style'.
Bobo wants a pizza...
Foley explains that while he's gonna do the damn thing to Orton at Backlash - he's not sure if he'll be comfy becoming something he doesn't quite wanna be, or extinguishing one of the brighter lights in the lockerrooms... No, he's not gonna be comfy, but he knows who will be... Cactus Jack. He draws some comparisons to Foley and Cactus, wherein Cactus is a hideous monster bent on revenge and inflicting pain. He then promises to make it an affair of blood and gore not seen this side of Mel Gibson movies. Orton tries to run out and wallop Foley with a chair, but Cactus parries - knocking the chair out of his mitts - and Orton flees immediately.
Confidential will show us a sneak peek of the new Diva calender shoot... Meh.
Kane comes out with his pyro and towel. He'll be squashing... Grand Master Sexay? Kill this fuck, would you, Glenn? There's a buddy.
Kane looks pretty astounded by Sexay being there, so that'll make two of us. Sexay starts in with some punches and a dropkick. Tries two dropkicks, but Kane swats it away, and then tries an Elbow Drop. Sexay dodges, and then hits a seated dropkick on the prone Kane. It gets two. Kane gets pissed. He lariats Sexay in the corner, and then hits a Sidewalk Slam. Chokeslam. Threecount. Kane wins. Pyro. Kane leaves.
Cut to the back as Trish is getting her hair done by some old bag. Eugene trots up and says 'Hi' to the makeup lady, but has no idea who Trish is. Trish tries to lead Gene into saying who she is, but Gene just says, 'Slut'. Regal immediately comes up and apologizes, then frantically ushers Gene off Stage Left. Christian comes up and comforts Trish, promising that after he destroys Jericho, he'll let her get the cover. They hug.
Coach is back to his 'jazzy' faggy music, and he's got some ninja with him. Sigh. Coach jaws about the 'feud' and shit, to the dismay of Bobo and the fans in Chicago. Apparently, Tajiri's challenged the Coach at Backlash. The fans chant Fuck You/You Suck. Coach warns that he won't accept the challenge unless Tajiri can defeat his Five-Star Ninja, he won't accept. Tajiri comes out.
The two circle each other, and go to a collar and elbow, but the ninja hits a back-heel sweep from an armbar. Tajiri responds with an Armdrag. The ninja goes to some brawling, but Tajiri hits some kicks and then the springboard back elbow. Tajiri tries to take the mask off, but the guy slips loose and Superkicks him in the back of the head. The Ninja is whipping on Tajiri, but Tajiri counters with the Tarantula. Coach interferes with a right cross. Ninja with a cover, but it gets two. The ninja with some offense, including a Senton. Tajiri slips out of a suplex attempt, and kicks the ninja's head off. Tajiri takes the mask off, and it's Al Snow. Tajiri puts the mask in his mouth and looks pretty happy just chewing on it.
Five Star Ninja? More like Ninja Gay Den.
Welcome back, Al...
Commercials. Robert DeNiro and Greg Kinnear in the same movie doesn't sound like a 'Godsend' to ME...
Flair is complaining to Bischoff about 'the Shelton Benjamin Thing', and denies his beating the Game ever happened. He further demands to face Shelton at Backlash. Bischoff agrees and sends Flair out. Flair opens the door, and Benjamin's outside waiting. Shelton lays a beatdown on Flair. Eric tries to pull him off the Nature Boy, but Shelton shoves his blackbelt ass aside like a shower curtain to continue beating on Flair. Several referees come in and manage to pry the ni- kid off Nature Boy.
Cut to HHH sitting in a black room talking about the upcoming 'Final Conflict' due at Backlash - and that there's a reason he's called the Game. Further, there's only ONE Diamond in this business - and we're looking at him.
Simon Diamond and Diamond Dallas Page do spit-takes.
Countdown to Y2J... Chicago pops. We're reminded that in 1999, Chris Jericho debuted for the WWe in this very arena (despite their being the WWF at the time). Time for the Highlight Reel. Jericho says at Backlash he'll get the match he's been waiting for since Wrestlemania - against the Creepy Little Bastard and Stephanie McMahon... Oops, that's right, it's on Trish now. Jericho pisses on them a bit - as well as DDP, for some reason - to the delight of the crowd. More slut jokes follow... Then he shows the clip of Trish being made to bark by McMahon, with real fake doggy sounds this time. The crowd eats it up. Jericho reminds us a female dog is a bitch, and 'Once a bitch, always a bitch.' This reminds me of a joke...
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore fucks everybody. A bitch fucks everybody BUT YOU.
Anyway, Chris's guest tonight will be the chick that eliminated Trish during the Battle Royal last week. Lita comes out. Trish comes out right behind her and promptly beats the shit out of Lita.
