Longest... Article... EVER
Originally Posted 3-22-04

Hello, my intended...

Long story short: I decided to buy another TV while the Uber-Tuber is in the shop, so brace yourselves. I'm gonna dish up a twofer this time out. First, last weeks recap - then this one. Why?

Because I'm a fucking moron, remember?

If you've already gotten your recap for last week, feel free to scroll down to the horizontal bar that separates these Recaps. It'll take a bit, though... Sorry.

Last Week: 3-15-04

Standard Raw Intro, and Eric's picture is booed this time. Cut right to Lillian Garcia telling the crowd to welcome Triple H. Levesque comes out in a suit and a sling, and quickly tosses the blazer aside as he makes his way to the ring. JR says that Trips has a dislocated shoulder, and the crowd stands up and chants Benoit's name. JR says, "It's a moment the fans have been waiting for a long time." Which is either an acknowledgment to us internet bastards, or a warning that it's not gonna last so don't get too happy. Probably both, as JR likes to stand on both sides of the fence whenever possible... HHH pacing around the ring in a bit of a snit as he soaks up the catcalls, including "You Tapped Out" and "Benoit Rules". He brings the microphone up for the usual carping and such, probably gonna give the old 'You've got a bullseye on you now.' stuff he said to Goldberg and Michaels...

"You think one match makes someone the best?" he demands of the crowd. "You think putting the belt around your waist one time makes you the best? I got news for you: It doesn't mean crap! What makes you the best is comiong to this ring and defending that title night after night, month after month, year after year. THAT makes you the best - and that's what I've done! I've beaten them ALL. Not one time. Not one match. EVERY... SINGLE... NIGHT!"

Two problems, kids.. One, he hasn't had that belt 'year after year' because it's barely been two years since they gave the old WCW strap to him. Two, I don't really recall him beating 'the best' as much as he says he has. Off the top of my head, I don't remember him beating Hogan (they were teammates, since HHH was a face coming back from the injury) even ONCE. Further, I don't remember him beating Bret Hart at all... They gave those wins to his 'boss' the HBK - while he was being pinned by Ultimate Warrior's scrotum, as I recall. Not that he couldn't get a job out of either of them NOW, mind, but I thought I'd toss in my two cents because nobody can stop me, really. We now return to the kvetching...

He admits to tapping out, and asks if it makes us happy. Y'know, it really does. No shit. He then reminds us it 'took two men to beat him - not one'. The only problem with that is in a triple threat match EVERYONE is against two other guys, which means it also took two men to beat HBK - and Benoit beat two men to get the strap. Oops. He goes back to reminding us he's beaten them all, and when he looked in the mirror he still knew he was the greatest professional wrestler alive today, and whether you like it or not let him explain something to Benoit. 'You think you won? You think you beat me? You're wrong. Now the target is on your chest! Everybody is gunning for YOU. You see this sling? This sling is gonna come off sooner or later, and I'm gonna be 100%. THEN, it's not gonna be two on one - it's gonna be ONE on one, and let me tell you what happens next...' I think it's strange that he says 'let me tell you' so much, as it's basically requesting permission to speak, which a 'super monster champion best alive' type really doesn't require of the sheep. Maybe it's just me, but I think something like 'I'll tell you this' is a bit snappier and works better for the 'character'.

Benoit comes out. With the belt. This pleases me.

Triple H glares at him all the way to the ring, and continues staring daggers at him as he shows off the belt to the four corners. Benoit gets a mic, and the crowd is chanting his name. He shows that he's already had the tag changed on the belt and the crowd reminds HHH he tapped out once again. Benoit says he was listening in the back to all HHH's pissing and moaning, and he finally had enough. He reminds HHH that he whooped two guy's last night, and made him tap in the deal. He also speaks about 'the consistency' he spoke of, the week-after-week et cetera deal, and he says when HHH's arm gets better week after week, year after year, he'll make him TAP and TAP and TAP. Bless that toothless little Canuck, I say.

'Not on your best damn day," HHH snarls.

'Come to think of it,' Benoit smiles, 'this isn't my best damn day...' Then he slugs him to the mat and stomps on his arm. Evolution comes out and surrounds the ring. They slowly enter said ring as Benoit tries to watch all of them, and HBK comes out to chase them away with a chair. Then Bischoff comes out, and he says he got a phone call from McMahon saying not to sign a title match tonight - or any other night. He tells us Vince will explain in further detail when he gets to the building, but what Eric CAN do is make the Main Event - and since Evolution did such a fantastic job beating the Rock and Sock Connection at WM, he'll put Batista, Orton, and Flair against Michaels and Benoit in a handicap match. Deja vu, eh? Triple H seems somewhat pleased by this, which brings the worldwide total to about one.


Coach interviews Michaels coming in from somewhere in the back, and asks why he saved Benoit. 'Protecting my investment,' he replies. (???) 'If Benoit's 100%, that means I'll eventually get a world title match - and I deserve it. Benoit hasn't beaten ME yet, whereas I've beaten him - so I'll be damned if HHH is gonna get that shot.' So tonight in the tag match he's gonna protect his partner. He's gonna protect his investment. And if necessary, he'll take HHH out of the equation 'for good'.

Nice how he makes it sound like he threw the match at Wrestlemania so he could get first crack at the title 'one on one', huh? Way to bury the new champ, Michaels. Well done. Hey, at least he's CONSISTENT, right?

Victoria is coming to the ring, hopefully for a match... Looks like she retained, so I guess Molly's bald. They show Vic giving the clippers to Molly and dropping some of the hair in her lap. Lita comes out next (NooooOO!) as her tag partner, so I guess it'll be another snoozer with Jazz and Molly... Jazz comes out next with Teddy Long, and Molly comes out in a wig with a CHINSTRAP. That's actually pretty funny. Molly commences to assaulting the shit out of Victoria while Jazz bashes Lita and tosses her out of the ring. Molly clubs Victoria to the mat and then rubs her face in it before doing some faceplanting. Two Victoria mat bounces and she goes for the cover, but only gets a one-count. Molly hauls her to a vertical base in a front chancery and drags her to the hell corner. Tag to Jazz, who lays in a double axe-handle shot the middle/lower back of the helpless Victoria. Jazz scoops Victoria up on her shoulder and takes a couple steps before doing a sit-out powerslam. Interesting move, there... Jazz dishes up a legdrop and then goes for the cover, Lita breaks it up at two with a stamping kick to the shoulder of Jazz. Jazz warns her about that kinda stuff as Victoria tries to get her bearings - reaching to the neutral corner for a tag, even. Nice selling, that. Jazz mounts her and lays in a few crossface forearm shots, then drags her to her feet for some knife-edge chops. Jazz with an Irish Whip to the neutral corner, but Victoria jumps to the middle buckle and leaps off in a moonsault that catches Jazz in mid-step. Nice spot, that. It gets two, but Molly breaks it up. The referee sends her back to the apron as the two legal women get to their feet. Jazz lays in a VICIOUS kneelift to the belly of Victoria that takes her off the mat. Victoria gamely struggles to her feet, and Jazz gives her an open-handed slap to the mouth. Victoria staggers, and Jazz whips her to the corner to try for the elusive Avalanche Rush, but Victoria dodges and Jazz eats the top turnbuckle. That move is getting to be Jazz's 'Flair climbs the turnbuckle' thing, I think...

