Hello, my intended...
That's right! It's your old buddy Bobo again with the usual little Recap thing he does almost every Monday Night, Pinky.
First, a quick bit of business... In <a href="http://www.theringpost.com/cgi-bin/viewcol.cgi?category=3&id=1078190417">DK's Transmission #69</a>, he poses a question on which wrestler officially 'started' the whole 'sex in wrestling' deal. The answer most would give you would be Gorgeous George Wagner, though his 'dandy ways' were hardly what I could call 'sex in wrestling'. After poring over the various texts and almanacs, I can say with more than a little conviction that the 'sexy guy' angle in wrestling was begun by 'Nature Boy' Buddy Rogers. George started around 1930, admittedly, but he was hardly presenting himself as a sex-symbol to get over as a heel or otherwise. That, by my research, wasn't done on a national scale (if at all) until Rogers 'became' the Nature Boy, around 1941 (he had been wrestling two years before under the name 'Dutch' Rogers as well as his given name, Herman Rohde). You'll possibly find it interesting to further note that one of the Original Nature Boy's entourage during his career was a young girl named Lillian Anderson (aka Slave Girl Moolah).
Another thought under the 'sex-appeal' side of things would be the best/first notable female wrestler, being (arguably) Mildred Burke. Beginning her career in carnivals around 1934, she offered $25 to anyone her own weight who could pin her in ten minutes. She never lost. There were others before Mrs. Burke in the female wrestling pantheon, going all the way back to 1875 or so wherein Helen Hildreth was one of the first strong ladies that regularly wrestled men; leading up to Josie Wahlford in the mid 1890's (considered by myself the first 'official' women's wrestling champion). But Burke is considered the first 'World' Women's Champion, so it's apples and oranges...
In other interesting trivia, I feel the first 'gimmick' type wrestler was pretty cut and dried. Beforehand, the only real distinction between wrestlers was where they hailed, but it wasn't until the 'Russian Lion' George Hackenschmidt really 'made' the strongman archetype by performing feats of strength prior to his matches; thus proving that giving the wrestlers a bit of 'personality' helped them be more popular. Hackenschmidt began his ring career give or take in the 1890s, and he became the first undisputed WORLD heavyweight wrestling champion in 1905.
The first 'screwjob' on record (as well as the first really 'worked match') was in 1908, wherein Frank Gotch allegedly agreed to allow Hackenschmidt to win the first of their 2 out of 3 fall match so he could 'remain strong in defeat', and then double-crossed in the actual match. He allegedly repeated his duplicitous ways when he reportedly paid off Ad Santel - a notorious hooker of the time (as in wrestled to injure folks, okay?) - to make sure Hackenschmidt wasn't at 100% for their rematch. Santel grievously damaged Hackenschmidt's knee during 'training' and this allowed Gotch to retain. Hackenschmidt retired soon afterward.
Second... Since when did I get elected Wrestling Historian? Geeze, like I don't already have enough work to do...?
Standard Raw Intro, followed by Bischoff's picture which again doesn't get booed... We cut immediately to the ring which has a casket in the center of it. It's being bathed in blue light as the Druid Choral Chants ominously. It's also got some dirt and earthworms on it, and we go to the back where Kane is viewing this fiasco on the monitor a moment before stomping off - presumably to the ring. Yep. Here he comes, cue the pyro...
Ross says they've never started a show like this before, but I disagree. They've opened the show with shitty non-wrestling segments PLENTY of times. Kane seems 'freaked out' as Ross says the scene is 'surreal'. Kane circles the coffin a bit before just shoving it over to reveal an URN inside. Kane seems unhappy and he proceeds to tear the casket up to the deafening silence of the crowd. The crowd catches on that it's a shitty segment, and the booing commences as Kane gets a mic and demands to know why the fuck the Undertaker sent him a fucking URN in an otherwise fucking empty casket. Kane rambles on a bit as the crowd mutters bitterly about all the money they collectively wasted to see THIS shit. Kane keeps the segment going talking that same boring shit he's been running, and tops it off by saying 'It's back to the grave for you.' and 'He's not afraid of you', Undertaker. You and everybody, Glenn. Then the ring turns into that bed scene from the Exorcist, and rocks back and forth with Kane in it a bit before it rains some - and we see 'This Sunday - It All Begins Again - Rest In PEACE' on the Titantron. Kane seems kinda antsy, probably because he thought the days of Calloway stealing the spotlight from him were over. Sorry, brother.
Commercials, including one for Rock's new movie 'Walking Tall'. It looks pretty damn stupid from this promo... Oh, and we shill the action figures again, plus the new ring playset that 'really bounces'. No, I'm not fucking kidding.
Oh shit, no... Tonight the Rock will present 'This is Your Life' for Mick Foley.
