Hello, my intended...
Once again, it falls to me to step in front of the 'Bad TV' bullet for you lot the same way I do almost every Monday Night... If you'll remember the build-ups in play last week, Vince is going to drop a 'blockbuster announcement' before laying the ol' Smackdown on Uncle Eric. Heh. I knew he'd get around to avenging himself on his 'loss' when Bischoff called him out during the Monday Night Wars, and with it coinciding with the DVD being out (so it's fresh in everyone's minds again) we're looking for The Bisch to job harder than he did to Stone Cold that time - and the blockbuster announcement will probably rhyme with 'Sure Tired', if I know my VKM.
And I do.
See? I got an op-col! That means I know something - even if it's only how to stretch 'This Show Sucks' into 500 lines or so... But I digress. We all know that the 'guys on top' have egos that can be seen from space with the naked eye - and Vince of course considers himself a top guy, since he runs the place and will fire anyone that says different. Even if he has to hire them so he can... Everyone saw this coming pretty much the second after they finished their shocking hug of each other way back when Eazy-E first popped out of the curtain on Raw. There's even a precedent in place, if you'll remember Hogan having Bischoff bring the Ultimate Warrior in to WCW so he could 'get his win back'. There's also speculation on Jarrett hiring Laurer for NWA/TNA being a similar case.
The question is, why? Do these nimrods think that their 'personal' quibbles can be properly brought to satisfaction through booking? More importantly, do they think we fucking FORGOT who the fucking BOOKERS are? Do they think we're a bunch of total dipshits?
Yes. Yes they do.
And they're fucking RIGHT.
Don't get me wrong, kids. I've made peace with my being a total idiot a long while ago. Sure, I'm articulate and well-read and generally sensible and intuitive, but all that goes out the fucking window when it's 'Time Fer Da Rasslin Show' and I tune in. Okay, I try to make it sound like I 'have to' for the Recap thing, but that's just rationalization after the fact. I'd watch the shit even if I didn't have the Recap gig - since I was watching it back when Jonny was dealing with it. You know what I told myself? "It's so I know what he's talking about and makes it funnier."
I watch a total of four hours of TV a week - and half of it's wrestling. I'm addicted to shitty television. No matter how transparent and predictable and ludicrous it gets - I'll tune in. At least I'm making myself useful, eh?
Oh well, let's 'Escape the Rules', shall we?
Yes, it's still darn near their dumbest slogan EVER. Only the 'Our Season Never Ends' thing during the baseball strike was dumber, but they're not out of business yet... How many more years can they bleed money, right?
Keep rubbing that rabbit's foot, Ferris. You'll be right one of these days.
Tonight we're coming at you from Omaha, Nebraska. And apparently (according to the 'ten-minutes of Star Trek left to endure' blurb) there will be a Fatal-Four-Way Match for the Women's Title. Gee, I wonder who'll be in that match...? Heh. Why do I think of the 'Grandmother of all Furries' with the name of that town? (shrug)
Standard Raw Intro with Bischoff's picture being booed again... Replay of the highlights of HBK/Benoit match -including the screwjob and Austin's announcement of the Triple Threat Title match at WMXX. I'd love to believe it's so HBK can lay down for Benoit without making HHH look 'weak' by actually losing, but we already know I'm a fucking idiot - so why bother?
Benoit vs. Batista tonight, as if Dave is scary or something...? Oh well, let's get to that Four-Way Match with the mystery entrants. Lita up first. Lita? Oh, right, I forgot she worked there. Next in, Victoria - wearing black and pink (henceforth known as Job Color Prime). Next out is Jazz, which leaves the actual Champ Molly bringing up the rear. I guess they're saving Trish for some hoohah with the Chrises, eh?
Molly and Vic pair off, Jazz knocks Lita out of the ring. Lita gets back in and saves Vic from Jazz - and then doles out a DDT, pinning Jazz. One down. Molly pins Lita, but Victoria breaks it up with a rolling bridge to a double prawn - and Molly's out. Molly goes bananas and thrashes on Vic before being dragged out of the ring by spare referees. Vic and Lita square off and start brawling like mad - I wonder who'll win it? Nah, not really. Why give it to someone that deserves it when you can give it to Lita - who hasn't even been ON THE SHOW IN A MONTH? I love these bookers. They make me funny.
Commercials. Cena's new rap for Y2Stinger drinks isn't as good as the one's he's done for the drink already. Take it as you will.
