Spelling it Out
Originally Posted 1-1-03
Hello, my intended...
Here we are, everyone sending out their last columns of the year 2002... This pleases me. Which I probably won't bother with, preferring instead to try to be the first TRP column of the New Year... Hell, it can happen, and it keeps me from having to go nuts trying to get this in before the ball drops (and thus missing Brak count it down). So here's a nice set of resolutions for the guys at WWe to help them turn things around...
1. Give the Workers some Decent Finishers. As a fan of Keiji Mutoh (Great Muta), let me state here and now that what Hurricane does is NOT a goddamn Shining Wizard. A Shining Wizard is a step-up onto the upper right thigh of the opponent (with the left leg), followed closely by a thunderous knee to his chin (with the right leg). The closest thing in the Great Muta's 'Shining' lineup to what Hurricane does is the 'Shining Black', which is the stepup as described in the Shining Wizard, with a left-leg pivot and a right leg back thrust kick. Awesome move. Thus, nothing like that sloppy looking jumping Corkscrew Scissor Kick that Hurricane almost does... I thought the guy's hero was Green Lantern, not M.Bison (Vega, to you gaming purists).
It's not like I expect everyone's match to turn into Jushin Thunder Lyger vs Ultimo Dragon at the Japan Supershow, but come ON. At least a third (closer to a HALF) of the talent has a kick finisher. Call it what you will, Superkick, Jungle Kick, Yakuza Kick, Stevie Kick, Sweet Chin Music, Harlem Side Kick, Harlem Scissor Kick, Tajiri Kick, Scissor Kick... Enough. We get it. Kicks hurt. What else you got? Uh huh... How sad is it when the most ugly finisher they got is used by Victoria? Not to sound like a puroresu elitist, but can someone send these guys a couple tapes? I mean, please, the F-5 looks like it's GOING to be a decent Finish, and Brock lets go too early. Sigh.
2. Cut Back on the PPVs. You could barely put a story together to make us care about the PPV matches when you worked it both shows. I think if you gave us some time between matches to form a legitimate reason for these guys to go out and scramble, then people would give enough of a shit to buy the damn thing. Less is more. Y'know, I remember when Wrestlemania was a goddamn EVENT you looked forward to more than the WORLD SERIES... When Survivor Series was a Thanksgiving Tradition... When I gave a shit about anyone you had working there. I mean, come on. My girlfriend has something that comes once a month, too, and I'm finding that I look forward to that MORE, Vince.
Then you gotta consider that the Talent has to ramp it up a notch from the 'free show' level of performance so that us smarks won't call it Pay-Per-RAW, which is scary considering how sick they bump as it is on the free shows and house shows to get paying customers in the seats. How fucking scary is it that I might buy the Rumble just to see Cena vs. Jericho? Not because it's earthshaking level of talent scrambling, since I figure Y2J is gonna get waffled by Buchanan to put Cena over. Not because I'd love to see these two fight it out to settle who's the better man; cuz, y'know, I don't think they've even SEEN each other. Because: I HAVEN'T SEEN IT A MILLION TIMES ALREADY FOR FREE.
Shit, you could even charge MORE for the PPV's and still make out. A handful of depleting regulars posting lackluster monthly numbers is NEVER as good as a CROWD of NEW people posting BIG ones five times a year. For someone running a business, you guys sure don't seem to grasp simple economic concepts like supply and demand... SO LEARN IT.
3. Stop Insulting the Fans. No, I don't mean the whole Cheap Heat schtick that Cena and Nowinski are relegated to doing. I don't even mean you turning your noses up at us 'internet geeks'. I mean the stuff that you continue with even when the fans unanimously LOATHE it. Al Wilson, get out of my SIGHT. I don't wanna think about you and Dawn Marie plus a sprinkle of Viagra... I.... DAMN! Mind you, I'm just ITCHING to see how he handles on Smackdown LIVE this week, since the jackass was flubbing lines on the TAPED show segments.
