Hello, my intended...

Well, because I'm one of those people that just doesn't learn, I bought No Way Out... Here's what happened...

King and Coach announcing... JR was given the night off due to injuries and stress. The Suck Meter edges out of the red, but since it's Coach's silly ass, it only goes to orange. Here's an idea... Why not have Taz come out and work with the King next PPV? That should be good for a laugh...

Y2J Match as the Official Curtain Jerker? Sheesh. Talk about the stutter start... He goes against Glo-in-the-Dark Hardy, and that should be interesting... Yeah. He's in a red an silver paintjob this time, accent on job. Collar and elbow tieup, and Jericho uses his... what, seven pound weight advantage? to shove Jeff into the corner. They go back and forth the way they've done a couple hundred thousand times already before Jeff finally taps out in the Walls, which isn't even the proper Walls anymore, but just a regular Boston Crab these days. I don't blame him or Hardy for 'scaling back' since they're both pretty shabbily treated on the shows... Oh, Y2J won't release the hold, eh? I guess that means HBK will come out for the Heat Transfer. Nah, even HE wouldn't be dumb enough to show up in Montre-frickin'-al! Oops, I guess he is... Weird that the crowd pops for him, though... Surreal, even. Christian comes out for the double team, and of course HBK cleans house and dishes that damn sloppy Superkick straight to Christian and flattens him. The Chrises retreat, with Jericho swearing revenge to the Kid. Jesus, that was a mess... Hardy really botched like three spots, and you could see Jericho was talking to him the whole time. Sad, to be so washed up so young. Extremely so, even.

Quick bit with Angle giving the pep talk to the Team and warning them that the people out there were gonna tell them they sucked, but that they shouldn't be concerned because it's just Canadians talking - and they're a no good bunch of wanna-be French, all of them. Way to go, Kurt. Like the French aren't <b>already</b> mad at us... Heh. They then plan in secrecy about what to do to ensure victory tonight, and you just KNOW someone isn't gonna make it to the match. Probably Lesnar, so they can cheat us out of some more money before ramming us at Wrestlemania.

Next up is Kane and RVD (Burning Herbs? Yeah, that fits.) against Team CanEurism for the titles... Nice to see Regal and Storm not booed for once, but the crowd didn't exactly pop either... I guess most of them read Storm's diatribe against legalizing marijuana, and are holding it against him. Whatever, I guess... Standard we've seen it a million times heelishness from Regal and Storm with RVD as Ricky Morton, so I can't really fault the crowd for not giving much of a shit. Builds up to Kane getting the hot tag and beating up everyone until Big Red gets his mask mussed so he can't see and they shove RVD into him for an instinctive chokeslam, and that'll send this one home with Regal and Storm retaining and them considering a breakup of the Burning Herbs just because I finally got around to naming them... Whatever.

Backstage for a Hardy Boyz Reunion where Matt tells Jeff that he was a winner when he was an MFer, and now he loses every match. Jeff slas him stupid(er) and they get ready to mix it up, but Moore steps in and stops Matt because he's got to deal with Kidman. That shouldn't take long, since most people forgot Billy K. even worked there, let alone had the Cruiser Strap... I figure Matt wins, gets weighed Thursday and has to give the belt back... The crowd couldn't be any less into it and still be in the arena... Wotta couple charismatic young lions, these two, huh? No, clearly not. Another phone-in level performance, with Matt doing heel and Billy soaking up damage. Not a bad match, per se, but you can tell they're really just going through the motions. If you took all the heat these two generated, you could...toast some bread. Lightly. A couple hundred spots later, including a missed Shooting Star, and your New CW Champ has Mattitude. Yay. He should bring a ton of prestige to that strap, but I'm pretty sure he won't.