Victoria uses the time Jazz is busy making sure all her teeth are still there to tag in Lita. Jazz goes for a clothesline, but Lita ducks it. Lita works a monkey-throw and sorta tosses Jazz. Jazz gets up and stumbles into the neutral corner, and Lita hits a skipping lariat. Wow, that girl runs kinda weird... Jazz staggers from the impact and into Lita's waiting arms - and a Snap Suplex. Lita kips up and waits for Jazz to rise, then pops her with a right hook. Lita tries to Irish Whip Jazz to the ropes, but Jazz reverses. Jazz goes for a Sidewalk Slam, but Lita reverses into that sloppy ankle-scissors and dumps Jazz to the mat. Lita starts punching on Jazz, who looks pretty out of it all things considered. Lita goes to the ropes as Jazz is on one knee trying to get upright, and Molly lays a kick into her back while the ref isn't looking. Perturbed, Lita goes to yank Molly in by the hair - which brings the wig off. Molly's bald as a grape, which makes me sad - though I do seem to remember thinking that bald chick in the first Star Trek movie (Ilia, I think) was kinda hot, but since I was like twelve when that was relevant I won't go into it... Victoria enjoins the crowd to point and laugh with her, and they do. Molly abandons ship in total embarrassment. Jazz, meanwhile, is punching all over on Lita. Jazz with a scoopup, trying for that odd powerslam, but Lita slips out and dishes up a VICIOUS looking DDT. Lita with the hook of the leg, and that'll win it. Wow, it's been a while since I saw a DDT finish the match. Not bad, but it could have been much better.

Commercials. The Whole Nine Yards is getting a sequel, called 'The Whole TEN Yards'. God, I hate the movie business...

We're back, and King and Lawler are talking - but the audio feed is out. (Thanks, God. I knew You were There! Good looking out!) When the sound kicks back in, they talk about the whole deal with Jericho and Christian, and how Trish cost Jericho the match and turned out to be on Christian's team. Goodie. We need another heel chick. She even kissed Christian.

Some dink asks Jericho in the back how he feels about losing to Christian (Jericho scowls), and how he feels about Trish betraying and then humiliating him last night (Jericho scowls so deeply he looks like HHH's little brother, but still says nothing). Let's go to the ring. Matt Hardy is coming out, and he's ridiculously underrated (not my opinion, it's his Matt Fact). He'll be facing the very unhappy Chris Jericho, who looks ready to murder the next thing he sees. Hardy picks up on it, and bails to the floor as Jericho hits the ring. The ref backs Jericho up enough Matt feels safe to re-enter, and that'll start the match. Jericho immediately bulls Hardy to his corner and commences pounding on him. Matt tries to fight back, but Jericho's totally lost it and shakes him around by the hair in the corner before Irish Whipping him to his own corner and lariating him out of his boots. Hardy drops to one knee, but Jericho yanks him up for some chops. Irish Whip to the far side, but Hardy reverses it. Jericho hangs onto the ropes as Hardy punches air, and then Y2J leaps at him with a clothesline, taking him to the mat. Jericho proceeds to dribble the head of Matt Hardy against the mat by Hardy's hair. The referee breaks that up after about five boings, and Hardy staggers to the corner flailing about like he's being ganged up on. Jericho lays a forearm to his back and then whips him to the neutral corner. Jericho follows him in for another lariat, but Hardy counters with a drop-toe hold, bouncing Jericho's skimmer off the middle buckle. Hardy quick to capitalize, laying in a few punches to the back of Y2J's head before tying him up in the ropes and cranking him in a chinlock using the top rope as a fulcrum. Hardy breaks the hold at three, and then says something to the crowd before taking off against the nearside ropes for a head of steam. Took too long, there, as Jericho recovers in ample time to knock his fucking block off. Hardy's on the mat and Jericho is standing astride him to pepper the Mattitude with some punches before dragging him to a vertical base and flinging him to the opposite neutral corner chest-first. Hardy staggers back, and Y2J lays a forearm shiver into his kidneys and prepares for a backdrop suplex, but Hardy gouges him in the eye to stop that.

Hardy with a High Backdrop Suplex on Jericho, who staggered away in pain from the thumb to the face. Hardy lays in a kick to his ribs while he's down, then drags him up and sets him in the corner before telling him he's going to 'slap him like Trish'. He does. He goes to do it again, but Chris blocks it and surges forward. It looks like a collar and elbow, but Jericho's got a double handful of Hardy's hair, and he tosses him out of the ring. Sorta. Hardy gets tangled in the middle rope on the way out, so the spot is kinda blown. Jericho goes out after him and gives a Snapmare Throw to Hardy on the outside, bouncing him off the barrier. Jericho gets the cable and commences to strangle Hardy. The referee disqualifies Jericho, who contines to strangle Hardy. The referee pulls Chris off Matt and tells him he's DQ'ed, so Jericho stalks off looking pretty pissed. Hey, what do you know? Matt Hardy actually WON one on Raw. Heh.


During the break, Jericho stalks off to his car and drives away.

Randy Orton is in the back, and he commences bragging about beating Foley with an RKO last night at WM, but he figures that it won't be good enough for Foley and his family. So to remove all doubt, he challenges Foley to a one-on-one with Evolution banned from ringside. He then names one of Foley's kids and asks how Foley'll feel when that kid grows up idolizing Randy Orton.

Damn it, boy. You do NOT use a guy's KIDS for a fucking PROMO. NOT EVER. As far as I'm concerned, he blew any momentum he might have had with such a totally low-class spot. That sort of shit doesn't make you look like a heel, it makes you look like a low-life piece of shit. RECOGNIZE.

Oh, goody. La Resistance is 'back together'... All three of them, and they have a new addition as well. A fucking POODLE. God, I wish I was kidding. It's even named 'Fifi' to drive the whole 'French' thing home. I give up. These guys have all sorts of talent, I know they do, and they just flushed all the legitimacy they had down the fucking CRAPPER. They speak of getting the tag titles to 'make Fifi 'appy', and Stone Cold Steve Austin leans in. He has a look on him that is pretty close to mine, as he tries to wrap his brain around this fustercluck. Dupree asks him if there's a prob-lem.

Austin says there is, and proceeds to regale us with how he did with the match at WM where he pretty much buried the two guys that were gonna save the company but are now kinda quitting. He then decides as Sheriff to give a ticket to the French bitch for leaving droppings he almost stepped in. Dupree says Fifi didn't do any such thing, and Austin asks if they're calling him a liar. They stand their ground, and Austin explains that he's not giving the ticket to the French bitch on the leash - he's giving it to the French bitch HOLDING the leash. Dupree takes exception to these remarks, and Austin asks what they're gonna do about it. La Resistance backs away slowly, which should finish their burial pretty nicely.


Val Venis is in the ring at this time, with a random chick fan possibly pulled from the crowd. He lets her yanks the towel off after some gyrations, and she cops a couple feels as she does it. Val calls her the 'official' luckiest woman in America. She tells him since he gave him something of his, she'll give him something of hers. She proceeds to begin unbuttoning her shirt, and Kane comes out. Venis gets the girl out of the ring just in time, as Kane hits the squared circle and flattens Venis with a Big Boot. Venis gets to his feet and is whipped to the corner for a lariat, then dumped in a Sidewalk Slam. Kane to the top rope and hits Venis with that leaping clothesline, then dishes up the Choke Slam to end the match with the 1-2-3 in just under twenty seconds total.