Next out, an 8 man match with La Resistance and Cade/Jindrak already in the ring. Their opponents will be RVD/Booker and... The Dudley Boyz. Fuck, I had hoped they were fired or something... Sigh. Oh, the Dudz beat Venis and Storm on Heat to get a shot at the titles in the big four team battle at WM20. They even show a clip.
Conway and Bubba start it off with some brawling. Tag to Dupree. Bubba with a neckbreaker on him and then tags in RVD. RVD with Rolling Thunder and then some kicks backs Renee into the corner for some shouldblocking. Renee ducks aside after a few and RVD bounces on the post. Tag to Cade, who capitalizes by working some armwringer and armdrag spots. Tag to Jindrak, who continues working the arm of RVD to ground him. RVD gets the crowd behind him and fights free long enough to level Jindrak with a spinning heel kick. Tag to Booker, who lariats Jindrak. He catches Cade charging in and gives him the Back Body Drop. He turns and Bookends Cade, and bedlam erupts with all eight guys going at it. Eventually, Booker makes to try to finish off Cade, but is elbowed in the back of the skimmer by Conway from the apron and quickly pinned. What a waste of all that talent, huh?
Speaking of wasting talent, let's have a segment with Jericho talking on his cellphone to Trish. Christian slowly sneaks up behind him as Y2J haltingly works up to saying 'the three words' to Trish and cuts him off before he can do it with a liberal dose of ambush violence. Christian gets the phone and says he left Trish's boyfriend in a position pretty familiar to Trish already - Flat on his Back, and then shatters the cell on the concrete so the battered Jericho can't continue the conversation.
Y'know, I'm actually starting to like this little bastard again.... Good work, Christian.
During the commercials, it seems Christian hightailed it to a waiting car and skedaddled. As JR leads up to shilling Wrestlemania 20, a pizza guy walks up and delivers a Wrestlemania Pizza to Lawler. No, I'm not fucking kidding.
Some geek in the back interviews Booker to see if he thinks his recent jobbage could mean a strong possibility of he and RVD losing their titles. Booker snarls that they'll get things back together and retain against the odds. RVD does the thumb thing to close the segment.
Then we decide to review the This is Your Life Segment Foley did for Duane back in the day, because my life isn't QUITE <b>ANNOYING</b> enough.
Cut to Rock in the back reviewing the menagerie of guests he's lined up to piss away some of the show. Then to his consternation he comes across his nemesis - Hurricane. Still not fucking kidding. Hurricane talks some shit about how he beat Rock the last time they met. Rock says that Hurricane beat the Scorpion King - NOT the ROCK. Then Helms explains that they went to see Rock's new movie, and congratulates Rock on it. Rosey missed it, since he got lost getting Jujubees and saw 'Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen' instead - but heartily gives it two thumbs up. Hurricane sighs, and then explains that the new look the Rock is sporting reminds him of someone, and then points to Rock's flank.
Where Coach is standing... God bless you, Hurricane Helms. Coach smiles and notes Rock is ALMOST complete in his attempt at 'The Coach Look', and suggests they could be doubles. Rock calls Coach an asskisser and shoves him away, then wishes Rosey and Hurricane luck in their 2-on-3 match against Evolution.
Evolution comes to the ring (Flair, Orton, Batista) and awaits the evening's jobbers. They don't wait long. Batista makes with the intimidation stuff on Rosey, but Flair and Hurricane start it off. Choppy-Woo, Choppy-Woo. Helms with an Irish Whip to a headlock, but Flair counters with a Backdrop Suplex. Tag to Orton, who stomps on Helms a bit before tagging in Dave. Dave tosses Helms across the ring and then hits a Spinebuster. Dave then clobbers Rosey off the apron and finishes Hurricane off with a Sitdown Powerbomb for the pin in JUST under 90 seconds total. Rosey tries to come in and save Helms, and gets his own beatdown with a side of Spinebuster. Orton gets a mic and talks some shit about Foley and Rock and how they 'used to be' two of the biggest names in the business but 'now WE are'. Orton then tries a catchphrase: 'This is EVOLUTION. There's no stopping it.' God, Vince, buy some better writers or you'll NEVER sell any t-shirts for these mooks.
Replay of the pertinent bits of the HBK/Benoit teamup and subsequent implosion from last week, with HHH punking both of them.
Benoit's now coming to the ring to a moderate pop from the Bridgeport, CT crowd. His opponent will be Matt Hardy, who never irons his clothes and occasionally cheats on his diet. This should be a good match, which means either commercial breaks or it'll be over in under two minutes. Hardy starts off mouthing at Benoit and gets decked, then Side Suplexed, then Snap Suplexed. Hardy bails outside and Benoit follows him out - then back in so Hardy can turn the tide and kick Benoit on the mat. Hardy mounts some offense, but Benoit turns it around with the Triple German Suplex to a Waistlock Takedown and finishes the match in just over a whole minute with the Crossface. Benoit looks unsatisfied, and Ross decides to interview Chris Benoit in the ring, so we'll buy some time for him to walk to the sqaured circle with some...
