Hello, my intended...
Well, the cable's back on, so that means you can do like most of America does (according to the Neilsen Ratings) and totally ignore Monday Night Raw again. Why? Because idiotic bastards like me are willing to watch it for you (for free) and then write rambling indictments about how much farther down the proverbial tubes it's slipped (also for free).
Considering I missed last week's offering, I'm back in the dark regarding what the fuck is going on. Luckily, I can always count on certain immutable constants in the show...
Triple H will be involved in some segment that will be no less than 20% of the total show, and for some reason won't be including a lick of wrestling. I can only suppose that 'the student of the game' is following Hogan's rules, and only 'wrestling' on PPVs - the exception being quick jobber squashes - such as Spike Dudley.
Chris Jericho, RVD and other 'internet darlings' will be continuously de-pushed for the crime of being recognized as wrestlers/talented/both by us shitbag fucks online.
Eric Bischoff will be a craven little assbite using his 'executive powers' to put the cram on anyone the crowd likes in order to 'get over as a heel'. It hasn't worked since nWo, and you know what? It didn't work so well THEN, unless you were RD Reynolds. However, given the choice between Bischoff and having McMahon on both shows, gimme EZE.
Stone Cold will stir some shit whenever he can, and will occasionally enter the ring for the biggest pop of the evening. He will cut a long promo running down one of the internet darlings or someone else that COULD be getting popular, but is not Stone Cold. He will flip people off and drink beer, but also NEVER WRESTLE - unless you count putting the Stunner on someone between beers. Most of you do, it seems. Shame on you.
The Coach will try to present himself as a representative of the 'hip and cool generation', while being neither hip nor cool. Lawler and Ross will rag on him for this; although their dislike for him is more attributable to his being a negro than 'their replacement' and alienate anyone that dares watch the show without first hitting the Mute button. Beleedat, playa.
There will be some pointless skits as the writing staff continues to run with the 'throw it on the wall and see if it sticks' approach. Look for these to include toilet humor and sexual innuendo, because that stuff really makes us notice WRESTLERS. It should also include the 'underutilized' guys, since the top guys aren't interested in 'changing their act', but of course if anyone likes the stupid bit one of the top guys is gonna put himself next to/in front of it and draw off any heat it has. Ask Hurricane if you don't believe me...
Shawn Michaels, one-time leader of both D-X and WWe's version of nWo (groups that were allegedly dedicated to destroying wrestling as anyone knows it) is suddenly the only guy that can save us from all the forces of evil gathering behind his former flunkie HHH. Individuals that I think need five years of training before they're worthy of the title 'Assmunch' will thrill to his stale 'Sexy Boy' act and sing his praises as a worker. When you consider that the guy is a carbon copy of Ric Flair - and Flair's playboy act went out with Nehru Jackets - I can't really understand why anyone pops for him. At least Flair would OCCASIONALLY actually HAVE a WOMAN or two nearby when he spoke of his sexiness. This calls many questions to my mind regarding the 'Sexy Boy' label, but that's because I can, y'know, actually THINK. Try it. It'll be fun! Ask yourself, "I wonder what he gargles to have a voice that sounds like that?" Here's a hint: It ain't Listerine.
They'll have maybe three wrestling matches that'll add up to about ten minutes of the two-hour show total. These matches will be interrupted by commercials, because nobody watches a wrestling show to actually see wrestling. Pffft! Are you kidding? Of course not!
Guess what, folks? The preceding is pretty much the recap of any given Raw. Why do you think I opted to do this gig? It's so fucking EASY.
Presently, Spike is running some kind of a Sports Illustated Swimsuit Babe Marathon and I'm not quite sure they'll interrupt it for Raw as yet. It's possible that watching supermodels in next to nothing would be a bigger ratings draw than sweaty guys in next to nothing on 'the first network for men', but that might just be that pesky 'logic' I keep bringing up solely for my own amusement.
