Presenting: Irony Man.

Originally Posted 11-7-02

Hello, my intended...

It's your old pal, here again in the blistering binary we turn to when all other forms of free entertainment aren't giving us our money's worth with a few observations designed to ricochet about in your little brainpan before dying of loneliness... Heh. That said, allow me to state that I officially bestow upon one Vincent K. McMahon Jr. the honorific designation of 'Irony Man'.

Let me explain. VKM has been stating all the time I've tuned in that he wants to be more than a wrestling show, and that's been nearly twenty years. It is because of this that when I eventually get to hell ol' Nick Scratch is gonna look at me and say, "Aw, man, another wrestling fan...? Like I can do anything to top what you've already been through. Just go sit in the corner or something, okay?"

As it stands, I have to worry about 'action' movies flooding the direct-to-video bins I can buy or rent when I can hardly be bothered to watch most of these people for free. This is why I had to deal with stuff like No Holds Barred. Because Vince wanted to be the Hollywood in Hollywood Hulk Hogan. You know, that line is funny all by itself... But I digress.

The sad fact of the matter is this: Vince is doing all he can to make his 'product' comparable to any other high-price production with a locked in fanbase. So when nobody makes said comparisons, HE will as you will note he has compared the product to Sopranos, CSI, