Hello, my intended...
Since I couldn't do so properly before, allow me to offer you the traditional holiday salutations of this wondrous new year. With regard to the problems I've been detailing in my previous reports, suffice to say that when the dust settled, I had my Spike TV.
Which, in case you're keeping score, means I can make my triumphant return to recapping Raw - and thus do my part to make sure Vince names his next ulcer after me. Good for all of us, wouldn't you say?
What was I doing in my weeks off? Well, I'll tell you that I was hard at work trying to use my limited talents to present something that I normally hate the flea-bitten shit out of, but was willing to bite the self-imposed morality bullet and put it out there for better or worse...
In short, my most hated of all online fare was almost embraced by me in a desperate effort to provide new Fiendish content.
Yes. I almost did a webcomic... Shudder with me a moment. (shudder)
However, because it was a bit more work than I had anticipated - along with the current posting method being a little unfriendly to that sort of thing - I was hoping to have enough of them done to do 'packs' of them at a time. During this frenzy of work, I was able to secure my SpikeTV and thus render the previous efforts academic.
Which is a good thing, since I think it'll be almost impossible for me to do that sort of thing for an extended period... Hell, in those weeks I was barely certain I'd be able to get the damn things up at all. To tell the truth, they're still not at a postable level of completion, and might not ever be...
So, you lost out on a crappy webcomic - but you've got your crappy Recap back. Be glad with me a moment. (Yay)
As usual in these cases when I lapse on my Raw viewing, I have eschewed other people's recaps and similar news as to the goings-on of Vince's Cirque el Jirque in order to 'hit the ground running' with that trademark Fiendish confusion at what the fuck is happening. Besides, since so many people do recaps - probably all of them better than I do - I simply didn't want to be depressed at finding out precisely how much better, so I just bowed out. I'm allowed.
Tonight's Raw comes at us from Memphis, TN - which all but guarantees the King is gonna do something in the ring tonight, though I'll hope against it in vain out of habit. Molly will face Victoria for the Women's Title, and Flair and Batista will defend the Tag Straps against... the... Dudleyz.
What the fuck is Flair doing as a fucking Tag Champ?
Raw intro begins. Eric's picture is there all by itself, and we cut to Eric and Coach fretting about Austin coming back under his own terms, and he's decided to be the Sheriff of Raw. Then Teddy Long busts in with Mark Henry to demand a favor, and he wants it to be to make Teddy the GM tonight to show how the black man can handle things. Eric considers how well Long will do butting bald heads with Austin, and a nanosecond later realizes that whatever Long gets would be what Bischoff would have gotten, and he accedes to Henry's demands and takes off at slightly under Mach Eight.
Teddy comes out to break the news to the crowd, and you can hear the cringe in Lawler's and Ross's voice to be 'working for a black guy' even as a work. Teddy explains that the Memphis crowd is booing because they're not happy to see a brutha running things ANYWHERE. Lawler hops up and gets some cheap pop for trying to defend the honor of Memphis from the Long run-down, and then he comes to the ring. He starts backing Teddy up, but is interrupted by Randy Orton and then promptly RKO'd. They go to Long and Orton speaking about what they did backstage, and then Henry comes up and demands an IC Title match. Teddy gives it to him, and then bumps into Austin. Austin says that he's gonna give that rematch to the guy that deserves the rematch, RVD. Noting that RVD is white, as is Austin, Long says the match is already made and prepares to dig in his heels.
Austin offers up a match with RVD and Henry as a compromise - with the winner getting the title shot. When is anybody's guess, so if Henry wins then he'll be yoinked out of the shot when Long is just a manager next week. Like that'll happen. Henry winning? Looks like I still have my sardonic sense of humor, huh?
Coach comes out and sets up a chair with LSU to be the REAL 'Color' Commentator, and La Resistance makes their way to the ring, where Renee Dupree will face a returning Spike Dudley. Coach commences rubbing Ross's face in the Sooner loss with gusto. Bell rings. Spike starts up hopping into a bearhug and getting in some punching on Dupree's skimmer, but gets thrown about like a twelve year old in short order. Pancake. Delayed vertical Suplex. Dupree gets a two-count for it. Spike tries to fight back, but is smashed with a right cross. Conway then chokes him on the ropes and yanks him in an Irish Whip. spike with the headbutt to Dupree's belly. Tries for a Dudley Dog, but gets flung into the cornerpost. Hard. Dupree just thrashing Spike all over the place now, but then Spike counters a Military Press into a Schoolboy for the win.
Spike is lifted upon the shoulders of his fellow Dudz in celebration, and the bunch is promptly waylaid by the Tag Champs...
Trish is singing something. Britney she ain't.
Christian comes in on Jericho in the dressing room, and they discuss things. Christian says that they've been through a lot, and were a great team - and great friends. They then reminisce, making sure to remind us of Ass Cream on the way. Sigh. Oh, and they've got a Tag Match tonight.