Commercials. Cena has a new rap for the Y2Stinger. It's better than the last one, but not as good as the first two. Take it as you will. Oh, and DMX has another shitty movie coming up, this one called 'Never Die Alone'. I predict alot of business when it gets released in the Middle East.
Ross asks what is going through Benoit's head in relation to this Sunday's big match at WM20. Benoit talks of his 18 years working towards the day he'd get to square off against the two biggest names in the business, but he WILL be leaving that ring with the title. Cue Michaels to interrupt the segment... HBK lets Benoit know how much he respects all Benoit's accomplished, but fulfilling that life-long dream of his isn't gonna fucking happen because HBK wants to finish that 10-year grudge thing and the only way he can do that is by taking the belt. Funny, that didn't work the LAST time Hunter jobbed for you - why would it work now? Sigh. Pesky logic... Benoit responds that while they agree to disagree which of them will be leaving the ring with that title, they can BOTH agree that it's not to be HHH. HBK wishes him luck and offers his hand to shake. Benoit accepts it, pulling HBK nose to nose with him before pumping it once.
Cue Triple H to yammer about how nice it is that the two of them can agree and all, but he'd like to agree that the whole thing is a bunch of crap. He then snarls how they've made a pact to set the odds against him. But they forget that HE is the guy that ALWAYS overcomes the odds. That he will 'take the opportunity, however small it is, and twist it to his advantage'.
'Opportunity' is a damn funny name to give your cock, buddy.
HHH then says that he's got an edge this Sunday, and it's their egos that will force them to prevent either of them to be the champion. He then strides off leaving the two of them doing some impromptu soul-searching in the middle of the ring.
Mick Foley is grimly marching somewhere in the back, and he stumbles across Spike Dudley (who sports a totally gay new do). They chat a bit about the pending 'This is Your Life' bit, and then part ways.
Lita makes her way to the ring (NooooOO!!!) and she'll be facing... Molly. Christ, those hips ARE getting bigger by the week. Maybe she's pregnant? It WOULD explain the need for her to be 'in hiding' while the hair grows back, no?
Molly starts off choking Lita on the second rope with a leg on the head, then shoves Lita down and claws at her fave with a Camel Clutch. Molly with a Pendulum Backbreaker gets two. Molly with a chinlock on Lita, close to a choke there. Lita battles back up and goes to the ropes. Molly attempts a Sidewalk Slam, but gets Leg-Scissored to the mat. Molly tosses Lita to the corner, but Lita floats over her charging in and takes her down again. Molly eats the Twist of Fate, but kicks loose at two. Lita is rolled up and Molly gets the pinfall with a rope assist that the referee doesn't catch. Molly attempts to thrash on the suddenly helpless Lita, but Victoria breaks it up with the save - despite Lita not lifting a fucking finger to help her when it was HER getting massacred last week... Sigh. Molly stalks off shouting at Vic in the ring about how she'll be taking her title back and such...
Commercials. Hellboy, eh? I hope it'll be better than League of Extraordinary Gentlemen... Aim low, I always say...
Shilling of Wrestlemania, spotlight on the Brock/Goldberg thingie and how their bitter rivalry has 'developed' since Royal Rumble - including how Austin will be overshadowing both of them from the referee's position. It also seems Lesnar was the one that stole Austin's four-wheelie last week, since he drove it up on Smackdown.
Austin comes walking to the ring now, but it's much closer than usual since the venue is so much smaller than the arenas they've generally been in, so he's okay. Corner birdies from all four posts, then someone tosses him a microphone - and a beer. He tells the crowd to give him a Hell Yeah if they're ready for Wrestlemania. They do. Austin promises to call it down the middle as he sees it, and if either of them step wrong, he'll be serving up knuckle-sandwiches. He's also happy that Brock's got his Redneck Special and he will be traipsing to Smackdown over in Atlantic City to get it back - after a stop at the dice table and abusing the free drinks, of course. Austin runs down Smackdown's talent by saying there's isn't a man's ass on the show he can't kick if they try to stop him from taking back his four-wheeler. He then runs down the guys on Raw by saying there isn't an ass back there he can't kick while he's at it. He sorta smiles at burying everyone else in the company to put himself over, and drinks the beer some to celebrate before stomping off.
Commercials. Mafia looks like an interesting game, but I don't really know how thrilling car chases will be in Model A's... Not very, I'd wager.
Y2J's entrance sequence begins, and he makes his way to the ring with nary a limp to be seen. Two weeks ago they were sizing him up for a wheelchair, remember? Quick healer, or shitty continuity? YOU DECIDE.
His opponent...? Stevie Richards.