You know why people were so quiet about the fairly impressive Goldust/Rico match? No, it's not that nobody cares about workrate, dumbasses. It's because nobody cares about Rico OR Goldust, and they didn't have any HEAT with each other (or much for themselves) before you tossed them in the ring together. Who do you cheer for when you want to see them BOTH get their asses kicked? At least send their tag partners out to 'watch' each other so you can build something up for NEXT week, or maybe even the PPV of the month. Don't even get me started on how you've been shitting on the people in the stands at the live shows by 'considering' a match and then going 'Naaaaaah. We'll do that AFTER we leave THIS town. Fuck YOU guys. No refunds.' The first time they were gonna do the HBK/RVD match stands as a glaring example of things you should NEVER do, even if it's just to get people to hate Bischoff. How many of those fans in the seats do you expect back the next time you come to town when you cheated them THIS time?
4. LISTEN to the Fans. WE know what WE want more than YOU do, and that's the facts. Accept it already, wouldja? I know you can't make EVERYBODY happy, but try to make a few more happy than Triple H and Stephie this year, okay? If we BOO something, it means we don't like it, and please stop.
I can understand youu thinking it's 'heat' especially for 'top heels' like HHH (Must... Not... Laugh...) but when the word comes through the wires that the segment blew goats because of A, B, C, etc. and you completely ignore it? If we have a problem with it, and you don't address the problem, then you're saying 'Fuck You' to the people you're trying to wheedle some cash and/or buyrate out of and into your company coffers. People that don't get what they want go somewhere else to get it. Or they just do without it. Neither option does YOU alot of good, okay?
Do you think it's by accident that so many people flock to sites where they can get some insight into why they feel like they've been cheated? I'd much rather write about all the good things in wrestling, but lately that's like trying to find a VCR that was made in the USA.
5. Stop with the SHILLING. I could seriously do without Ross and King or Tazz and Cole or Miller and whoever the hell that Lo-Cal Gargiulo he's saddled with is bandying about over whomever's new book, or Rock's new movie, or the next PPV. ESPECIALLY with the MATCH being IGNORED so they can do it! How the fuck are you gonna expect the fans at HOME to care about the match when the guys at ground zero would rather talk about ANYTHING else? That's why the matches are such spotfests NOW. The boys're trying to get your ATTENTION.
Not to beat a dead horse, but Joey Styles could talk about the ACTION and make it that much MORE compelling. When the guy went 'Oh my GOD!' you believed that the move you saw was that much MORE devastating. Give it a fuckin' TRY, huh? We know the closest we have is JR yelling the move name three times, and when THAT is the best guy you got, you really shouldn't act so damned dumbfounded the place is getting flushed around you. For chrissakes, when Styles snuck in a shill, you were surprised that he could take a moment from calling the incredible action, and the shill STUCK in the mind of the fans. ECW would have had SHIT buyrates (even compared to the low numbers a VERY limited fanbase provided) if it wasn't for this guy soft-selling so we remembered it.
NO match is unimportant. NOTHING is supposed to be in the fore of the fan's hearts and minds besides WRESTLING when they're WATCHING IT. How can these guys EVER draw when the MOST VISIBLE PEOPLE IN THE COMPANY don't seem to give a rat's ass about them?
6. Let the Talent TALK, but don't OVERDO it. When a HHH promo starting means we can watch the football game for twenty minutes and not miss anything? That's a BAD thing, guys. When people that are good or even great on the stick have to pack all they're gonna say this month into a fifty second blurb a commercial break ahead of their match where they get squashed? That's a WORSE thing. It means that we can't take them seriously, since they all seem to come off like dudes that talk shit and can't back it up. When Joe-Sixpack thinks the midcard boys are all full of shit, WHY WOULD HE PAY TO SEE THEM? I know this is pure common sense that ANY fool can see, SO WHY CAN'T YOU???
When even Dory Funk Jr. is taking shots: 'I guess RAW means Rarely Any Wrestling.' you've gotta IMMEDIATELY call a proctologist that carries a crowbar.
There you have Six Easy Steps to Turning it Around, courtesy of the Man, the Myth, the MONSTER that IS Bobo QUITE FIENDISH. Fuck, forget paying me for the consultation, guys - I'll pay YOU to see you do them... And so will a million OTHER fans that you've chased off.
You're welcome. See you SOON.