They show us some of the guys inducted to the WWe Hall of Fame, and some of their clips, including a tearful Heenan wishing Monsoon could be there to see it. Kinda classy, all things considered.


Miss Jackie is making her way to the ring... For a match. (UH-oh) She'll face... Stacy Kiebler. Okay, great. Two chicks who can't wrestle are gonna have a match. I pray it's over quickly, with minimal injuries. Stacy starts to get into the ring, but Jackie shoves her to the floor. Jackie outside after her and rolls Stacy into the ring, then tries to cover. Gets a one-count. Both chicks to their feet, and Jackie comes off the farside with some momentum, and Stacy tries to clothesline her. Jackie ducks, and bounces off the nearside - into a turning back crescent kick from Kiebler that catches her in the forehead. Jackie tries to get herself together, and takes shelter in her corner. Stacy makes with the old Nash-Choke, and looks to be leaning on it harder than she might need to. The referee counts to two and Stacy takes her foot off Jackie's neck. Then she puts it back on, and Jackie's legs aren't under her this time, so she's pretty much dangling about four inches from the mat under Stacy's boot. Looks pretty ugly, and Stacy releases at two again. Hairpull throw from Stacy sends Jackie across the ring and lands her on her chin (Ouch). Stacy hauls Jackie up, and Jackie buys some time with a kneelift to Stacy's midsection. Jackie with a snapmare takerover dumps Kiebler to the mat, then Jackie clamps on a reverse chinlock. The crowd chants 'We Want Puppies' as Jackie grinds the hold. Stacy looks to be tapping out slapping on Jackie's arm like that, but the ref doesn't see it, I guess. This is awful. How awful?

Vince McMahon comes out, and I'm GLAD to see him...

Fair's fair, I guess, since they DID interrupt him when HE was in the ring... The girls bail, and so does the ref. Vince gets a mic and apologizes for the intrusion, but there's something on his mind he's got to get off. (Must... Not... LAUGH...) He's also said that it's time to shake things up, and give the fans what they want. You want new stars? (Yes.) You want new matches? (Sure, why not?) You want new rivalries? (Yeah, okay.) You'll get 'em! (....Yeah, okay.) Next week we'll have a good old fashioned lottery, and no matter who you are - even if you're a relative - you're name's going on a ball and you're taking your chances. JR tells us 'a new day is dawning', which tells me it's all a fucking work and they're gonna fuck us anyway... We'll see next week (and further down the page) what happens when the balls commence bouncing.


HHH and Evolution are in Bischoff's office and make their worries known Vince breaking up the band, and HHH says he's not leaving the show without winning that championship back. Bischoff tells them in no uncertain terms that McMahon means business and 'everyone's up for grabs. Even Evolution.' I wonder if they'll be traded as a unit, like Billy and Chuck and nWo were? God knows HHH needs his flunkies, and making Flair piss away his legacy has got to be high up on the list of Vinnie's 'Things To Do'.

But let's have a match now, to remind us we're watching a wrestling show... Okay? Good. RVD and Booker T will be defending their tag titles against... The Dudleyz.


The Dudleyz make their way in to the ring and try to get some pop from the crowd, but it's pretty much dead thanks to McMahon... Next out is RVD and Booker, with a combined entrance video montage and some pyro. The four men stare each ot her down, and Booker and Bubba start things off. They circle each other, and Bubba offers a hand. Booker doesn't take it. THey go to a collar and elbow, struggling to gain ground all over the ring, but Booker eventually bulls Bubba to the neutral corner. They get a clean break. Booker latches onto Bubba and sends him to the ropes with an Irish Whip, but Bubba shoulderblocks the Book to the mat. Bubba goes to the opposite side, gaining momentum, and hops over Booker's attempt to bodytrip. Booker gets up quickly as Bubba comes off the near side and T with a leapfrog attempt - but Bubba fucks that up and kinda catches Booker in midleap to dump him to the mat on his left. Bubba covers, and gets two. Bubba grabs Booker in a front chancery and backs into Dudleyville to tag in DVon. DVon with a karate chop to the lower back of Booker, and Booker staggers to the neutral corner. DVon follows him in and lays on some measured overhand rights, then whips Booker to the opposite neutral corner. Booker hits back-first, and DVon charges in - to eat a back elbow. DVon staggers to the center of the ring, and Booker lays on a stiff forearm shiver to the chin of DVon. DVon staggers to the ropes on the nearside, and Booker pastes him with a right cross. Booker whips DVon to the opposite side, and then levels him with a clothesline. Tag to RVD.

Booker using the count to haul DVon to a vertical base for RVD to pepper his chest with some kicks, accented with some punches to the melon. DVon stumbles back into the nearside neutral corner, and Van Dam with a series of kicks and punches taking control of the match. But DVon starts fighting back with a series of rights that backs RVD up almost to the opposite neutral corner, then DVon whips the tag champ into the nearside neutral corner. DVon charges in, but RVD gets the foot up for DVon's pate to ricochet against. DVon staggers away and RVD takes him down with a twisting bodyscissors to the midsection that he flows into a pinning predicament that gets a two-count. Both men get to their feet, but DVon flattens RVD with a clubbing lariat. RVD in bad shape, and DVon hauls him upright and drags him to the Dudley corner to tag Bubba back in. Bubba gets in a punch to the short ribs of Van Dam, then the Dudleyz doubleteam Irish Whip Van Dam to the ropes and follow that up with a doubleteam shoulderblock to send him to the mat in a heap. Bubba falls on top of RVD and hooks the leg, but only gets a two-count. Bubba clamps on a chinlock a little, then pulls RVD up and tries for a suplex. Rob blocks it. Twice. Van Dam punches free with some shots to Bubba's belly, then a jumping back thrust kick to send Bubba to the mat. Tag to Booker.

RVD uses a quick second while Booker's entering the ring to lay a boot on Bubba's head as he's sitting on the mat. Bubba looking to tag DVon, but Booker stops him in the center of the ring with a chop to the back of his head. Bubba goes down, so Booker pulls him back up. They trade a few punches with each other, but Booker backs Bubba into the neutral corner and hits a kneelift - then clamps on a headlock. Bubba turns things around, putting Booker in the corner for a punch to the belly followed by an Irish Whip to the opposite corner. Bubba follows him in and lays a few shoulderblocks to Booker's midsection, then whips him to the ropes. Blind tag by RVD as Bubba waffles Booker to the mat. RVD climbs the ropes as Bubba covers Booker, and lands on the poor slob's head with a kneedrop from the top rope. Bubba in trouble, and RVD hits the slingshot bodysplash to his prone form. The referee counts one as Bubba grabs the ropes. The ref breaks it up, and RVD hops upright so he can post a few kicks on the head of Bubba. Bubba's gotten to a kneeling position, and RVD hits him with a seated dropkick. Bubba goes down, and RVD covers him for a two-count. Bubba trying to dig deep and get a tag, but RVD cuts him off with a wristlock, then tags Booker back in. Booker gets in a kick to Bubba's underarm, then tries for a suplex. Bubba blocks, and reverses with his own suplex. Both men are down, so the referee starts the ten-count. He gets to two, as Booker stops Bubba from tagging with a kick to the jaw. Bubba falls into the ropes, and Booker tries for an Irish Whip, but it's countered. Booker comes off the nearside and Bubba kinda falls into him headfirst - catching him in the belly with the old-school battering ram. Ross calls it a Spear. Bubba and Booker are on the mat in a tangle, and Bubba slowly crawls to his corner for the hot tag to DVon. DVon hits the ring running and levels Booker with a CRISP Flying Reverse Elbow, then he knocks RVD off the apron with a running forearm. Booker shakily gets to his feet, and is quickly dumped in a pretty ugly looking neckbreaker. It gets two. Booker tries to tag, but RVD's still on the arena floor. DVon whips Booker chest-first into the cornerbuckles, and then flattens him with a leaping bodyblock right outta football. DVon hooks the leg and gets two, but RVD breaks it up.