I'm supposed to BOO this? No, clearly not.
Bischoff comes out and decides since they wanna scrap so bad, they're up next. He has the flunkies clear the ring of the Highlight Reel, and while they do so...
We're back, and Trish is stomping all over Lita. She then places Lita in the corner and stomps on her some more. Jericho is at ringside. Christian comes out as Lita mounts a counter offensive, but Trish kicks her in the belly and pins her for two. They go to a collar and elbow, but Lita pushes Trish to the corner and lays in a shoulderblock to the midsection. Trish responds with a rake of the eye, followed by a reverse chinlock. Trish turns it to a seated Sleeper, but Lita battles to her feet - then gets slapped back down and throttled on the bottom ropes. Lita gets to a vertical base, but is dropped by a hook to the belly for another chinlock. Jericho pounds the mat in support and Lita gets a second wind, getting to her feet and taking it to Trish. Trish tries for Stratusfaction, but Lita counters with a Backdrop Suplex for two. Trish gets to her feet and wallops Lita. Lita responds with a monkey-flip to a floating mount for some punches. Lita with a Snap Suplex, and floats over for the cover. It gets two. Lita with a Side Russian Legsweep for another two. Trish is whipped to the corner and Lariated. Trish whipped to the opposite side and she gets the elbow up to back Lita off. Trish tries to capitalize, but is flung outside the ring. Lita comes over the ropes with a Tope' Suicida and flattens Trish, then she tosses her back in as Christian comes up for something. Lita slaps him. Christian bounces her off the barrier for a DQ. Jericho intervenes, running Christian off. Trish gets to her feet and backs into Jericho. She tries to slap him, but Jericho takes her down and tries for the Walls. Christian comes back in and kicks Y2J off, then bounces him off the ringpost and puts him in the Unprettier. Christian hauls Jericho up and lets Trish slap on him some before a second Unprettier lays Y2J out completely. Trish leans in for some trashtalk, and even gets in the Chick Kick for good measure. Not much of a match, but I really don't expect one from Lita.
La Resistance is being interviewed by some geek, and it seems they're moving to Quebec to become more dignified. Eugene comes out and dresses up in their flag. Regal tries to chase him off as they continue their UnAmerican v2.0 schtick. Regal says not to mind them to Eugene, since they're French - and thus rude and obnoxious. He then muses that La Resistance probably LIKE Eugene.
Jonny Nitro comes out still in a sling. Nobody's happy. He's got a statement to make as the hand-picked apprentice, regarding how Bischoff is all pissed off he got attacked by Edge - and thus will be putting him against Kane as punishment. However, Nitro has something he wants to tell Edge personally, and calls him down.
Edge comes on down and soaks up some Chicago Love.
Nitro talks some shit about how Edge is stealing Cowboy Bob's old Cast Weapon dead (but doesn't mention Cowboy Bob, lest he irritate Randy), and says that he's instructed the refs that if Edge uses said cast in the match with Kane, he'll not only be DQed, he'll be suspended. Edge calls him Jonny Jackass, and promises to beat Kane this Sunday. He then tells Jonny to give Uncle Eric a message for him... And then Spears him.
Um, wasn't Kane supposed to be indestructible? What the fuck should anyone care if Edge wears or uses a cast? Shane McMahon dropped him in a flaming dumpster, for crying out loud... A little continuity, please?
Commercials. NBA Ballers, surprisingly enough, isn't a Rape Game... Too bad, as THAT might have SOLD.
La Resistance comes down the aisle, waving the flag of Quebec (their new home). Sylvan will be wrestling. He'll face Hurricane with Rosey. Hurricane with a side headlock. Grenier counters with an Irish Whip, but Helms leapfrogs him. Hurricane with another headlock after they run around a little more. Sylvan Irish Whips him to the corner, but he handsprings up into an anklescissor. Grenier shoves him and he lands belly-first across the top rope. Grenier with some brawling takes Hurricane down, then picks him up and puts him in the Cobra Twist. Hurricane counters with an Armdrag. Grenier with a couple kneelifts and a clothesline, which gets two.
Grenier with the old Gutbuster for another two, and then begins taking the boots to Hurricane. Eugene comes out, convinced that La Resistance likes him. He tries to give them an Easter Bunny. They tear the head off it. Eugene cries, but Hurricane uses the opportunity to dump Sylvan in a Neckbreaker and get the win. Regal comes out and escorts Eugene back to the locker-room as La Resistance soaks up another 'L'.
Now Shawn Michaels is sitting in a black room to jaw some at us about how he's the Showstopper and blase' blase'. It's what he does, he tells us. Just you wait and see how good it'll be.
Um, Mike? I already KNOW how good it's going to be.
