Hello, my intended...

Well, first off, I think I've finally decided that Raw sucking the shit out of a dead baby's ass is attributable to one person... Jim Ross. So let me begin lobbying afresh for someone to just put ol' Hoss the fuck out to pasture already. Watching him talk without his face move is like some bizarre dream where they put Lawler in a cameo on the next Muppet movie, and stuck him with Tatters the poorly constructed Muppet, which wouldn't be so bad if said shabby Muppet knew the FIRST thing about what he was saying...

In tonight's episode of Dullest, "Who'll shoot JR?" and more importantly, "WHEN?"

Listen fellas, for what you're paying Ross to botch calls you could get four Tenays, three Gargiullos, two Gertners or a Joey Styles (in a pear tree), and with any one of them you wouldn't even need Lawler. I thought you were trying to save some money, eh? Then I wouldn't have to worry about Ross sneaking in a 'technical term' in the COMPLETELY wrong place again. Ross is past it, fellas. Way past. Goddamn Mike 'Voodoo Chili' Tenay isn't as out of touch with the audience as this guy. Enough. Go thou thither to the Land of Nod with thy barbecue sauce and dwellest thou there forever and ever, Selah.

Second, the officiating of the entire show was ridiculously bad. I mean worse than it USUALLY is, even. Not only the whole 'restart' deal that Morely is doing, but the referees are pitiful mockeries of 'authority' in the ring. I mean, really, Nick Patrick counting a three on Booker in the Not Quite Main Event isn't so bad... Except his frickin' shoulder wasn't on the mat at ALL. Not one square millimeter of his shoulder, or even his shoulder BLADE was on the mat, and Nick still counted three... Just remember that this guy was WCW's Senior referee, and certain things start making a bit more sense - such as how you can go broke with Turner's money... Ask an ol' WCW guy about the infamous Slow Count That Wasn't for some insight on why Nick Patrick needs a lead-pipe headache.

Michaels giving HHH the comedy screwjob was okay, I thought, but it REALLY detracted from the match and put Michaels over moreso than the guys in the ring. Excuse me, but I'm not watching a wrestling match to see the antics of the Striper, okay? Some people probably thought it was great to see HBK keeping the ropes out of reach while HHH languished in RVD's submission holds, but all it really did was make it look like HHH could only lose to RVD if the referee was on Rob's side. This is bad enough - but then they didn't even give RVD the win? Is HHH a face overcoming a stacked deck now?

Oh look, Victoria is going through everyone's bags in the chick's locker room, and runs afoul of Jackie. Vibrator jokes ensue. Jackie then waffles Vic against the lockers and storms off after challenging for a match that I'm likely going to use for a bathroom break. Non-title, Jackie's hometown. Who doesn't think she's going over? (crickets chirping) Right then.

And what the FUCK is wrong with Randy Orton? Every time I see him he's sweating like a frosted mug in August. I mean, he's DRIPPING... Last week I thought it was my imagination, but the guy must have some sort of glandular problem, because he was drenched from just sitting in the goddamn RESTAURANT? Interesting how they 'interrupted' him during his report to focus on Triple H, especially since I seem to recall the kid destroying Storm and Christian in the same night a few weeks ago to get you your stupid hat back, Ross. Way to give back to the young lions that will be paying your pension in their blood and sweat.

I also recall Orton stole Elix Skipper's 'Showtime' neckbreaker that night, and botched it the first try on Christian... Sometimes, live TV is good... Not that time, mind, but hey, if at first you don't succeed. But I digress... You gotta love these multi-generation pedigree athletes. Say, after this segment I think I'll eat some glass... Yeah, that should make me feel better. Much hooplah with Triple H and Shawn Michaels trying to make us forget they're best friends who shared lodging (and... other things) on the road... Shawn somehow gets the better of the Game in that little verbal fencing match (which is kinda the same level of achievement as beating the kid in the wheelchair at doubledutch), and Ric Flair wasn't even onscreen for most of it - despite being right behind the Game the whole time... That settles it, I gotta get a letterbox TV.

Again, do they think we'll forget Jeff Hardy if he gets a Raw off? Give the kid a night off! And Spike, too, because that table-eating trick he did at the hands of the Hard Luck Canucks was ungodly. UNgodly. I know the little dudes are just on the roster as fodder for the 'monsters' and all, but they're killing themselves for meager ratings and don't have medical. Where's all that concern for the boys you splash your Report with, Ross? Oh, right, wrong boys...

Even MORE ridiculous nonsense with 'British Bullshit' Steve Regal and the somehow still injured mush of Dreamer... I actually liked the guy as the Alliance Commissioner, but I'm REALLY not into the Power of the Punch deal. For chrissakes, break this team up before Lance Storm's career is ruined... Oh... Right... Oops.

Speaking of ruined careers... Was anyone at ALL surprised to see Stephie decide to get a 'leg up' (or two) on the free agent negotiations? I know I wasn't, but was glad it at least stopped Bischoff from creaming his jeans at the idea of seeing 'a genuine Scottie Steiner Supah-FREEK'... Did anyone else smirk when Stephie said she could give Steiner something Eric couldn't? If I were she, I wouldn't be so damned sure about it, as Eric's had more time to practice... Heh.

It may be the hate talking; but does 'Boomer Sooner' sound like a code phrase for premature ejaculation to anyone else?

Hey, I think I all but guaranteed a cheap laugh out of anyone that reads another Ross Report... This pleases me.

You're welcome. See you SOON.