Bubba enters the ring and knocks RVD back outside, then follows him out to the floor for some brawling. Meanwhile, DVon's punching on Booker's braids a bit before Booker goes to the arm-drag-and-twist and tops it with a kick to the belly. Booker goes to the ropes for the axe-kick to finish things, but Bubba enters the ring as he does, and they hit the 3D. DVon rolls over and covers Booker for two, but RVD just BARELY breaks it up with a baseball slide. Bubba gets back in and tries to punch RVD, who ducks and fires back with a spinning heel kick. Bubba goes sailing. DVon tries to kick RVD in the belly, but RVD catches the leg and then lays DVon on the mat with that stepover back-heel kick. RVD then runs to his own corner so that he can tag the crawling mess that is Booker T. RVD runs across the ring to pin DVon, but only gets two. RVD pulls DVon up and tries to whip him to the corner, but DVon reverses. Van Dam hits the corner and DVon comes stumbling in to capitalize, buy gets a back-elbow for his troubles. DVon backs up a step as RVD tries to leap to the top. DVon stops it with a clubbing shot to the small of his back, then hits that UGLY dragging top-rope Neckbreaker. RVD flailing about like a fish in the boat and he rolls out to the floor as Bubba finally gets to his feet from where he was laying in the other corner.

Most refs would have disqualified the Dudleyz for not leaving the ring inside of a five-count, but hey...


We're back, with DVon working the old head-wrench in the middle of the ring on RVD. RVD manages to get up and elbow free. RVD comes off the ropes with a Spinwheel Kick to lay DVon down. Booker's down on the outside, so RVD's crawling to no help as DVon crawls to Dudleyville and tags in Bubba. Bubba nonchalantly walks over to stand astride the battered RVD, and he proceeds to slap the guy a bit while he's down. He then hauls RVD's head up from the crawl so he can see Booker trying to shake the cobwebs out on the arena floor, and then pounds Robbie one across the forehead. Robbie flattens out, so Bubba leans out between the second and bottom ropes to swat Booker in the back of the head to send him sprawling as well. Bubba turns to continue the pummelling on RVD, but RVD has other plans and begins punching on Bubba's ample midsection. That backs Bubba up a bit so RVD can get to his feet. They trade another few shots, then Bubba goes for an Irish Whip. RVD tries to do the Rollover the Back Body Drop spot, but Bubba doesn't do that. He catches RVD in mid-somersault and brings him CRASHING to the mat in a Cradled Brainbuster. Ye Gods, that looked fucking UGLY. Bubba hooks the leg and gets two. Bubba gets a bit cranky and starts laying in some crossface forearm shots on the totally out of it RVD, then clamps on a nervelock. RVD suffers a bit, then Bubba hits a big ol' Tomahawk Chop to the shoulder of the seated RVD. Tag to DVon.

DVon with some taunting before he stomps on RVD's back. RVD falls into the ropes, and DVon snapmares him back into the middle of the ring for a kneeling chinlock. Booker tries to get the crowd behind RVD, and it seems to be working as they chant 'RVD'. Robbie trying to get to his feet, but DVon puts a stop to it with an Elbow Smash to the side of his head. RVD crumples to the mat and DVon covers. It gets two before Booker manages to break it up. Booker falls back into his own corner as DVon prevents Rob from making the tag by holding onto his ponytail. The ref puts Booker back on the apron as DVon does a one-man high five to bring Bubba in. RVD gets to his feet somehow and Bubba sends him back to the mat with a headbutt. The ref intervenes and tells Bubba he didn't see the tag, so he should get back on the apron already. DVon comes back in to stop RVD for making the tag, and he bounces RVD off the buckles before commencing a flurry of punches that slowly collapse Van Dam into a seated position in said corner. DVon demands RVD get up, and then kicks him a bit when he doesn't. DVon has the ponytail, and he drags RVD back to Dudleyville to tag in Bubba.

Bubba with a clubbing shot to the side of Rob's head sends him to the mat. RVD rolling around on the mat a bit before Bubba picks him back up for a Hangman's Neckbreaker. RVD falls with his leg on the bottom rope, but Bubba covers him anyway. The ref informs Bubba that there will be no count as Booker enters the ring and pulls Bubba off his partner. Bubba glares at Booker and the referee has T return to the apron as Bubba grabs the ponytail to prevent the hot tag and then sits on RVD with a Camel Clutch, with the occasional fish-hooking of the mouth for extra heel points. RVD manages to get enough together to elbow free of this predicament and he goes to the ropes for momentum - and is clotheslined to the mat by Bubba. RVD trying to make his way to his own corner as Bubba stomps on him a bit more. He then lets RVD crawl to Booker while slowly following and taunting him. RVD reaches out to tag, but Bubba drags him back by his foot. Rob with the desperation enzuigiri attempt, but Bubba ducks it. Rob immediately fires off the boomerang leaping back thrust kick and Bubba hits the mat like he's been shot. RVD crawling to his corner and manages to leap forward to get the hot tag to Booker.

Booker hits the ring like a man possessed and trims Bubba's crewcut a little with some punches. Booker with an Irish Whip attempt that Bubba reverses, so Booker comes off the ropes with a high clubbing forearm that knocks Bubba down. Both men scramble to their feet, but Bubba is knocked down again with a short-arm lariat from Booker. DVon with the run-in, but he just gets back body dropped, then Superkicked. Bubba uses the time his brother bought him to get back up, and he nails Booker with an overhand right. Bubba with an Irish Whip attempt, but Booker puts on the brakes and catches Bubba upside the head with that back hook-kick. Bubba is out on his feet, but DVon has recovered and charges in on Booker, but just gets Spinebustered. Bubba collapses like a felled tree, and Booker uses the time he's got with both Dudleyz down to do a Spinneroonie. Yeah, good idea... DUMBASS.

Bubba gets up in the confusion and tries a punch, but Booker ducks it and flattens B.Dud with the Harlem Side Kick. It gets two. Booker hauls Bubba up to a kneeling position and toe-kicks him in the sternum. Booker goes to the ropes as Bubba continues trying to get to his feet, but all for naught as he's sent right back down with the Scissors Kick. RVD makes his way to the top turnbuckle, and Bubba eats the Five-Star Frogsplash. RVD rolls outside in a whole new world of pain, and Booker makes the cover. One... Two... DVon breaks it up. RVD gets back into the ring and charges DVon, quickly leaping up onto his shoulders, possibly for a Frankensteiner... Nope, he hits a Mysterio Roll and dumps himself and DVon to the floor. Booker and Bubba get to their feet and start trading punches. Booker from a standing position, and Bubba from one knee doesn't make for a good matchup, and Bubba realizes this as Booker begins to kick his skull in. Booker hauls him up and tries for an Irish Whip, but Bubba counters with a go-behind to a Full Nelson. Bubba Bomb attempt, but Booker blocks with a hook of the leg and then elbows free. Bubba with a punch to the bread basker of Booker to slow him down, and he Irish Whips Booker to the ropes for a clothesline. Booker ducks and counters with the Bookend. One... Two... Three. RVD and Booker T retain in probably the best match I've seen in months that involved either of these four. Bravo, fellas. Bravo.