Jericho clotheslines Steve flat coming into the ring and bashes on him a bit. Irish Whip to the corner, and Stevie eats another clothesline. Whips Stevie to the opposite corner, but Stevie reverses and sends Y2J into the buckles. Stevie charges in and eats a boot. Y2J charges in, and gets kicked in the belly. Jericho lays Stevie on the ropes and gives him the old Bossman Saddlepack thing, followed by a Running Facebuster. Lionsault Attempt, but Stevie dodges. Jericho lands on his feet and attempts to put Stevie in the Walls. Stevie fighting desperately to save himself, and then Trish's music begins. Jericho stops in stunned surprise as Christian comes out all cocky. Stevie uses the opportunity to schoolboy Jericho for the win.
I'll be damned.
Jericho lays an EPIC beatdown on Stevie for his chicanery, bouncing him out on and about the arena floor and surrounding area (steel steps and barrier, to be precise) like a super-ball. If he's a face now, why the whole sore-loser thing? Pesky Logic. Nice to see Richards win one at long last, though.
Commercials. It's 10:34, so I'm bracing for the 'Life' segment right now...
Stacy and Jackie march into an office looking for Eric, and Jackie's shirt is all slashed up so you can see her tits. Bischoff's 'apprentice' - now calling himself 'Johnny Spade' shows up as they start dancing in anticipation of their big match. He practically sexually harrasses them calling himself a 'starmaker' as he does so, which I find hilarious because nobody remembers Hennegan from last fucking WEEK let alone Tough Enough 3. Starmaker, he says.... It is to laugh.
Bischoff shows up and they speak about "Johnny Spade's" job performance as apprentice under Bischoff, and Bischoff tells him he is pleased. God, does that sound dirty or what?
Cut to Cole and Tazz to shill the Smackdown side of Wrestlemania.
More shilling of Wrestlemania.
Cut to the Rock, smiling about the pending 'Life' Segment - probably because he's getting paid good money while we piss ours away.
COBRA-lalalalalala! Oops, sorry there, folks. Eighties flashback... If you SMELL-lalalalala!
FINALLY, the Rock has come BACK to Bridgeport. The crowd chants Rocky happily. Rock says that Evolution took away his friend Foley's ability to have fun and smile, but tonight he and the crowd will be giving Mick his smile back.
Foley makes his way to the ring now... Rock says that he knows Mick won't be truly happy until - in six days - they whoop up on Evolution's candy asses at Wrestlemania. But until then... THIS is your LIFE. Confetti comes snowing down on them.
Replay of an early home-movie of Foley jumping off a roof onto a mattress laid on crates. Rock's brought the owner of that house - Ms. Doris Snyder. She looks about 120 years old - and still better than Mae Young. Foley says it's nice because the old woman used to let the kids play in her yard, and then line up in the front and feed them cookies and pie. Rock flips out at how all the kids in the neighborhood ate her pie. Rock asks if she still serves up pie, and she says no - but she leaves her back door open for struedel. Sexual humor, folks. LAUGH, you BASTARDS! The granny even pushes up on Rock some, because old farts acting sex-crazed is comedy. (Since when?)
Rock goes to the next segment, mentioning how Foley hitchhiked for five hours to get to Madison Square Garden to see the Superfly leap off the cage on Don Muraco. Superfly comes out. Foley asks if Superfly would be in their corner at MSG this time, and Superfly agrees. The granny checks out some Superfly ass, and Foley tries to hook them up. Rock then sendss them to a Holiday Inn to make some interesting looking kids... LAUGH, it's COMEDY. We SWEAR!
They then have the first critic that ever reviewed Foley's book, and has the guy come out. Foley calls him on the carpet because Bob Thompson called Foley's book sophomoric and boring and generally panned it, wrestling, and wrestling fans. Rock explains that he knew it, and brought him out because he represents everyone that told Foley 'No'. No, he couldn't be a wrestler. No, he couldn't be an author. And NO, they can't beat Evolution 3 on 2. The guy says that if Rock showed this much passion, his new movie might not be a 'Walking Piece of Crap'... Rock tells him 'It doesn't MATTER' what Bob thinks, and lets Foley do the Socko/Mandible Claw to the little geek.
Dave runs out to clobber Rock over the ropes, and Evolution gang rushes Foley to the corner and stomp him into little pieces before going to the Triple Team Powerbomb, but Rock breaks it up and cleans house. Orton tries the RKO, but fails. Rock with a Rock Bottom attempt broken up by Batista, and then Rock eats a Sitdown Powerbomb. The Rock and Sock Connection is in a quivering heap of pain as Evolution marches off to close the show.
Well, folks, this is certainly some Wrestlemania History I'm gonna try to fucking forget. I don't like my chances, though. One more time, so you know what I'm saying...
SAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY!
You're welcome. See you SOON.