Will Not Be Televised
Originally Posted 2-9-04

Hello, my intended...

Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but there will be no Recap tonight. It seems one of my neighbors - or perhaps some random dink, who knows? - has purloined the 'line-plug' from my cable feed. Allegedly, this was the 'key' that allowed me to receive my HBO, and now it's gone; the bothersome part being it was a link from the cables in my place to the line running outside. So I'm now about 2" short of a connection, and both ends are Male.

Minds out of the gutter, if you please.

The cable company can't send anyone out until tomorrow, so the Recap's pretty much hosed as I've said already. Too bad, I was looking forward to raking the contract signing segment over the coals, and everything. Bummer. But fear not! I've actually gotten used to producing something every week, so while you won't have me mocking tonight's show there will still be much of my patented bittersweet sarcasm/poignancy. Hooray.

Therefore, I've decided to comment on some of the present 'news bits' we've had of late. Gimme a break for such a lame outing. I was hard up for ideas on content because I've gotten used to doing the Recaps. I'd considered grabbing some choice bits from various message boards and hazing them, but someone else does that and I'd rather not be in the same boat when the 'mockees' finally realize such lampooning is fully actionable as copyright violation. Luckily, people as stupid as I've seen quoted can't possibly read my work, so the pork's safe for now. Thank God at least SOME of us net-writers are up on our CLs, especially since the law-enforcement types started getting frisky with the DMCA. But I digress....

The Race is Cancelled

Believe it or not, as badly as Mark Henry sucks, he was getting a fairly decent monster heel type push of late - and with Teddy Long doing the talking I thought they were finally settling into a groove. But now Henry's hurt, and could be out for months with a bad wing. Where does that leave 'Da Struggle'? In 'Da Shitter', of course. The only other black guys on Raw are D-Von Dudley (busy with Bubba and Spike and the impossible dream of taking the straps from Evolution), Booker T (a face - more or less - so a poor fit for being a disenfranchised heel), Coach (I won't even START with all the reasons THAT can't work), and Jazz. What can they do now? Bring in Orlando Jones, Ernest Miller and Shelton Benjamin? That'll be bad, actually, since it would make Raw 'the black show' and Smackdown 'the hispanic show'. But what else can they do? Bring in New Jack? Yeah, right. NEVER gonna fucking happen. Not. EVER. Bring back D'Lo? (qv. New Jack).

Honestly, I think this is a good thing overall. I've never really appreciated the 'entertainment value' of having a group of angry black wrestlers hungriy searching for their due - and then jobbing constantly to white guys. Vince McMahon thinks it's funny, sure, but he's from New England (not known as a utopia of racial harmony last I checked), so it doesn't count. Give it a few months off and then pretend it never existed, it's the smart thing to do - which of course means they won't fucking do it. Look for some OVW guys to get pulled up to sub for Henry, assuming they still have any black folks there. Long can't do the bit with just Jazz, and everybody knows it. Well, everybody except the brass.

Competition Down the Highway

Folks, I'm stunned over two things. One: That a 'big company' like WWe stubbornly chooses to ignore the immense money-tree that is the internet based solely on the grousing of us few unhappy fans that have op-cols. Two: Why it took so long for someone ELSE to capitalize on it. I'm speaking of the plan in the works over at MLW to provide streaming of their archived television shows at two bucks a pop. This does several good things for them, which are all obvious - but I'll list them anyway to stretch things out. Heh.

  1. Exposure - Many of MLW's roster have immense grass-root type followings, such as Low-Ki, Vampiro, Steve Corino, Sabu and Jerry Lynn. Others have fairly decent fanbases in other parts of the world, such as Taiyo Kea, Juvi Guerrero and Nosawa who were previously unable to watch their favorites because they were 'across the border/ocean'. Moreover, the astonishing contrast to the 'WWe Style' presented by the hybrid style employed in MLW could boost them like gangbusters. I've seen an MLW show, kids, and even their shitty guys outwork anything the WWe has trotted out in the last three years. That's certainly not the sort of comparison WWe wants to have happen with them on the losing end - especially after running their 'you've seen the old guys a million times, but we got young talent' bits during the Billionaire Ted fiasco.
  2. Revenue - A streaming server costs some dough, no question, but after considering it for a moment or two I realized that the heaviest T3 trunk with unlimited bandwidth would cost about $1200 a month, which at two bucks a show is about 600 shows to sell to EVERYONE ON EARTH TOTAL. That's not even considering the live gates, videotapes, t-shirts, or commercials they could tack in there where we used to get Dating Service ads from their UHF-TV runs. Not that TNA is doing poorly or anything, but their PPV approach leaves far too much of a gap between having the show and getting money from it - this allows MLW to get their money IMMEDIATELY. Money which would of course be put into the show to make it even better, so that MORE people would want to watch it.
  3. Viability - It's only a matter of time before the ripple crosses the lake and word of mouth starts to force Vince to realize through steadily waning income that he's got to change things. Right, like it's worked before, you say? Silly rabbit. What do you think ECW did? Remember the WWe before ECW came along and stole us 'smart-marks' from the stands? This is one time that I think history will repeat itself - and thank GOD. Expect other non-WWe promotions to get into the act, too. WWA and TNA for instance... The WWe might be 'the only game in town' right now as far as the average mark goes, but unless he gets his head out of the sand regarding 'the damned internet' YESTERDAY Vince is gonna lose that little Fool's Paradise, and it'll be UGLY when he does. I can't fucking WAIT until MLW rolls out this service on February 20th, kids. Can't. Fucking. WAIT.

Digging Up Corpses

Well, it's been confirmed that Mark Calloway will be back in the black hat in the next couple weeks to feud with 'his brother' once again. Kids, I feel like the guy on the deck of the Titanic that first sees the iceberg in the distance. There is NO WAY that they can hope to win over the young crowd they've been chasing in their commercials with this old chestnut. NONE. I can see it now: "Hey, that dude looks like a gay Rob Zombie... Harharhar! Let's watch something else."

Can they REALLY be so deluded to think that what they MIGHT get in nostalgia-pop will make up for what they WILL lose in the 'under 18' demo? Kids who rate their action based on Dragonball or Samurai Jack standards? It is to laugh. Heh.

Benoit Screwed Again

Word has it that HBK will be added to the WMXX Main Event that Benoit was going to have for winning the Royal Rumble. The logic seems to be that HHH can't bring himself to job unless 'the odds are overwhelmingly against him' - and those odds include a Kliq member. This does two things. First, it totally invalidates the onus of the Royal Rumble forever. Second, it gives us a reason to pass on Wrestlemania XX. No lie, folks, I was going to buy it for the SOLE reason of seeing Benoit headline - even though I KNOW he's gonna job, and they've gone and fucked it. Allegedly adding whatever fistful of shitbirds is calling themselves Guns N' Roses now to the show nails the box shut, to boot.

Well there's still an hour until I won't be seeing the show, folks, but I hope I've given you something that'll tide you over until I can get reconnected... Feel free to look elsewhere to know 'what happened'. It's not 'cheating' on me. Honest.

You're welcome. See you SOON.