The go from there to a blowjob piece about Wrestlemania. 'Twenty years ago, one man had a vision...' Geeze, this makes me sick. They give us some clips from the WMXX to possibly get some Replay Buys, but it's not gonna happen. Undertaker comes out looking more like Black Bart than the 'Dead Man' in the clips, but hey... I don't fucking like him anyway.


Spike Dudley comes out after we show some folks from Australia that fucking pissed away a chunk of money to be there. He's almost immediately attacked by Christian on the way to the ring. Christian commences to stomping and thrashing little Spike, and then Trish Stratus nails him with the Chick Kick. Then Christian nails him on the outside with the Unprettier, and Trish counts a fall on the totally victimized Spike.

Christian tells Spike he was in the wrong place at the wrong time but the lady he's with has something she wants to get off her chest. Before anyone judges her, she'd like to remind us that Jericho bet a Canadian dollar he'd be able to sleep with her. 'What kind of cheap slut do you people think I am?' she asks.

I dunno, honey. How many kinds ARE there?

She then says it's too bad Jericho's night ended 'prematurely', but she'd like to say it's pretty ironic that Jericho used up all that time and energy trying to screw her, and wound up being screwed while she went on to screw someone else. It's interesting to note that Spike bleeped/silenced the word 'screw'... Well, not REALLY, but hey. Christian then goes to Cheap Heat 101 and insults the town, and then says Jericho should learn from what happened. Trish didn't want something like Jericho, a little puppy following her around and giving her roses and shit. No. She wanted a MAN, such as himself. Then they kiss pretty deep there, and strut off all pleased with themselves.

La Resistance agonizes backstage about the possibility of being split up in the Lottery next week, and Renee is pissed off about Stone Cold pissing on his head, his culture, and et cetera, so he's going to the ring to show Stone Cold what France is all about...


Dupree comes down the ramp to the ring holding the French flag high and proudly. He rolls into the ring and waves that flag just like the Iron Shiek used to wave Iran's back in the day (and they say kids can't learn from the old guys...) before getting a mic. He explains that Austin - as well as all these American rejects - are under the mistaken impression that the French are a bunch of cowards and sissies. The crowd cheers in lusty agreement to that sentiment. He then says that as he raises that French flag, he proves that he's the exact opposite of these preconceptions. 'So we didn't want to fight in your little war? Big Deal. No one from France would be so stupid as to go to the battlefield and get shot for you American pieces of CRAP.' Then he starts taunting Austin in French, and from the body language it seems he wants Steve to come on out.

So he does, the glass breaks and the four wheeler comes riding up. Austin steps into the ring, and then promptly beats Dupree within an inch of his life. The kid gets in ZERO offense to a guy twice his age with one-tenth his working parts before he's finally Stunnered. Austin celebrates with beer to eat some time up.


Main Event time, but with a tape delay I have no idea how much time is left. Michaels gets his intro and pyro. Benoit gets his intro. They eye each other up in the ring a bit before Evolution makes their way to the ring, accompanied by HHH. Michaels and Batista to start it off, and they go to a collar and elbow. Dave shoves Michaels down. Michaels back up and locks together again, but gets shoved down again. HBK back up in a wink and he charges in, but gets clotheslined to the mat. Dave carries HBK to the corner, then lays in a series of shoulderblocks to Michaels' midsection. Dave whips HBK into the opposite corner, then runs in and clotheslines him silly. HBK crumples to the mat as Dave backs to his corner - then marches back to HBK and hauls him to a vertical base before slapping him into a front chancery to hold him steady long enough for Flair to get in. Dave tags Flair, who lays in a punch or two to his ribs while Dave's holding him. The ref has Dave leave, and Flair with the Choppy-Woo, Choppy-Woo in the meanwhile. Flair shoves Michaels to the ropes, and Michaels lays Flair down with a shoulderblock. Flair scrambles back upright, and Michaels pegs him with an uppercut. Flair backs up from the shot so the referee can warn Michaels that it's not a boxing match, and Flair rushes in to make with the collar and elbow tie-up with Michaels. Flair bulls Michaels to the neutral corner, then lays in a shoulderblock to the belly followed by more Choppy-Woo. Michaels flips the script and puts Flair in there for his OWN little Choppy-Woo. Michaels whips Flair to the farside corner, and Flair stumbles forward from that impact so HBK can Back Body Drop him. Michaels makes a full arm drag and twist on the Nay Cha Bwa to hold him there as he tags in Benoit. Benoit toekicks Flair in the underarm, and then goes for his own arm-drag and twist - but Flair breaks it up with the thumb to the eye. Flair pushes Benoit to the corner for some old-school hair-pulling and gouging followed by the Choppy-Woo. Benoit likewise flips the script and puts Flair in the same corner for a retaliatory Choppy-Woo. Flair walks out of the corner to the center of the ring and does the Flair Flop. Nature Boy quickly goes to his knees to beg off, but Benoit's not impressed and kicks him in the chest. Benoit then brings Flair up for a Snap Suplex. Flair resumes begging. Benoit goes to kick him again, but Flair catches his leg (I love it when they do that) and then Choppy-Woo's a hopping Benoit to the mat. Flair struts a little before clamping Benoit in a headlock and marching over to Evolution's corner to tag in Orton.

Orton starts off with a barrage of forearms to the back of Benoit, then goes for the Irish Whip. Benoit reverses and just LEVELS Randy with a stiff forearm shiver to the side of the head. Orton's trying to shake out the cobwebs, as is Benoit who's dropped to one knee to gather himself. Benoit recovers first and drags Orton to his corner to tag in Michaels. Michaels with a left cross to Orton's dome as Benoit holds him up, then the ref has Benoit go to the apron. Michaels with an Irish Whip tries for a back body drop, but Orton floats over and dishes up that Hangman's Backbreaker real nice. Orton with the cover, but only gets two. Orton protests to the referee as Michaels gets his bearings, and we'll cut to a picture in picture deal with Foley pulling into the parking lot with a look on his face that I haven't seen since he teamed with Abdullah. In short, he's fixin' to murder him some folks. Orton sees the inpending doom on the Titantron and is flabbergasted to buy Michaels some more time to rest, I guess. Foley's making the long march, and Evolution looks strangely concerned considering they just finished whipping his and Rock's ass last night. Oh well. Michaels gets up and shoves Orton from behind, which brings us to the old Ref Bump = Coma spot. To his credit, he sold the shit of it with some nice work worthy of the uneven bars at the Olympics using the middle and bottom rope before falling out to the floor. Michaels gets in some punches on Orton, who has gone into something like the fetal position. Flair jumps in and pulls HBK off Orton, whilst Batista and Benoit clash in the middle of the ring. Dave and Benoit go toe-to-toe with a fusillade of rights and lefts between them, while Flair positions HBK in the heel corner and begins a spirited flurry into Muchaels' midsection. Orton manages to get to his feet and quickly clobbers Benoit from behind, which brings us to a two on one stomp session, while Flair snapmares HBK to the mat before putting the boots to him. Flair continues the Bristol Stomp while Dave hauls Benoit to a vertical base, then tosses him through the ropes to the floor. Orton's got nobody to beat on now, since Dave goes outside to continue the pummeling of the Champ.