But since we spent forty seconds with the new talent, we HAVE to follow that with a flashy three and a half minute montage about all the shit Michaels did against HHH. Going by the clips, he might have pulled a semi-decent match out of him before a screwjob Draw courtesy of Bischoff. Wow, I haven't seen a fuckup like that since the Undertaker/Angle 'pin/tapout combo'. I guess they're gonna do it again next PPV, huh? Goody.
And you thought Michaels only devalued the young talent...? Maybe it's his New Years resolution to devalue everyone until Vince makes him the champion? Looks like it.
The King returns and assaults Coach. Teddy puts a stop to it and says if Lawler even looks at King crooked, he'll get fucking fired in his own hometown. I like that, but they let Lawler slap the little n-word first, so I can't love it.
Christian and Jericho come out - each to their own intro (hey, there's a change). And they'll face... Hurricane and Rosey. Well, who else? I guess the Chrises are heels, huh?
Rosey and Christian start off, with Rosey getting the upper hand due to his bulk. Tag to Y2J, Tag to Helms. Helms with a Flying Lariat followed by a Manhattan Drop on Y2J. Helms whipped to the corner, but elbows free. Helms tossed outside and roughed up. Tag to Christian. Front Chancery applied, and Hurricane fights to his corner to get the tag - but the ref was distracted and didn't see it. They doubleteam on Hurricane a little, but he counters a double backdrop to a doubleDDT and tags in Rosey. Lariats for all, and then Christian eats a Samoan Drop. Rosey tosses Jericho outside and then Hurricane feeds him a crossbody from the top turnbuckle. Jericho flings him into the steps as Rosey dumps Christian in an Avalanche Front Slam. Rosey gets two before Christian gets his foot on the rope to break things up. Rosey staggers to the ropes, and somehow into the clutches of Jericho on the floor. Jericho ricochets Rosey's dome off the ringpost while the ref is again distracted, and Christian gets the win...
Steven Richards out next, with Victoria. He'll face Test, with nobody. Test clubs Stevie to the mat and then chases Victoria away. Steve tries to fight back, but gets pitched into the post. Test tosses Steve over in a sloppy armdrag, and then clamps on an armbar. Steve selling a bum shoulder, and they battle back and forth a bit. Victoria pulling for her man, and Test chases her off. Again. She still cheers for Steve, and Test tries to nail her on the apron with the Yakuza Kick, but she drops off and Test crotches himself long enough to be pinned by Stevie in the confusion. Vic comes in and raises Richard's hand in victory and eats a Yakuza Kick from Test, the poor loser. Stevie flips out and opens a whole case up on Test, and it looks like the Pink Crazy Train is making a stop in Face-Land.
I'm suddenly depressed...
Glass breaks. Austin comes out to eat up some time. He explains that he's the Sheriff to Tennessee, and that he feels Michaels deserves a rematch. HHH interrupts to eat up another couple minutes with HIS intro and then comes into the ring. HHH asks if Austin has lost his mind, and then states that alcohol really MUST kill braincells. Then he calls Austin Deputy Dogg, Barney Fife, and Roscoe P. Coltrane... Austin flips him off. HHH asks if maybe that Superkick knocked him to Mayberry, and makes a few more lame jokes. Austin asks if HHH is through wasting his time (what, just HIS?) HHH says he thinks so. Then Austin says that he'll uphold the law as he sees fit - and that seems to mean making Helmsley's life a living hell. As SCSA saw it, Michaels had HHH beat, and he's gonna make sure he gets a chance to do it again.
HHH commences namedropping about how he's beat everybody in his path, and as far as he's concerned it's a done issue. He wants to know what he'll have to do to finally make Austin realize that he's the best wrestler alive today.
Then Michaels comes out and has Austin play his microphone stand. Michaels says he wants to see him prove all that shit one more time. Austin says it's a Royal Rumble match, and then leaves HBK and HHH staring at each other. Austin then adds a stip, making it a Last Man Standing match. HHH responds by putting Michaels in the Pedigree and leaving him face down in the center of the ring.
What the...? Royal Rumble is in PHILLY this year? Shit, I might just piss away a couple hundred for ringsides to that... so I can spit on the both of the greasy bastards.
Holy shit, I thought we were done with singing wrestler albums forever... Guess not. Molly comes out to defend her title tonight against Victoria. Molly comes out and says that since Vic's out of action, she'll be the winner by forfeit. Teddy says that he's kinda fond of white chicks beating each other, and will be sending a replacement white girl out now, although not for the title. It's Trish. (Surprise!) Molly commences bashing Trish, and gets a twocount. She gives Trish a snap suplex for another twocount, and then clamps on a chinlock. Trish gets back up, and then pins Molly for two. Tries again. Another two. Trish with a high Spinebuster on Molly, and then gets in the handstand spot. Trish tries for Stratusfaction, but Molly counters. Trish counters the counter and Sunset Flips Molly for two. Trish gets in the Chick Kick, and then climbs to the top, for some reason... And is shoved off by Jazz. Jazz unceremoniously throws Molly out of the ring and then puts Trish in the double chickenwing lift, followed by the STF. Jericho comes out to make the save and chase Jazz off. Trish isn't too thrilled, and slaps Jericho's helping hand away and storms off - leaving Jericho dejected and rejected in the center of the ring. Awwwww.