Vic has Lita in a headlock, and goes to a side headlock takedown. They both pop up and start circling each other - and then Lita slaps Vic. Vic comes back, and Lita clotheslines her down. Vic back up and clamps Lita in a reverse chinlock and takes her to the mat for a breather before changing to a surfboard. Lita battles back up and counters the surfboard with a Side Russian, but can only get two. Lita tosses Vic to the corner and Vic tries to feed her the Anklescissors, but Lita doesn't like her own medicine and shoves Vic to the apron. Vic knocks Lita to the mat with a shoulder block to the belly and tries the somersault legdrop, but Lita dodges. Lita hits the Twist of Fate and gets two. They battle back up and Vic tries to get off a Death Valley, but Lita counters with an ugly anklescissors. They go back and forth some more, with some EXCELLENT spots all around - then Lita tries to go to the top buckle and is carried off/away by Vic for the UGLIEST fucking Widow's Peak EVER. Holy SHIT, I <s> thought </s> hope she broke Lita's fucking SPINE with that one - and Vic gets the pinfall!
I'll be damned...
Cut away from Victoria and Stevie's emotional celebration to the back of the arena where Vince is showing up in a limo. He asks the valet/driver/redcap if 'the package' is okay, and is assured it is. Vince marches off looking damn happy.
Eric in the office sweating bullets and Coach informs him that VKM is on the scene. Eric's so glad. Christian walks in and suggests that Jericho - while bashed up - is a quick healer, and has the great idea that they could battle for the Tag Straps tonight. Eric shits on Jericho, and then makes a match with Christian versus Trish Stratus - presumably to punish Jericho. God knows how.
Next up, Randy Orton comes to the ring - and we get a replay of the gang-up on Foley. He'll face... Val Venis.
VAL VENIS? Of all the fucking people to give even a non-title match with, you pick THIS <b>MOOCH</b>? They start off circling each other, and Orton nails a knee to the belly of Venis who was trying for a collar and elbow. Orton brawls some, but Venis hits him with a crisp dropkick and then puts him in the Abdominal Stretch. Orton gets loose and bails to the outside, but Venis follows him out and beats on him a bit. Orton Irish Whips Venis up against the ring, and then rolls him back into the ring for... ANOTHER Irish Whip - this time to the corner. Venis collapses, and Orton lays in a series of kneedrops before clamping on a bow and arrow. Orton's shoulders are down, though, and he releases at the two-count. Orton mocks Foley with 'Bang-Bang' and then tries to continue on Venis, but Venis punching his way back up and then some brawling on the IC Champ. Val with a Back Body Drop on Orton, then some mounted punches in the corner. Val hits - as Ross calls it - the You-Rangie (Uranage, actually, Jimbo) leaving all of us who can actually recognize AND properly pronounce a move in the 'lurch' if you will... and gets two. Venis with a Spinebuster and then goes to the corner for the Money Shot, but is tossed off Flair style by Orton. Venis tries to clamp on the Abdominal Stretch again, but Orton ricochets Venis off the buckles and finishes it with the RKO.
Commercials. I'll say this, it's a pretty action-packed show so far...
They replay the nWo 'commercial' with Eric calling out Vince and questioning his 'guts'. Bischoff is wondering who ordered them to play that, and promises that their head will roll. Of COURSE it's Austin. Austin makes fun as if it's not a total fucking work, and reminds that Eric made out with Vince's wife and daughter - and yet still works there. (Nevermind what HHH is doing to his daughter - or his company, right?) Eric talks of other vile fantasies he's got under the brainpan.
Of COURSE Vince comes up behind them as Eric is drywashing his hands about some Stephie Snapper. Vince snarls a bit and then leaves. Austin talks some more shit, and we go to the Evolution Prep Rally where they're trying to psyche up Dave for his match. Dave tries a catchphrase: "Benoit's biggest mistake is standing in the way of Evolution.' Bleh, I don't feel it. HHH comes in, in case anyone out there does, and takes the focus from Dave onto himself. HHH has an announcement, and he wants all of the crew out there when he makes it. Flair calls for the crew to 'Follow the Champ' and they strut off for some...
In all that time, they're only NOW beginning Triple H's entrance? I guess they want to cool the crowd off from all the action they got and remind them that they paid to see this instead of a wrestling show. Sigh. Hey, Levesque looks like an artfag in that black suitcoat and t-shirt. All he needs is a beret and sunglasses. HHH bitches about the turns of events that lead to him being 'madder than he's been his entire career' and claim that they're 'stacking the odds against him'. Attaboy. It's all about you. Look strong.
Triple H gets a deluge of 'You Suck' chants, and HHH reminds them that whatever has been put against him - he ALWAYS winds up on top. He then asks if he's happy about the Triple Threat, and then says 'No'. He then starts explaining how a Triple Threat match works, and is not happy with that either. He then wonders if it'll finally be 'Game Over', and then says 'No'. It'll be the biggest night of his life and his career - and he'll rise to the occasion as never before and beat the Icon Showstopper HBK and the Greatest Technical Wrestler Alive Today Benoit...
You sure he's learning from Flair? It sounds like Hansen wrote this promo... Laugh if you're a smart.