Foley comes running out while Orton stands there all simple. Flair is busily choking and gouging the shit out of HBK on the mat, in case you cared. Foley hits the ring just as Orton turns around, and he commences to tee-off on the Legend Killer like, well, like the shithead just talked about his kids. Orton's quickly hockeypucked to the outside while Flair stomps on HBK. Orton tries to scurry away, but Foley's on him like stink on shit and sorta bounces the kid off the steps (the kid handplanted WAY to early to make the spot look good - God, I love live TV). Orton makes like he hit his head, though even the cheap seats could see he was nowhere near it. Foley grabs the kid by the mush and tosses him over the barrier to beat his ass all the way out of the building. Triple H has begun to assist Batista with Benoit on the outside while Flair makes with the Irish Whip on HBK. Michaels nails the old Flying Burrito on Flair, then leaps to his feet none the worse for all the damage Flair's been steadily piling upon him the whole time. Flair gets to his feet, and Michaels sets him back on the mat with a Scoop Slam, then goes to the top for the Elbow Drop. Nails it.

Since there's nobody to count a pinfall, Michaels doesn't bother to cover, and instead slowly 'strikes up the band'. Triple H rushes to the ring, and his injured shoulder seems miraculously healed as he doles out a Pedigree to the HBK, but apparently 'reinjures' it after doing so. Sigh. HHH tries to get Flair back into it by slapping the mat with his 'good' arm, but the ref is still in a coma on the floor. Triple H realizes the flaw in his scheme as Flair tries to roll over onto Michaels, and so Levesque goes to revive the fallen striper. The crowd reminds him that he tapped out while he tries to slap the ref conscious. It's to no avail, so they send Hebner out to be the replacement zebra. He rushes into the ring as Flair lays onto Michaels in the lateral press and counts off two before Michaels gets a shoulder up.

Flair has a conniption as only he can, while HHH is pretty darn upset on the outside. Flair slowly getting to his feet, and pulling Michaels up along with him. Choppy-Woo sends HBK back to the mat, then Flair climbs to the top so Michaels can leap up and throw him across the ring. Ross feels 'Flair needs to take that page out of the book', which I think is the second time he's broken kayfabe about Official Flair Spot #4. Batista's up on the apron now, so Flair starts crawling over. Benoit's back on his side of the ring two, though they didn't show you any of what happened out there. Flair tags in Batista.

Batista with a measured stomp onto the head of Michaels, then an overhand right, then an Irish Whip. Batista tries the clothesline, but Michaels ducks and comes off the nearside - possibly for a crossbody, but Batista dumps him ugly in a one-handed Powerslam. Nice spot, there, Dave. Dave makes the cover, but Benoit breaks it up, sort of. Looked more like he tripped on Michaels, but the ref stops the count and has Benoit return to the apron anyway. Dave hauls HBK up and bonks him with a kneelift to the head, then Irish Whips him and hits that Spinebuster Whip. It gets two. Dave works a reverse chinlock to give everyone some rest time. Benoit pounds the buckle in his corner to get the crowd involved. Michaels feeds off the claps like Hogan used to do and gets to his feet to lay some punches in on Dave's abs to get loose. HBK with a chop, then goes to the ropes for momentum - and eats a back elbow from Dave Batista... Dave covers, but Michaels kicks out at two once more. Dave clamps HBK in a front chancery and then tags in Flair. Flair with a punch to HBK's ribs while still in Batista's clutches, then Batista goes to the apron. Michaels collapses.

Flair walks over and gives the fallen HBK a boot-rake, then picks him up for a snapmare. Flair with a standing kneedrop, then he sits Michaels up and starts pounding on him. Michaels is bloody. The ref scolds Flair for using the closed fist, holding HBK by the hair, and generally being Flair. HBK gets to his feet, so Flair bites him on the forehead. Michaels falls acroos the middle rope with HHH standing there, so Flair goes and makes a commotion with the ref so HHH can paste his ex-boss with a leaping right cross. Flair tags Batista back in as Michaels looks pretty darn ruined.

Dave bounces Michaels' face off the top turnbuckle in the neutral corner four good times, and Michaels' is a bloody mess. His whole face is red at this point, and he sure ain't blushing. He collapses onto the mat with his arm outstretched to the other neutral corner as Dave looms over him menacingly. Then Dave tags Flair back in. Flair goes for a backdrop suplex, but Michaels somersaults free and schoolboys Ric to the mat. It gets two. Both men up quickly, but Michaels lays Flair back down with a clothesline. They're both laying there while the ref starts to count. He gets to two before Michaels starts to get up. Three has Flair up. Four has Flair tagging Batista. Five has Michaels tagging Benoit. Dave goes for a right, but Benoit ducks it and kicks him in the belly a couple times. Benoit with an Irish Whip sends Dave to the nearside, and then Benoit flattens him some Batista with a double throat chop. He turns around and catches Flair coming in with a double axehandle. Flair goes down as Batista gets up. Dave with another haymaker attempt, but Benoit ducks and goes to a waistlock. German Suplex on Batista. Benoit goes for two, and gets it. Dave tries to elbow free, but Benoit brings him back up for the third one. Slow throat-cut from the Crippler, and he goes to the top. Flying Headbutt hits Dave in the collarbone. Benoit with the lateral press, but Dave tosses him off Ultimate Warrior style at two. Flair's back in, so Benoit starts punching on him. Flair backs into the heel corner as Benoit continues to explain why Ric really should have waited for a tag - in Morse Code. Flair grabs the ref and ties him up so HHH can have another miracle recovery. Hunter begins to lace Benoit up for a Pedigree, but Michaels hits the Superkick for the save. HHH rolls out of the ring, Batista's sitting in the far neutral corner, and Flair's laying on the apron. Benoit's getting to his feet as Michaels collapses again. Dave makes an attempt for the seated powerbomb, but Benoit counters with a double-leg pickup. Dave hits the mat and Benoit goes for a Sharpshooter. Michaels Superkicks Flair to prevent him from saving Dave as Benoit turns him over. Dave tries to crawl to the ropes, but wastes a few seconds apparently deciding which ropes he should crawl to. It costs him, and he taps. Benoit and HBK win it, and Hebner raises their hands to close the show.

Holy shit, no wonder I don't do this shit play-by-play... This is fucking LONG. Jesus CHRIST.

This Week: 3/22/04

I don't really expect much action this time out, since they're probably gonna use much of the show with the whole Lottery deal and have all sorts of segments with the talent trying to figure out their place in the... The... Ah, fuck it, I'll say it. The New World Order that is to come. Knowing my luck so far this year, Raw's probably gonna draw Undertaker the first ball. If they do do that, though, I fucking quit. Dave, I can probably handle Undertaker on Raw - but if they pick his sorry ass first I'm hanging it up. Sweartagod.

Changing subjects... Now.

I'll say this, whomever at SpikeTV decided to replace Star Trek with some hotrod shows leading in Raw just made my fucking Christmas List. Not that I like hotrod shows, I just hate Star Trek's Next Generation. A lot.

Tonight's Raw will be coming from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit Michigan. Ten minutes to go, and they allude that they'll get the Lottery out of the way at the top of the show - probably so the fans in Detroit don't demand a refund.

Standard Raw Intro, with Eric's picture getting booed. We cut to the lockers and everyone on Raw is wearing a Red Shirt, while everyone from SD is in blue. Cut to Heyman and Bischoff staring at each other, and VKM cuts between them to explain the whole Lottery, and that there'll be 12 picks apiece from Heyman and Bischoff, who will pick from each other's roster. If at the end they're not happy with their picks, they'll be allowed the opportunity to trade with each other, so long as these deals are completed by midnight.