Nope, Baker's Field California will host Raw - including Booker T and Jericho vying for the tag straps held by Evolution, and Benoit versus Shawn Michaels will be on the card as well. Gee, I wonder who'll win THOSE matches...? Heh.
Standard Raw intro, including Bischoff's picture (which strangely doesn't get booed this time) and similar stuff we've seen a billion times already - and still don't care about.
Replay of Michaels crashing the contract signing last week, and telling Benoit that he's not gonna get that Main Event after all - Superkicking him and putting his own name on the contract to get the point across. Jesus, I hate being right sometimes... At least that gives Benoit and Michaels a 'reason' to battle tonight besides the usual 'taking the shine off the other guys' that is HBK's modus operandi...
Triple H jerks the curtain? Nope, he's in streetclothes and has a mic... He asked Bischoff who he'd be facing at WM, but Eric didn't have an answer for him, He also kvetches about Benoit breathing down his neck (God knows how, since Benoit's so much shorter) and HBK putting his name on the contract last week. He also calls attention to the fact that at WM-X, the champion then - Yokozuna - defended his title twice in one night and ended up losing the belt. He also says that it's not going to happen again (No shit, Yokozuna's dead, dumbass!) at WMXX. He calls Bischoff out to give him an answer regarding who he's facing, and Bischoff cancels the HBK/Benoit match.
Yeah, good idea... Must... Not... LAUGH...
He tells folks that he'll replace it with a title match where HHH can pick either HBK or Benoit to defend his title against. They ask the crowd, sort of, and when it seems they favor HBK Levesque basically tells them to pound sand because he doesn't give a crap what they think. He turns to Bischoff after soaking up a 'You Suck' chant and demands an answer.
Benoit comes out, and lays the scowlies on HHH. Triple H tries to beg off since 'he's not the guy that superkicked him' and Benoit snatches the mic away from him. Then beats him up. They brawl back and forth a bit before Benoit clamps on the Crossface. Evolution runs out to make the save, but Benoit bails out before they get into the squared circle, leaving HHH nursing the ol' wing...
Hunter is being supported by Evolution in the back, and Orton's offering to take out Benoit. HHH tells them they have all night to get Benoit, but now Flair and Batista have to defend their titles, and he sends Orton out with them to 'make sure nothing else goes wrong'... He then shoves a toolbox off the trashcan in frustration.
RVD and Booker make their respective entrances, and they show how they were in a Triple Threat for Orton's IC strap last week and RVD finished off Booker with a Five-star, but Orton got the actual win. Sigh.
Booker and Flair start things off with a collar and elbow. Booker flows to a headlock, but Flair pushes him to the ropes and gets a clean break. Flair runs around the ring some as Booker jumps over him some. Booker with a Bodyslam, and then ties up Flair and tags in RVD. RVD Irish Whips Flair to the corner, but eats a back elbow running in to capitalize. Tag to Dave. Dave starts out strong, but RVD gets over on him with some nice kicks and two highspots. RVD then wallops Flair on the apron, knocking him to the floor. Orton gets on the apron to interrupt, but RVD kicks him to the floor ugly. Batista runs in to take advantage, but RVD flings him between the ropes to the floor. RVD tries to somersault in to nail Flair on the floor, but Orton shoves him aside and RVD eats the barrier. What next? You guessed!
When we return, Dave has Robbie in a reverse chinlock... RVD battles back, but Dave dumps him to the mat in a Powerslam. Tag to Flair. Flair tries to do something, but RVD counters with a backslide. Flair escapes, only to get dropkicked to the mat. Irish Whip sends RVD to the ropes, but he catches Flair's kick and hits him with the Diving Windmill. Tag to Booker, who crashes on Flair. Dave tries to interfere and gets a Backdrop Suplex. Flair's obviously in trouble and Booker goes for the pin, but Orton drags him out and bashes his leg on the side of the ring a couple times. Dave then runs in and Spinebusters Booker for good measure (since you can enter the ring anytime, as long as you're out before the five-count). Flair then applies the Figure Four.
