To Ye Weeping Spazzes
Orginally Posted 10-3-03

Hello, my intended...

Well, folks, it seems that there's some bad blood about my passing remarks regarding the dead Road Warrior Hawk...


In case nobody knows anything, there was a HUGE hue and cry amongst the internet scene regarding Vince 'not showing proper respect' a la montage to the guy that nobody knew was dead until that morning. I found such bilious whinging somewhat amusing for its abject lack of reasonability. It takes a bit of time to trawl through all those thousands of miles of tape to gather the proper pieces to create something with some 'reverence' to someone's passing, and everyone was pissed off that it wasn't done while they were busy dealing with putting on a live show that day. Sure, I guess they COULD have tossed a bunch of clips together from what was on hand and/or left over from the 'Looked Good on Paper' reels from the Raw 10th Anniversary, but that would be pretty much Rocco and the Drunks Fall Slower segments... Of course, I doubt that would have flown so hot either.

For the record, MrFiendish was never a fan of the Road Warriors. I also don't seem to be able to muster up much compassion for people that kill themselves through their own excesses (vis-a-vis 'lifestyle') or the side-effects of same. Nobody put a gun to anyone's head and made them take the juice. Not the first time, or any time afterward. That was a choice that they made, and they reaped the 'success' of said choices despite it leading inevitably to the 'drawbacks' of same - one of which being death. Personally, with all that's known and documented about the hazards of drug use, if you STILL fuck with them it's your problem. I won't judge you. I can't stop you. I sure as shit won't MOURN you. I'm certain it broke a bunch of hearts in a bunch of inner children who thought of that team as some sort of 'uber-cool superhero squad', but I was a bit older than most of these gushing Legionnaires were when the L.O.D. was a 'hot ticket' - and smarter. I shall now - as a service to those who don't know any better - debunk this alleged 'legacy'.

1) The Road Warriors were great wrestlers.

False. By their own admission, much of the time they were 'big' they had no idea how to work a match - let alone WRESTLE. They were simply told by Ole Anderson to just 'rough the other guys up' and 'if anybody complained, he could just get new guys for them to rough up'. I don't know about anyone else, but I find that distasteful. They got their 'mystique' by actually hurting people in the ring because THEY DID NOT KNOW HOW TO PROTECT THEIR OPPONENT. Furthermore, these hapless people were told in no uncertain terms to NOT retaliate, or (assuming the weren't injured in there) they would lose their jobs. Can't have anyone messing up the 'drawing power' by making them look bad, right? So the LOD steamrollers 'shoot' over guys that aren't allowed to try to work - or even defend themselves. Yes, that's worth cheering for - if you're retarded.

2) The Road Warriors were great champions.

Holding a lot of belts suddenly makes someone great? I'm sure Lawler and Zybysko are glad to hear it, but the sad truth is that the LOD didn't accomplish anywhere NEAR the level of impact most LOD-marks accredit to them. Holding three titles at once? Big Van Vader's done it, too. Then again, so has Lance Storm... Do note that the results of the matches are predetermined, in case you forgot or something...

3) The Road Warriors were innovators.

Riiiight. With names they stole from a crappy Mel Gibson movie (circa 1981) - or maybe you mean the one they stole from the Superfriends (circa 1978)? Hawk didn't even START his approximation of wrestling (aka: debut) until 1983 (Animal started in 1982). Oh, they wore tribal makeup? Big whoop, so did any number of tribal types at the time, such as Chief Jay Strongbow and etc... Perhaps you feel it's because people 'copied' them at the height of their popularity? Once again, wrong. Those that copied them were copies OF copies - not copies of innovators. Bottom line, they did NOTHING that wasn't done before - and WAY better than LOD could do it. So, what did they really do, kids? Discover steroids? No, even THAT was done before they showed up (by Superstar Billy Graham, IIRC) - and much better than they could have hoped to do it.

4) The Road Warriors were cool/scary.

Eh... Well, YMMV, but for me a couple dinks in modified football pads talking 'growly' isn't scary. Of course, I wasn't five years old when they were popular, either. As for them being 'cool', that was - as previously stated - largely due to their being allowed to actually whomp on people that weren't allowed to defend themselves if they wanted to keep feeding their families. Gee, when you look at it with the benefit of facts it turns out a bit different, huh? Oh, wait, I almost forgot what sort of people would actually cheer something like that. The Road Warriors were a total fabrication on every level. They were DESIGNED to be by-the-numbers cool to the 'normal' wrestling fan, which I am not. See, I have this thing called 'intelligence' that kinda gets in the way of stuff like the conditioned reflexes of the average mark. (Insert Boo. Insert Cheer. Repeat as needed.) Sorry, Dr. Pavlov, but you gotta WORK for me to give a crap. They couldn't. I didn't.

With this out of the way, I now urge you to enjoy your newfound enlightenment and move on. Sure, it's sad that the guy died, but when you consider it impartially he's just another notch on the handle of the drug culture. The sad part is that he's not going to be the last one... Not by half.

You're Welcome. See you SOON.