And I'm not wasting my money on it.
You're both gonna fuck Benoit...
And I'm not wasting my money on it.
Commercials. Kill Bill volume 2 starts this Friday. Bobo will go see it.
Let's pad the show with some recaps from Smackdown, shall we? It seems Bradshaw is moonlighting as a Border Guard. Guerrero stole the Angle Award and made it a hood ornament (no pun intended) for his lowrider, then smashed it with a chair. RVD and Booker T break up, as Booker has turned to the dark side (no pun intended). They'll be fighting each other this Thursday, and I think I'll watch it.
We'll follow that up with some montage of how Foley's gone 'Over the Edge'. Orton pisses himself watching it this week, too.
Shilling of Backlash, including a rundown of the card.
Chris Benoit gets a turn in the big black room for equal time. He reminds us how HHH tapped out. How he's been hearing he simply 'got lucky' when he won at Wrestlemania. He says he doesn't believe in luck - he believes in hard work. (Bobby Walker does a spit-take) Benoit promises when they get to Backlash he's gonna go to work and when it's done, he'll still be the Champion. At least he kept it short.
Benoit comes out first (10:39), then Shelton Benjamin, then HBK, and finally Foley. All of them get their intros to pad the show. Evolution comes out together (10:43) and walk to the ring. Slowly. They get there (10:45) and surround the ring rather than enter it. Evolution begins to enter the ring, and Flair will likely start it off... Against HBK.
The go to the collar and elbow, but Flair gets the Irish Whip. HBK chops him down coming off the ropes, and does the Flair Strut to make fun. HBK backs Flair to the corner for an overhand right so Flair can do the Flair Flop. They go to the brawlies, trading Choppy-Woos. Tag to Foley, who tunes up on Flair with a kneelift and then backs him to the goodguy corner for the workover. Flair staggers out, and almost gets a tag. He's dragged back into the goodguy corner and worked over some more. Tag to Benoit, who tosses Flair into the corner, tagging HHH. HHH comes in, and Benoit is all over him like ugly on an ape. Series of brawlies, follows with a Back Body Drop and a Snap Suplex. Gets two. Triple H turns the tide with the High Knee, and tries for the Pedigree. Benoit slips out and they brawl. HHH with another Pedigree attempt, but Benoit counters, flowing into a Sharpshooter. Flair breaks it up, and all hell breaks loose. All eight men in the ring now, and HBK slingshots onto Flair, Orton and Batista on the floor. Benoit's in the ring sizing up HHH - what'll happen next?
Commercials. You knew it, didn't you? (10:51)
We're back (10: 54) and HHH is in control, putting Benoit in a front chancery, then tagging Flair. Flair chops Benoit down, and it gets two. No tag to HHH, but he comes in and strangles on Benoit, the ref forces HHH out, so Flair tags in Batista. Dave flattens Benoit with a shoulderblock, then tags Flair back in for some more chopping. Benoit and the Nature Boy go toe-to-toe and Chop for Chop, then Benoit tags in Foley. Foley beats Flair's entire ass, then knocks Orton off the apron. Benjamin goes to the top, and Foley tags him so he can nail Flair with a clothesline off the top. Benji with a Back Body Drop, Flair responds with a Thumb to the Eye, followed by an Irish Whip as Orton pulls down the top rope so Shelton can fall outside the ring into HHH's tender mercy. HHH ricochets Benji off the steel steps. HHH tosses Shelton back in. Flair lays in a kneedrop, then tags in Orton. Orton puts on a chinlock for a bit, then tags in HHH. Benji thrown to the ropes for a Spinebuster, Foley tries to come in, but is ejected. Evolution works over SB, including a naked choke by HHH. Tag to Flair, who beats on SB. SB fighting back, and they're both looking a little wobbly. Flair falls, but grapevines SB's legs so he can't tag while Ric tags in Dave.
Dave bulls SB around some, and then throws him to the corner. Shelton gets a leg up, but Dave catches it. He pulls Benji to the middle of the ring, and Benji hits him with the enzuigiri. Dave falls, and that gets SB a chance to make the hot tag to HBK. HBK cleans house. Orton's in trouble after somehow becoming the legal man, and HBK strikes up the band. Flair tries to intervene, but gets the Superkick for his trouble. It buys enough time for Orton to hit the RKO. Orton with the cover, but Benoit hits him with the Diving Headbutt. Foley's in now, and he clamps on the Mandible Claw to the approval of the crowd. Batista drags him out of the ring and clotheslines the shit out of him, then goes into the ring and eats the Superkick. HBK gets the win for his team. Yay.
An interesting show, but a mess of a match to take it home. It's not very effective in making me want to buy Backlash.
How about you?
You're welcome. See you SOON.