Foley runs out and lays waste to Orton, clamping on the Mandible Claw and then flinging him into the crowd and following him. In the confusion, RVD uses the same five-second window Dave did before and nails Flair with a Five-Star JUST before Booker can tap in the Figure-Four. Booker rolls over onto the Nature Boy to win the tag straps from Evolution.
Well, I'll be damned...
Guerrero's the new World Champ, because of interference from Goldberg, who was arrested after reversing the F5 and Jackhammering Brock. Yet somehow escapes and Spears Brock out of his boots to give Eddy the cheap win. Yeah, Guerrerro could NEVER be the champ because he can actually WRESTLE, right boys? BAH!
Stone Cold is leaning on Bischoff and tells him that he better have a match for HHH tonight or he'll be in violation of 'Stone Cold's Law'. Bischoff leaves the office looking tired, and runs into Orton - who demands a match with Foley. Bischoff grants it, but tells him it's not going to be sanctioned. Orton likes it fine and brags Foley won't be walking out the arena tonight...
Cut to Jericho preparing for a match with Kane despite having a banged up knee. Christian interrupts and tries to figure out what the hell is going on, and he's told that Jericho really DOES have feelings for Trish, and he'll give her a belated Valentine Rose after his match and tell her how he really feels... Christian looks kinda concerned.
Commercials. Holy shit, Ginger wasn't kidding about how horrible that Quiznos ad is... Blech.
Jericho comes bravely down the aisle, bad wheel and all, for his match against Kane. Then Kane comes out looking mad - and in very little red - and they ring the bell. Y2J jumps around and lands some dropkicks to Kane's legs. Kane hits a clothesline, but Jericho rolls through and low-bridges him. Y2J attempts the Walls, but Kane shoves him away and then snatches off his kneepad. Kane bounces Jericho's knee on the mat a bit, then goes outside and waffles it against the ringpost some. Kane finally comes in the ring against Hopalong Jericho, who backs him up with some desperation chops, but Kane yanks him up and and drops him in a Knee Crusher. Kane tries to toss Jericho, but Jericho scats out and lands behind Kane - but his leg collapses. Kane Irish whips to the corner, but the leg gives way before he can get there. The referee stops the match. Kane continues it, and flings Jericho to the outside and pinballs him off the ringpost knee first. Kane back in the ring and with a mic. He explains that it should be a lesson to Jericho - or anyone else out there - that he's not fucking around anymore. Also, he doesn't appreciate the supernatural type mind games with the Undertaker lean, since he buried his brother already. The Undertaker is Dead. Dead. DEEEEAAAADDD! He calls up his pyro-jet and then makes to leave...
Bong. Cue the blue light. The Titantron warns 'In 27 days', and then it starts raining on Kane. Yes, raining. Indoors. Just on Kane. Y'know what? That's retarded. Like I had to tell you, right?
Orton comes out for his unsanctioned match. He says although Foley challenged him for a fight at WMXX, it won't happen. Why? It wouldn't be fair. Orton's only 23 years old, while Foley's fat, disgusting, and blinded by his own ego to the fact that his time is over... He calls Foley out some more, and says that while in 2000 Foley was the Hardcore Legend, tonight he's just Randy Orton's bitch.
Foley comes out. They start slugging away at each other, Orton with an early lead, but Foley turns it around and feeds him some punches and a running facebuster. Orton staggered, Foley kicks him in the belly and DDTs him to the mat like a METEOR. Flair runs out with Batista to save Orton, but Foley knocks them off the apron coming in. He turns and Orton hits a vicious stiff lowblow to turn the tide. Evolution in there now, and they work over Foley three on one after hitting Foley with the belt. They continue thrashing Foley and then Flair and Batista hold him up so Orton can take a few well-measured shots. Foley goes down, but they haul him back up and let Randy hit him with the RKO. Randy with the badmouth, and they turn to leave - but Foley's actually getting to his feet... They get back in and restart the attacks after Orton gets in a nice kick to Mick's dome to lay him down again. Orton tells them to pick Foley back up, and they continue the beating for a good minute or three (and yet no sign of the Sheriff to save his good friend... Heh) They continue, using a three man Powerbomb on poor Mick. He tells Foley to stay down and poses a bit...