Bischoff asks if perhaps the Raw champs will be exempt, but Vince says 'Nobody's exempt'. He even notes that Orton is also under the gun - even though he's not there tonight due to a tonsillectomy.

We go to King and Lawler, and they explain the impending changes once more. Then they cut to Tazz and Cole at ringside, who speculate on which Raw guys would be at SD this Thursday.

Then Bischoff and Paul E. come out, and Paul explains his injury at the hands of the Undertaker, and that he'll be getting even in his own special way... Sigh. Insert fag joke (Here).

Paul's first pick is... Renee Dupree, which breaks up La Resistance a whole week after they got reformed. C'est la vie. Dupree comes out and gets his picture taken with Paul, then goes to the ring to share his thoughts on the new trade. He'll be damned if the last memories of himself in a Raw ring will be him getting a Stunner from Austin, so he wants a match with any of the Raw guys in the back.

Jericho takes the challenge. Hopefully, Dupree won't job QUITE as much on Smackdown, but who am I kidding? Dupree bails as Y2J hits the ring, but soon returns. They lock up a couple times with the collar and elbow before Dupree slaps Jericho. Jericho beats on Dupree a bit with clotheslines and punches, then tries to get the Walls. Renee crawls to the ropes to force the break and then bails to the apron to get his bearings. Jericho with a Slingshot Missile Dropkick sends him to the floor. Dupree gets back in as Jericho tries another highspot, and Dupree dropkicks him out of the air. It gets two. Dupree dances a bit. Jericho rolls him up for two. Dupree Irish Whips Jericho to the ropes, but Jericho hangs on and kicks the shit out of Dupree with an enzuigiri after he punches the air. There were a few other spots in there, but not much of a sendoff. Jericho pins Dupree for the win, and Dupree throws a fit about being cheated and not getting any respect as the French Phenom.

Stone Cold rides out and promptly Stunners him, then has some beer. God, I pray Austin gets traded. I'll even accept the Undertaker if that happens.


Rico's in the ring for some reason. Probably a squash to send someone off to Smackdown a winner.

Eric's first pick is... Shelton Benjamin. I'm sure Teddy Long's happy now with a suddenly unaffiliated black guy on the show who can actually wrestle.

Kane comes out to stomp on Rico, but Rico starts it off with a desperate flurry of kicks. It looks nice, but Kane flattens him with a Big Boot and then a Chokeslam to take it home in just under thirty seconds. Kane tells both of the GM's that he'd better not be on the same show as the Undertaker.

Paul's next pick is... Mark Jindrak. Nobody really cares, but it'll be nice to see him and O'Haire reunited - assuming Sean O'Haire is still with the company. I haven't seen Smackdown in months...

Commercials. Jericho is singing for the YJStinger now, with a modded version of his 'Wish You Were Me' track. It sucks. Sorry, Chris, but someone had to tell you - and it was ME.

Eric's next pick is... Nidia.




She comes out from the back and gets congratulated by Bischoff, and then presented with a red shirt. Nidia's happy, since she'll be able to compete for the women's title, and takes off the blue shirt to show us her yellow bra. Paul tells her he hopes she goes blind again.

Paul's next pick is... Interrupted by John Cena. The Detroit crowd pops the hell out of the place. Cena raps a bit about the sexual proclivities of the GMs, then tells them to choke on his nuts. He decides to pick on behalf of Paul. Paul tries to beg off, but Eric tells him he's stuck with it. Paul opens the ball and smilingly informs Eric's insisted he take for Smackdown - HHH.

Thanks God! I knew You were There! Good looking out! Helmsley does his last Raw spit-take in the locker-room as Bobo does the Happy-Happy Dance.


During the break, Eric throws a conniption, and the Raw crew gives The Game the Na-Na-Na. Na-Na-Na. HEY HEY HEY! Good-BYE. God, I wish I was taping this one...

Christian and Trish come out to the ring, and Christian will be facing... Spike Dudley. Sigh. Spike hits the ring and headbutts Christian to the mat, then sits him in the corner and dances on his chest. Spike takes his shirt off, and Trish hops up on the apron. Spike goes outside and chases her a bit, then goes back into the ring so Christian can Suplex Drop him belly-first across the top rope. Christian beats on Spike some, but Spike tries to fight free. Christian with a Scoop Slam attempt, but Spike reverses with a DDT. It gets two. Christian with a Vertical Suplex attempt, but Spike counters with a Sunset Flip for two. Christian pounds on Spike some and then sits him on the top for a Superplex attempt, but Spike hangs on to block. Spike bites on Christian's nose to stop him, then shoves him off the top. Spike with the Double Foot Stomp from the top buckle, but Christian bounces back up and lays Little Spike out with the Unprettier to end the match with another Dudley job...

Eric's next pick is... Not happening yet, because he's gonna protest Heyman's snagging of HHH to McMahon first.

Commercials. Four picks out of twenty-four, and the first hour's got ten minutes left... Sigh. A little planning, people. You had all fucking WEEK!

Bischoff is explaining his case to Vince, but VKM tells him there's nothing he can do about it. Paul offers a radical idea, to let Eddy Guerrero defend the WWe Title against HHH. Vince okays it. Sorry, Eddy. It was a nice couple days, huh?

Eric's next pick is gonna be... facing Benoit tonight for the title. And he'll be.... Rhyno.

Christ, Eric. Get someone else to pick. You're not doing so hot.

Rhyno comes out and tosses his blue shirt in Heyman's face before getting his red one from Eric. Oh, and Flair with Batista will be facing RVD and Booker T again for the tag-team titles. Remember when Raw had a couple different tag teams? Me neither.


Booker and RVD make their way to the ring with their spliced together dual intro. It sucks, by the way... Evolution comes out next to make another stab at the straps. They jaw at each other in the ring a bit, and Flair will start it off against Booker. They chase each other around a bit before Flair puts Booker in a headlock. Booker shoves Flair to the ropes and sends him to the mat with a shoulderblock. Booker dishes up some more beatdown on Flair, who tags in Batista. Booker tags in RVD, and Robbie kicks all up in Dave's grill with about twenty kickspots. Tag to Booker. Booker covers, and that'll get two. Tag to Flair, who starts chopping on Booker in a few of the corners. Booker switches out and lays in a series of rapidfire chops to get the Flair Flop, then bounces Flair off the opposite side for a Back Body Drop. Flair begs off long enough to thumb Booker in the eye, then sends Booker to the heel corner for a cheapshot from Dave. Booker collapses, and Flair gets in a Scoop Slam followed by a kneedrop to the head. Flair taunts RVD as Booker tries to get himself together, and Flair sets T in the corner for some Choppy-Woo. Booker fights his way out and Flair backs him up with a couple chops. Booker's staggered, so we go to Classic Flair Spot #4, the Top-Rope Failure. RVD somehow gets tagged in, and he hits the fallen Flair with the Frog-Splash. RVD goes for the lateral press, but Dave breaks it up at two. What next?