Benoit comes out in blue tights and Evolution looks ready to man the battlements. Benoit reminds us of the fact that HHH is the Champ, and that HHH talks a bunch of shit about how he's beat the best and is the champ - but that's all he's shown him. Talk. Triple H calls Benoit into the ring to show how tough he is (against all of them, of course). Gotta love a Champ who wins 'against the odds' by stacking them. Benoit gets a chair and Evolution backs away as he enters the ring with it. Benoit goes to hit Orton, but is swarmed on by Evolution. HBK comes out to beat up Evolution single-handed and chase them away. Benoit thanks him with the Crossface.
Austin comes out on the Grasshopper and chases Flair around before getting into the ring himself for the corner-birdies and then gets a mic. Evolution retreats. Austin reminds them that there's going to be a match with Benoit and Batista, and says if Evolution -or anyone in the back - dares interfere, then they're not going to Wrestlemania XX.
Benoit and Dave battling away, and Benoit is working Dave's legs over something fierce. Dave puts a stop to it by flinging Benoit across the ring. Dave tries a Body Slam, but Benoit slips loose and goes to the Double Leg Takedown, then tries a Sharpshooter but Dave shoves him away. Benoit comes off the ropes for momentum, and into a Giant Boot. Dave clamps Benoit into a bearhug, and takes him to the mat eventually. Benoit gets back up and tries to get free with a kneelift, but Dave clubs him to the mat and clamps on a Half-Crab. Benoit languishes a bit, then Dave yanks Benoit up by his leg and drops him onto his back. Benoit whipped to the corner for a Lariat then picked back up for some kneelifts to the belly. Whip to the opposite corner, and Dave rushes in. Benoit attempts a counter with the Crossface, but Dave shrugs him off. Dave continues pounding on Chris, and tries for the Body Slam again. Benoit slips free and hits the German Suplex. Dave gets up shakily, and Benoit dishes up the Triple German this time. Benoit goes to the top for the Headbutt, but Dave rolls away. Dave tries the Powerbomb, but Benoit reverses it into the Crossface. Dave taps. A fairly impressive showing all around, but if Benoit can pull a watchable match out of Eudy's ass - Dave's easy. They make a big deal of Batista tapping out 'for the first time in his career'.
Commercials. Snickers new slogan is 'The Most Nuts Ever'. God, I wish I didn't already cram them for sponsoring a WWe show - this'd be GOLD. Oh, and they're showing Terminator uncut this Wednesday in case you wanna see Linda Hamilton's tits from like 15 years ago... They were nice.
Bischoff is fretting about getting killed tonight, and Austin tells him to have a beer to make him feel better... I wonder if that worked for Debra? Austin then gives him a pep talk, strangely enough, and basically tells Eric to whip Vince's ass. 'Eye of the Tiger' is among his phrases, and that makes me sad for some reason...
RVD and Booker in a non-title defense tonight. RVD out first. Booker out next. Both get their intros to pad the show... They face? La Resistance. I forgot they were a team, since they were wrestling singles matches against Rico the last month or so...
Dupree and RVD start off. Dupree prances. RVD goes with the thumb thing and Renee' starts with the beating up. RVD nails a series of kicks and tags Booker in for a Double Spin-Heel Kick. Booker comes off the ropes, but Conway grabs his foot to prevent the Scissor Finish. Conway works Booker over a bit while the ref is distracted, and then Dupree pushes the Book into the corner and tags in Conway. Conway with a chinlock, but Booker elbows free. Booker comes off the ropes and is Back Body Dropped. Conway tries to hit a lariat, but Booker catches him with a Diving Heel Kick. Tag to RVD, but the ref doesn't see it. The ref moves RVD out of the ring as La Resistance works over Booker some more. Booker charges up and kicks out of trouble, then makes the tag. RVD kicks the shit out of La Resistance, and then Booker comes back in and Bookends one of them to stop them from really getting going with the double team. RVD gets the Five-Star and that'll wrap this up. It was a nice match, but a bit short. Here's a hint: If the intros to the match are longer than the match - REWRITE IT. That was a lot of talent in there for a rush-through, and for what? So we can have more time to give to the non-wrestlers this evening? DUMBASSES!
Next up, Ross had words with Foley about his beating last week. They show photos of Foley's Battle Damage as we go to...
Christian in the back getting ready to battle, and Trish comes in looking worried. Christian tells her the last thing he wants to do is hurt her, and says he'll lay down and let her cover him. But then suggests if he's gonna lay down for her, she should do the same later. She looks upset, and Christian quickly tells her that she passed the CLT (Christian Love Test) which he gave her to make sure she was 'right' for his best friend. Trish leaves, and Christian looks after her as she goes, in full Creep Mode.