Commercials. They're making a Cody Banks 2? They shouldn't have even made a Cody Banks ONE. I hate Frankie Muniz almost as much as I hate retarded movies.
Benoit confronts Michaels backstage and tells him he has NO IDEA what he wants to do to him for what he did last week, but he'll find out in the ring TONIGHT. Michaels looks concerned/constipated/guilty...
Stacy and Jackie are explaining that they're mad regarding Sable's comments that the Raw's divas don't have any class, and they're sure they could sell more copies than Torrie and Sable if THEY were in Playboy. Eric tells them they should call Hefner, and they skitter off to do so.
Austin comes in, and he's talking about comments Bischoff made on the 'Monday Night Wars' DVD, and asks him about the time he called out Vince McMahon for a fight. Eric starts explaining that he felt at the time that he can... he could. Austin jumps on it and asks if he means it, and Eric flusters a bit before finally saying that he's 25 years younger than Vince, and 'he has the karate thing going on', so 'yeah, he probably could kick Vince's ass - in fact, he could do it on his WORST day'.
Yes, of COURSE Vince is behind him. He flares his nostrils and asks if Eric remembered that he was told that if Goldberg showed up on No Way out, that it'd be his ass. Eric remembers, and Vince says he had a big blockbuster announcement today, but he'll delay until next week when he'll make the announcement in his wrestling gear - and then call Eric out.
Trish and Victoria are a team now...? Sigh. Remember when Vic was stalking Trish? That was creepy, but not THIS creepy... They face? Who else? Molly and Jazz most of coursely! Trish and Jazz start off with a tie-up, but Jazz shoves her to the mat and then shoves her to the corner for some bash. She flings Trish to the other corner for an Avalanche attempt, but Trish dodges and makes with a rollup... Gets two. Trish trying to get things going, but Jazz tags Molly in, who applies a chinlock - then an Irish Whip to the corner, and a snapmare. Irish Whip to the other corner, and Molly runs in to continue, but gets taken down with an Anklescissors. Tag to Victoria. Victoria starts thrashing Molly, but jazz hits her with a cheapshot. Victoria turns and punches Jazz right off the apron and gets brought up by Molly for a Vertical Suplex, but Victoria gets loose and brings Molly up for the Widow's Peak - and DOWN. Victoria wins the match for the good girls... Test comes out and attacks Stevie, then shoves Victoria out the ring. Trish jumps on his back for no sensible reason, and is shrugged off like a flea. Test decides to powerbomb Trish, and Christian makes the save... Somehow running off a guy twice his size in the deal.
Hoo boy, this is gonna get complicated... I need a break.
Commercials. Hey, thanks!
Christian coming down the halls backstage, and Trish thanks him for saving her (MUCH more enthusiastically than she thanked Jericho for saving her from the much more 'monstrous' Kane, I might add). She then says she's gonna go see Jericho at the hospital, and Christian says he was gonna do the same thing... Since he's already got a car ready, they should go together and stuff. Trish agrees. Christian says that before they go, he has to get something. The rose Jericho entrusted him with for the aftermatch confession. He gives it Trish without one mention of Jericho, and they leave arm in arm.
Yep. I knew it was gonna get complicated... Is it because I'm brilliant, or because their writing is so transparent and obvious? You decide!
HBK coming to the ring for his match with Benoit and he soaks up the applause strutting around... I guess Benoit's out next, right? WRONG!