RVD comes out and he'll be facing Henry for a shot at the IC strap some time later... Mark Henry comes out with tonight's GM in tow. Henry says 'Your ass is mine, bwah' if my lipreading is correct - and it is, since it's in such big print (Heh). Henry then shoves RVD over. RVD retaliates going to the legs with some kicks, but gets Powerslammed. Henry tosses Rob into the corner and runs in, but gets kicked in the mouth. RVD to the top with a Leaping Side Thrust Kick takes Mark down. Mark bails to the outside, and RVD tries a moonsault. Mark tries to catch him, but fails and they fall in a tangle. Henry then waffles RVD with a chair, and is DQ'ed. Teddy uses his GM power to make it a No-DQ match after the fact, and orders the match to continue. Austin comes out on one of those four-wheeler things and chases Teddy backstage. I wonder if the match will continue or not, but first we have to watch...
We're back, and RVD is flopping around in a Bearhug, but punches his way out. He tries to gather himself laying on the second rope, but Henry hits him with that old Crotchety thing Bossman used to do, but in his version slides all the way out to the floor. Ow. RVD is a bad way, but starts kicking all upside Henry's head. Henry sets him on the top buckle, but RVD clamps him in a legscissor and chokes him down for a series of ugly kicks and Rolling Thunder. Henry gets back up and knocks RVD down, but RVD gets himself together and finishes Henry off with a Five-Star for the win. Then Austin chases Long back down the ramp to steal the applause. RVD rolls outside and they corner Teddy. Rob shoves Long into Austin, who shoves him into the ring. Teddy starts begging immediately, and eventually gets a Stunner. Beer for everybody.
Commercials. Interesting. Chaos Theory + Time Travel = Ashton Kutcher's first serious role. I simply never would have found THAT sum, probably because I'm not a fucking dumbass.
Puddle of Mudd will do the Theme for Royal Rumble, and it's titled 'Nothing Left to Lose', amusingly enough.
Jericho tries to corner Trish in the shower to make himself heard. He knows it started off as a bet, and he's been a total jerk, but he wants to make his feelings known. Really. He's fallen for her, and he had to tell her. Oops, he's confessed himself to Mae Young. She shows him her puppies, and he can't get out the place fast enough...
Now Kane comes out and explains that he's never won the Royal Rumble, which makes him angry. He makes mistakes, like last year when he trusted his brother the Undertaker and got tossed out. But that's not gonna happen this year, because Kane buried him alive. Riiiight. He then explains that he mashed Booker T to send a message that his time is now, and that'll cue Booker to come running out. He might get Chokeslammed, but he kicks low and staggers Kane. He goes for the Harlem Side Kick, but Kane falls away too early and it looks REALLY badly botched. Kane rolls outside, and Booker explains that he's got two goals. Win the Rumble, and throw Kane's Uncle Fester lookin' ass over the top.
Cut to the Dudleyz back stage hyping themselves up for an eighteenth title reign... Suuure.
It's 10:53 as Flair and Batista come to the ring. They show a replay of the backjump earlier to stretch things out to 10:55 for the Dudleyz to come out. Evolution bails to the outside so the Dudleyz can get a crowd reaction. Bubba seems pissed, but Dvon will start off against Dave. Bubba cheapshots Dave in the back of the head and he staggers forward. Flair gets in a cheapshot of his own. Dvon in some trouble, but battles back. Bubba's in there now, and they work Batista over with a series of doubleteam moves. Flair tags in after Dave gets a crossbody from Big Bubba. Bubba shoves Flair over, and mocks him with Woo's and Strutting. They trade some chops, but Bubba gets in a Sidewalk Slam on Flair. Dave makes the save. Flair starts kicking the shit out of Bubba's legs and thighs, then tries for the Figure Four. Bubba counters with a rollup for two. Flair continues kicking the crap out of Bubba's big leg, and this time gets the Figure Four in. Bubba manages to turn it, but Flair tags in Batista. Batista clamps on a figure four headlock to further wear down Bubba. Bubba crawls to his corner for the tag, but Flair distracts the ref and the tag is wasted. Flair tagged back in. Bubba battles back. Hot tag to Dvon. Dvon goes bugshit in there, whipping Evolution's asses by himself before missing a cross-the-ring Elbow Drop. Then Bubba comes back and they thrash Flair with Wassup and 3-D. Then HHH comes out to the apron to distract the ref long enough for Batista to get in the Powerbomb. Evolution wins. Then Michaels comes out and Superkicks HHH inside out, and that'll close the show...
Wow, what a mess. Three weeks until they're at the Wachovia Center downtown, and I just couldn't care less. How about you? Yeah, they need to find some way to make us care. In three weeks.
Good luck, boys.
You're welcome. See you SOON.