Oops. Looks like they decided that Lesnar was too over, and have waffled the crap out of Edge, instead. I'm supposed to BOO this? Sorry, Team, but for most of us fans - and especially me - stomping Edge into a shattered bag of bone fragments is how you get Face Pop. Lesnar and Benoit notice he's not conscious (is he ever?) and call for some EMTs to cart him off, with Stephanie coordinating the rescue effort. Guess the match is cancelled, right? We'll see... They'll probably switch Angle out to put over him 'ducking' Brock, and feed Haas and Benjamin to the Ragin' Rascal Haskell to keep him over as a monster face...

Well, how do you follow that fustercluck? Ah. With a BIGGER one. Big Show and Undertaker. That oughta get the fans on their feet...and heading for the exit. Ooo, and they show us the whole 'buildup' with the apology gifts... Just when I almost suppressed those memories, too. Thanks. Show is in first, and then Taker. They do all their moves to each other, and UT even does a Hogan Legdrop onto Show across the apron, but we've seen this match about eighteen too many times. Show producing Arn-Level Psychology by steadily working the (not at 100%) lower back of Taker the whole time, leading up to Taker trying a body slam - and failing. One fall under a 500 pound sack of turkey giblets later, and Taker soaks up six elbow drops in a row. No BS. SIX. In a ROW. Show then proves he knows a few more moves than four, and works a pitiful looking bearhug for a while. I've had firmer grips on people learning to waltz. No kidding, you could run a midget between them while Show had Taker in that hold. I've been closer to my partner at Catholic School Dances... He then dishes out four headbutts, a right hand, two more headbutts, another right, and now UT battles back... Brawlies, and then he does Vader style charges into the Show in the corner... This is sad. Could it get worse? Yep. Taker tries a Chokeslam, even after failing to pick Wight up with TWO hands, which means he's a dumbass - or we are... Probably both. More plodding back and forth, and then A-Train lopes out and gets waffled... Taker then does a Tope' Suicida between Albert and Paul, and barely grazes them - but they all go down like they've been shot with a cannon, and Taker gets back in - winning pretty quick with a sloppy looking Head and Arm Scissors that they call a Triangle Choke. Taker goes to get a chair to beat on the unconscious Show, and Albert runs back in and dishes out the Baldo Bomb. Yeah, I love this feud...

Bischoff and Morely plot 'getting' Austin, and Vince interrupts. Basically, VKM tells them that if anyone runs out to mess up the match against Austin - anyone at all - they'll be firrrrrrrrrrrred. Like anyone would save Uncle Eric that still works there? They let DDP go months ago...

Ow, seems Benoit and Lesnar are gonna take on Team Angle 2-on-3 Handicap Style. Angle and Benit do what they can, but that's alot of lugnuts to carry, they put on the usual sort of match, but the 'real wrestlers' that aren't Angle are still way too green, but they work pretty well all things considered. Team Angle is still working the Heel thing, and Lesnar still working the Monster Deal. They tease some Angle and Lesnar in the ring, but Angle hops off the apron so he can't be tagged, making this a 2-on-2. Angle occasionally inserts himself into the match, workng a Rear Chinlock that Taz harps is nearly a Naked Choke, and I agree... I haven't seen a match like this since Cary Elwes choked out Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride... A few dozen spots later, and Haas taps out in the Crossface as Brock dishes up the Refresher (F5) to Kurt Angle... Yeah, that Wrestlemania match is gonna rule. I think I'll buy it right now and beat the rush...

A commercial for Before They Were Superstars 2, featuring Taz's mean streets, Torrie's Eating Disorders, and Brock Lesnar... Wow. When can I buy THIS wonderful tape? Now? Great! I'll be standing outside of Best Buy all night so I can get it when they open...

They put the clips together to explain the HHH/Steiner feud so far, and I can only hope that the couple matches Steiner's had worked off some of the rust that had him stinking up the first match. Ten minutes of entrances later, and I can only figure they'll run the same program as last time, only with 'Evolution' chipping in to help get HHH disqualified... Steiner tries, and it's a bit better than their first meeting, but only a bit. He works the 'injured left thigh' of Helmsley, and generally throws him around the place - even doing that old Hennig spot where HHH gets kicked into the air from a boot to the ass, but Steiner falls down the first time they do it, so they have to do it again... Steiner then goes 'Woo' for some reason - and then puts the Figure Four on HHH? Argh. HHH grabs the referee's shirt, and Ric gouges Steiner's mush to break the hold... HHH tosses Steiner outside and then distracts the ref (Earl Hebner, who else?) so Flair can work Steiner over on the outside... Stiff brawling, blown spots, a total mess of a match in general... More sloppy looking brawling, with Steiner throwing his standard one second punches (that's how long it takes one to land - really) and knife-edge chops. HHH gets over a bit, and tries to pin with his feet on the second rope, but Hebner catches him and won't count the pin. HHH shoves Earl, but Earl won't DQ him. More suplexes on the Game, and Steiner even does that Second Rope Fallaway Slam he did on Y2J - followed by the Recliner. Flair calls in Randy and Dave, and it REALLY goes downhill... Blah Blah Blah. Hebner ejects Flair and the boys, and while he's doing that HHH blotches Steiner with the belt. Two count. Pedigree. HHH wins. Yay.

Ross comes out (Noooooooo!) so he can see the ass-kickin'. Bisch tries to get the fans behind him and get him out of this, but there's No Way Out. Austin comes out, and Ross acts like it's the Second Coming (or the First, if you're Jewish) of the Messiah... Austin pretty much slaughters Bisch, but Uncle Eric backs him up with an eyerake and fires off a kick into the Rattlesnake's chest. Austin doesn't even budge, and he gets that look on his face that I usually get when someone tries that Kim's Karate Bullshit. Almost the same result, too... Except I don't use the Stunner... He pins Eric, and then pulls his arm up at two... Another Stunner. Another 'near fall'. Austin stands over Uncle Eric a bit before hauling him up for another Stunner. This time he pins him. Cut to the Raw Roster in the back clapping happily. Austin helps Eric up. Another Stunner. JR creams his jeans, and starts chanting 'one more time'... Austin doesn't. Why bother, he's got time... He's on RAW, remember? Sigh.

Hogan and Rock next... But first, a pointless new video piece for the new Rock entrance... And then the Orange Goblin returns... You know how it is with sequels, right? It still is. This mess wasn't even as good as the first Hogan/Rock match because now BOTH of them are stinking of rust. Bunch of nonsense. Blah Blah Blah. Rock Bottom. Rock puts on Hogan's bandanna, and then takes his weight belt and straps him a bit - then goes to get a drink of WATER? Hogan gets up, waffles Rock, and then they re-enact that LeVar Burton scene from Roots while the Canadians cheer for Hogan... Rock with a DDT. Blah Blah Blah. Sharpshooter? Argh. Hogan gets to the ropes, but Rock marches him away from them. Hogan then 'digs deep' and powers out after the obligatory raising of the arms to the 'Nuh-Uh' on the third raise. Blah Blah Blah. Rock taunts the crowd and batters Hogan around on the outside... They brawl. Blah Blah Chair. Blah Blah Low Blow. Spinebuster. Two People's Elbows, the second with a 'Shoot the Moon'. Two Count. Hulking Up. Big Boot. Leg Drop. Pin. One...Two...Lights go out? Lights come back on, and the ref is down - with a chair under him. Vince comes out to distract Hogan, the ref slides Rock the chair, and Rock DESTROYS Hogan with it. Hogan blades. Rock Bottom. The referee magically recovers, and Rock gets the pin. Vince then showboats to put over that he's trying to kill Hulkamania... Roll credits.

All in all? They'd better come up with something FAST to get someone to give a shit about Wrestlemania, because the Road to it led to one of those fake tunnels Wile E. Coyote paints on the side of a mountain. It was a complete fustercluck. If you saw it, you know what I mean. If you spent money to see it, you know how I feel... This write-up is pretty much a bust, but gimme a break, I still feel like I got kicked in the balls by the WWe. For those of you that won't buy the replay because of my warning herein?

You're welcome. See you SOON.