Monday Night Sucks
Sunmitted 3-17-03

Hello, my intended...

So here I am checking out Raw, and I decided to toss into MNS this week. Hooray for you... Heh.

First off, it sucks we're going to war. We don't know Iraq has these weapons Dubya's so against. We sure can't find them. Here's a hint - check North Korea their next parade, fuckstick. They march 'weapons of mass destruction' down the street like Rose Bowl floats... Sheesh. Bad enough he stole the election, now he wants to destroy the world? Fucking Texans... I got your 'peacenik' swinging, Georgie.

Anyhoo.... Bischoff starts the show telling us he's the Main Event in a Lumberjack match against Austin, and the lumberjacks are gonna be the whole Raw roster. Moreover, if anyone doesn't 'do their job', they get fired. So much for Jeff Hardy getting a night off.... Welcome to StevenK's Deathwatch 2K3, and is it too late to join the office pool on 'When's the Dead Hardy'?

RVD and Kane curtain-jerking a solid month? Did somebody piss in HHH's cornflakes or something? They have a semi-decent match against the good half of Team CanEurism, whose teammate instead of Regal is the special St. Patrick's Day Wrestler, Chief O'Staff. The Burning Herbs clean house, and the Dudleyz run out and attack them while JR surmises the Dudleyz are tired of being suspended without pay... Yet they still manage to afford backstage tickets and a table every week...? The Dudleyz basically admit that while they're not pleased to be stuck 'joining the BIschoff Regime', it's their only choice to feed their families... Wait a second, I thought they were each other's families? Damn it, forgot the stupid pills this week, too...

Well, here's Duh Game with his Douchebag. HHH says Booker will never be a real champion jumping people from behind like he did last week. Guess he needs a sledgehammer when he does the backjump thing to be Champion Material - right, Beaker? As I recall it (and they showed it to us in replay) HHH was facing Booker when he got his head handed to him in the lavatory. Yeah, all the Champs have a hard time telling their back from their front - especially when they constantly talk out of their ass...

They're still beating the dead horse that Booker isn't fit to shine his shoes (without actually SAYING it, of course), and JR gushes about Cerebral Assassin and the usual 'trying not to get fired' blowjobbery. It's funny that there's two 'ass'es in assassin, idnit? Much funnier than the two in the ring right now... Hunter calls out Booker for a whuppin, but Goldust comes out instead. He's running the Tourette's thing, and HHH and Flair make like they find it hysterically funny every time Goldie stutters a line. You think that's a clue whose idea this abortion was? Hmmm... Hunter does a sorrier version of Tourette's than Dustin does, supposedly to mock him, and Goldust starts with the punching out the lights. But it's two on one, and they start thrashing Little Dust - but Booker runs out and it's bedlam. HHH tries to sell Booker 'getting over' on him again, which means he's not giving up SHIT at Wrestlemania, marks.

HBK busts into Stone Cold's locker room for a ton of pointless blabbery about who they might run into while doing their jobs tonight as lumberjacks... It's not very effective shilling of their Wrestlemania matches. Not at all.

Rock is approached by Teddy Long, who shows him that Hurricane's on the cover of Raw Magazine, despite the Rock returning to Raw just HAVING to be much more newsworthy. He offers Rodney Mack's services to handle Green Lantern's Biggest Fan, and Rock says okay.... Say, that should be a rip-snorting good match. Oh yeah. Forgot the stupid pills..

Rodney Mack... Berserker 2K3. Huss-huss-huss-huss-HOOO-HOO! Talk about your Tank Engines, eh?

Rock comes out and gets Mack DQed, and he destroys the little Sprout for good measure. Nothing says heel like 'sore loser', I suppose... Sigh.

Victoria doing a Gollum impersonation with 'Her Precious' Championship Belt. If it was even one-tenth as important to the scene as Vic's trying to get it across as, she'd still be the only one on earth that cared about it. Trish and Jazz have to team up in an inter-gender match against Vic and Steve-Muffin. Well, as long as both teams are even, why not? Heh. My smirk gets wider every time they say 'inter-gender match' with Jazz in Trish's corner... Trish gets beat up the whole time, but manages to do her usual spots before Vic and Steve start whippin' her ass with gusto. Trish tries to make the hot tag, but Jazz short-arms and then bails - leaving Trish to get waffled two on one.Vic gets the pin, and they decide to Stevie-T Trish onto a chair as an encore, and here comes Jeff to do that Lancelot thing. Hey, it worked this time, and he teases a Swanton onto Vic, but Steve pulls her clear. Right, like Hardy was gonna drop headfirst on boobies. The heels bail, and Hardy saves the day. Just out of curiosity, how the hell are we gonna believe Trish is in contention for the WC when she's gotta get her blue spandex ass saved by the likes of Hurricane and Hardy every week?

Huge waste of time video montage concerning HBK's Wrestlemania Legacy. It ends with Sean hoping there's more than one left in him... They cut to Coach asking Y2J how he feels about it, and he looks about as impressed as I am with the HBK WML. They then bring Christian in, and they have a tag match against Test and a mystery partner, but of course it doesn't matter WHO Test gets, right? Please don't pick Michaels... For the love of GOD, not Michaels...

Hey, it's Big Poppa Pump. I almost forgot he still worked there, and I vaguely remember him having some nonsense feud with the Hard Luck Canucks for about twenty minutes or so... Too bad Steiner's a shell of his former greatness, and Test is a shell of a Motley Crue door watcher. My gut says they beat the Canucks pillar to post. They do. What the hell? Test does the job out of nowhere, and I feel pretty dirty as I note they're actually re-enacting the Savage-Liz-Hogan Triangle... And where the hell does Test get off being jealous of Steiner catching Stacy falling off the apron when he spent last week surrounded by ta-tas?

Yay. Goldust versus the Game. That should be entertaining - but of course it won't be. This is about the worst match I've seen from either of these two in years, but Randy Orton makes a run-in from the crowd. Ross compares HHH to Harley Race for that running toe to the belly button that's supposed to be a high knee. I'm no fan of old Harley, but mentioning him in the same sentence as an ass pimple like Helmsley is something that oughta get Ross a barbecued skull-kicking.

The Rock doing a Sam Cooke song to piss off the locals is pretty lame all by itself, but this whole 'insult the town for cheap heat' is beneath him. For crying out loud, Duane, they had NOWINSKI doing that last month, and where's Harvard Geek now? Coincidence?

Hey, they showed Trish, Vic, and Jazz in the WM match list, and Ross called 'Trish, Jazz and Victoria'. Way to put over the chicks, Saucy.

Lumberjack time. Yay. Only one lumberjack, though...? And it's Morely. Yeah that's impressive. Is everyone fired but him?

For a black belt, Uncle Eric has some pretty pitiful stamping kicks. No wonder I don't take these karate mooks seriously. Bisch gets Stunnered, but SCSA gets hit low by Morley. Now it's a No-DQ Lumberjack match? Sheesh. Rock runs out and Stunners SCSA, and goes for the Whatever Elbow. SCSA has none of it, and Stunners everyone... Austin pins Bisch, and then gets Rock Bottomed. Rocky then takes a few of his beers, so I guess it's personal now... And it is. I'm personally very insulted by the whole production as a wrestling fan. What a fustercluck. Oh well, maybe they'll do something interesting next week...And maybe I'll get elected Pope.

And that's why MNS according to your old pal, Bobo...

You're welcome. See you SOON.