Let's eat up some show with replays of Orton thrashing Foley in a one-on-one battle where he brought in two extra guys AND kicked Mick in the ding-ding to show how a girl fights 'hardcore'. Now let's have Ross and Foley talk about it. Ross says 'You must be in terrible pain'. Foley says he's used to it, but beforehand he never needed a neurologist to say how bad it was. Ross asks why Foley didn't 'stay down' like Orton told him. 'Instinct', Foley replies. He then asks the same question I did last week: 'How come I was beat on for six minutes, and nobody came to help me?' He theorizes that the guys in the back might have left him out to dry because he 'walked away' December 15th. Mick continues to explain that he doesn't want to hang it up because it'd give too much 'power' to Evolution, and that March 1st he's gonna be on a plane to Atlanta to make sure that there's Hell to Pay for what they did... Flair. Batista. Orton. All will pay. Foley's coming to Raw.
Trish comes down the ramp for the Inter-Gender match. Doesn't that require a male? I know... Details, details... Christian comes down the aisle next, and Trish looks like she knows the doublecross is in. Christian comes to the center of the ring, and they start talking. Christian lays down. Trish covers. It gets two. Trish starts to storm off, and Christian slaps her on the ass. She turns around all huffy-like, and is lariated out of her boots. Christian picks her up for some badmouthing and then dumps her to the mat with a Double Leg Pickup. Christian quickly puts her in the Walls of Jericho. She taps. Christian won't break the hold. The referee counts to four and then Christian lets her go. The referee sends Christian away, and Trish is a wreck now. I wonder if they'll let her share Jericho's room at the hospital? Heh.
They're carrying Trish to her car. God knows how she'll drive if she can't walk, but that's just details again I guess...
Coach is trying to talk to Bischoff and confesses that if VKM called him out he'd be pissing his pants too... Eric comes out all pumped up and rants about how he whooped Vince's ass and he'd have continued doing it if Time-Warner hadn't thrown in the towel. But tonight he'll show for SURE that while Vince might have won a few of the battles, Bischoff is still gonna win the WAR.
Commercials. Eddy Guerrerro pitching Y2Stinger now, and apparently after a taste a party breaks out around him. Poor Eddy. You were doing so well with laying off the sauce, too...
Vince comes strutting out in a cutoff sweatshirt over his wrestling tights, and he looks ready to eat a toddler. Vince gets a mic, and prepares to make the big blockbuster announcement when Stacy and Miss Jackie come out to the ZZ Top remix... They state their case about how they're really the hottest divas in the WWe, and want to prove it 'on the biggest stage of them all - WMXX'. Vince tells them to prove it right now, and Stacie calls for her music. Both girls caper and prance, and Vince makes a match with Jackie and Stacy against Sable and Torrie - it'll be a Playboy Tag-Team Evening Gown Match. The girls seem happy.
So Kane comes out. The chicks bail, but Vince stands his ground. Kane confronts Vince about how he was promised that Undertaker would die if Kane buried him alive, but now he's back. VKM tries to explain, and Kane cuts him off. He knows it's 'his brother' and that he has been being tormented day and night about it. Kane then tells Vince if Undertaker comes back, VINCE will be the next one buried alive. Vince makes the match with Kane and Taker at WMXX, and Kane seems happy, so he leaves.
Back to business. Vince was planning to announce a cross-promotional match, and tells us Brock was on his knees BEGGING to get a shot at Goldberg. Vince isn't sure it'd be a good idea, since the 82d Airborne couldn't control the bedlam that would surely occur.
Austin comes rolling out. Vince looks distressed, and demands to know what the hell Austin is doing out here... Austin tells him if Vince doesn't give the people what they wanna see, he'll be violating Stone Cold's Law. So, after making sure the people want to see Brock and Goldberg, he says that the calamity would be too much for a 'normal' ref, he'll be the 'special' guest ref for the match. Vince wonders what's in it for Austin, and Austin tells him it's none of his business. Vince okays the match, but wants Austin to special ref tonight as a tryout. Austin agrees.
Bischoff comes out in his pajamas... Er, I mean gi. Bischoff doesn't look scared anymore, and they commence to scowlies in the center of the ring. Eric offers a handshake, and Vince takes it long enough to lay in a kneelift to the bellt that backs Eric to the corner for some choking. Austin calls for the break, and gets it. Eric with some kicks and shit backing up Vince, and Vince gets all mad and starts choking on Eric. Austin calls for the break, and Vince shoves him. Austin punches Vince. Eric gets in some free hits. Vince is up and catches Eric's kick and lays him down with a clothesline. Vince is choking Eric on the outside, and Brock Lesnar comes up behind Austin and gives him the F5 for God knows why. Austin is laid out, and that'll close the show.
After all that build, you only give me some choking? What the FUCK? You spend all show on this, and you don't deliver... AGAIN?
Folks, this is shaping up to be the lamest Wrestlemania since the Blind Man's Match... Save your fucking money.
You're welcome. See you SOON.