We're back, and Dave is laying a beating on Booker. Irish Whip to the corner. Dave runs in to capitalize, and eats a back elbow, followed by a Harlem Side-Kick. Booker tags in RVD, and he and Booker flatten Dave. The ref has Booker leave, and Flair chop-blocks RVD. Dave then tags him in, and Flair goes for the Figure-Four. It's locked in, somewhat. RVD trying to fight to the ropes, refusing to quit. He gets the bottom rope, and Flair breaks the hold at four. RVD gets shakily to his feet, but Flair kicks him in the knee and dishes up some Choppy-Woo. RVD with a desperation Enzuigiri wobbles Flair, and then RVD flattens him with the Stepover Heel-Kick. Tag to Booker, Tag to Dave. Booker beats on Dave like Batista stole his money, and then hits the Bookend. Booker with a Spinneroonie, but Flair breaks it up. Booker with a cover after flattening Dave with the Scissors Kick, but Flair breaks that up, too. RVD gets involved and comes off the top-rope - missile dropkicking Booker in the back of the head. Dave quickly shoves the stunned RVD out of the ring and Powerbombs Booker to win Evolution the Tag-Belts. Again. Sigh...


Paul's next pick is... RVD. Fuck. Is it worth losing Van Dam to lose HHH...?

Hell YES.

RVD is pretty sad about fucking up their tag defense, but Booker assures him they have a rematch clause. Coach pops up and tells them that the rematch clause is only if they're a team, which RVD being drafted to Smackdown renders moot. RVD and Booker look pretty bummed.

Benoit comes to the ring, and he'll be facing Rhyno for the belt... Rhyno looks ready to go, and the two of them circle each other before going to a collar and elbow. Rhyno shoves Benoit to the corner for some brawlies, but Benoit fights loose and doles out a Snap Suplex. They brawl some more, and Rhyno tries for a Powerbomb. Benoit sits on his shoulders and punches him in the skimmer, so Rhyno hits a fallaway to bounce Benoit's skull off the top buckle. Nice spot. Rhyno clamps Benoit into a Sharpshooter, and sets it in pretty deep. Benoit digs deep and pushes up to hand-walk to the ropes for the break. Both men get to their feet, and start brawling. Benoit gets the upper hand and tries his own Sharpshooter, but they stagger into the ropes, so the ref breaks the hold. Undaunted, Benoit dishes up the Triple German Suplex, and Rhyno's in trouble now. Benoit goes to the top rope and hits the Top-Rope Headbutt, which gets two. Benoit pulls Rhyno up and tries an Irish Whip, but Rhyno reverses and dumps Chris to the mat with a Spinebuster. Rhyno prepares for the GORE, but Benoit gives him the Ole' and Rhyno runs into the corner. He staggers out, and into the Crossface. Rhyno taps.

Eric's watching on the monitors in the back, and he's tapped on the shoulder by HBK. HBK smiles and says the thing between HHH and himself is far from over. Eric's then given two choices, trade him to Smackdown - or trade him to Smackdown. I like both choices, myself. However, Eric refuses to put HBK and Pat Patterson on the same show, and instead offers Michaels a shot at the title held by Benoit for the Raw PPV, Backlash. Michaels seems pleased, since him taking the belt will hurt HHH plenty. Stephie pushing HHH and HBK to the moon on either show will hurt us IWC folks plenty, I think...


Eric's next pick is... Tajiri. This pleases me, as I miss the Japanese Buzzsaw, but I can't help but feel that Heyman's still up on things.

Paul picks... Teddy Long. That's fucking sad, but I think balances the karma pretty good.

Eric picks... EDGE. Bobo's sad. Paul E's sad. Edge is sad, but he'll perk up when he realizes he won't be jobbing to HHH anymore.

Paul picks - as his FINAL PICK - Spike Dudley. Heyman is disappointed, but this has been rumored for a while to jumpstart the cruiserweight division a bit more.

Eric's final pick is... PAUL HEYMAN. I know I'm not a math genius, but that seems far less than 12 picks apiece... I'm not even sure it was twelve picks total. Quick count says it is, though, so I guess that's it... Raw is a better show for it. Far, far better, since I ducked the whole Undertaker bullet...

Paul E. promptly quits after Eric explains he's got some laundry that needs picking up... Eric walks to the ring and crows about his victory, and says Bischoff is back in a big way - and he'll be doing things his way...

Then Edge comes out. Hey, Bert. Detroit seems happy to see him, and he enters the ring. Then he Spears the shit out of Bischoff. This makes Detroit EXTRA happy, but it looks like Bischoff didn't fall into that spot so well - crumpling into the corner from the impact.


Replay of Edge Spearing Bischoff, then we go to Paul storming to his Limo and he hits the bricks.

Triple H comes out in a red Raw shirt, which he tears off to reveal a blue Smackdown shirt.

Eddy Guerrero comes out in a red lowrider with SUPER hydraulics... Then he hits the ramp and marches to the ring to give up his belt. Cole mentions that HHH is not sporting the sling anymore, which makes me smile. Eddy offers a handshake to HHH, and Hunter tries to take it, but Eddy flips him off. They go to a collar and elbow, with HHH getting the advantage and shoving Eddy to the corner. Eddy slaps him, and HHH retaliates with a shoulderblock. HHH goes to the ropes, and is tossed over in a hipblock take-over, followed by an armdrag. Eddy's working the 'injured' arm some, and HHH bails outside. Eddy follows him, and HHH bounces him off the steel steps. Eddy bounces the Game off the ringpost. Both men return to the ring, and HHH hits Eddy in the mouth with that jumping kneelift.

Commercials. (10:56)

We're back (10:59) in time to see Eddy being thrown out of the ring. HHH follows him out and FIRES him into the steel steps. HHH using the time to rest, and then he goes to Eddy (still on the floor) and shoves him back first against the ring, then against the announce table. Then he rolls Eddy back into the ring and Whips Eddy to the corner hard. Eddy collapses, and HHH picks him up to repeat the spot in another corner. HHH covers, and gets a twocount. He then pulls Eddy up, but Guererro fights free and runs to the nearside for momentum, but gets a Back Body Drop for his troubles. HHH with a Backbreaker, followed by an Abdominal Stretch. Eddy refuses to submit, and HHH uses the ropes for extra leverage. The referee catches him eventually, and forces HHH to release the hold. Eddy is trying to get up, so HHH pulls him to his feet and gives him an Irish Whip. HHH tries something, but is taken over with a flying Anklescissors, followed by a crisp dropkick. HHH gets up, and they brawl some. Eddy's getting the upper hand, and HHH tries to go to the PushKiller (sleeper), but Eddy counters with a Backdrop Suplex. Eddy goes to the top and levels HHH with a flying shoulderblock or something, but it only gets two. Eddy goes to the ropes again, and HHH hits him with the Facebuster. HHH tries to capitalize with a jump from the second rope, but lands in a Manhattan Drop. HHH tries the Pedigree, but eats the Triple Vertical Suplex. Evolution comes out to make the save, and then Cena and Mysterio come out to make their own save. HBK inserts himself, and Superkicks HHH flat before he can hit Eddy with the belt. Eddy goes to the top, but Christian hits him. HHH is DQ'ed. The entire Raw roster charges out to the action, and then the entire Smackdown roster comes out to start the riot off proper. It's pretty even out there, and the Austin comes out with some extra Raw dudes, and all hell breaks loose to close the show...

Y'know, if they did the fucking Invasion like this, Vince'd probably still be a Billionaire. Oh well, live and learn. A pretty haphazard show overall, but that giant mob brawl was cool.

Hopefully, you've made it through all this text somehow... If you did, let me just say:

You're welcome. See you SOON.