Benoit's entrance, and they commence a staredown in the middle of the ring. HBK makes with the slow stamping as if striking up the band, but Benoit slaps him and then takes him to the mat with a double-leg takedown. Benoit with a Snap Suplex on HBK, and then takes the boots to him in the corner. HBK up, and Benoit chops on him before flinging him to the opposite corner for Michaels's halfass Flair Flip. Benoit tries for the Crossface, but HBK gets out of the ring. Benoit follows him out, but Michaels back in. Benoit follows him in, and gets kicked. Michaels with some chops and then hits a Neckbreaker. Benoit thrown chest first into the corner buckles, and he staggers backwards into a clothesline to the back of the head. Michaels with some measured shots to the neck of Benoit, including an elbow drop. They go toe-to-toe in the corner, trading punches and chops. Benoit gets the upper hand and throws Michaels to the corner. Benoit runs in, and eats a boot to the head. Michaels with a dropkick, and then flips up to a vertical base. Michaels climbs to the top buckle and goes for the Elbow Drop, but Benoit rolls away. Benoit tries to capitalize with the Rolling German Suplex, but Michaels blocks it and elbows free - reversing to a front chancery. Benoit fights free with some kneelifts and then Standing Back Body Drops Michaels over the ropes and onto the floor...
HBK is in a Head Wrench from a kneeling position, but battles free. HBK to the ropes for a head of steam, but gets a Kitchen Sink Kneelift. It gets two. Benoit doles out another Kitchen Sink, and then a Snap Suplex. It gets two. Benoit with a High Angle Backdrop Suplex, and gets another two. Benoit with a Pendulum Backbreaker - another two. Michaels up, and they start chopping each other. Michaels Irish Whipped to the ropes, and Benoit goes for another Kitchen Sink, but flows into an Abdominal Stretch. HBK languishes in the hold a bit, but manages to grab Chris's legs and work his way to the ropes - before reversing the hold with a Hiptoss. HBK tosses Benoit to the ropes and clamps on a Sleeper. Benoit going down... Down... Fading... Fading... Benoit digs deep and counters the hold with a Twisting Backdrop Suplex.
Both men are down and the referee starts counting. He gets to nine before they both get up, and Benoit lays in some chops. Irish Whip's HBK to the ropes and clamps on his own Sleeper, but Michaels counters quickly with a Jawbreaker. Michaels covers, and gets two. HBK back up and chops on Benoit. They exchange shots a bit and then Benoit is whipped to the ropes - they collide with a double shoulder-block and both go down. They stagger back to their feet, and Benoit with a backslide gets two. HBK tries a Back Body Drop, but Benoit counters with an Inside Cradle for two. Benoit attempts a Saito Suplex, but Michaels counters in midair with a crossbody for two. HBK goes to the top rope and hits the Elbow Drop. Michaels strikes up the band and fires off the Superkick, but Benoit ducks and applies the Crossface. Michaels manages to get free - and is then put into the Sharpshooter. Bobo smiles.
Michaels tries to get the ropes, but is dragged back to the center of the ring. HBK makes it back to the ropes and gets the break. Benoit explains how disappointed he is with three German Suplexes, and Benoit makes with the 'This is it' throatcut gesture. HHH comes out, and Benoit has a lot to say to him, but Michaels uses the time to recover and Benoit turns to eat the Superkick - and Michaels wins. HHH comes into the ring and helps Michaels up, and then Pedigrees him. HHH makes to leave, but the glass breaks and Austin rolls out. He confronts HHH on the ramp, and explains Bischoff made a decision about the Main Event at WM, but didn't wanna tell HHH himself because it might piss off the Champ. But since Austin doesn't care about any of that Champ shit, he'll break the news. For the first time, the Championship Match headlining WM will be a Triple Threat - HHH, HBK, Benoit. He then rides away, and HHH throws a tantrum to close the show.
Good grief, that was an AWFUL screwjob end to an otherwise pretty decent match - and an awful screwjob on anyone that's pre-bought Wrestlemania from their cable providers...
Well, that's it, kids. All in all, a pretty standard show according to the formula I've laid out for you already. Good? Bad? Does anyone care?
You're welcome. See you SOON.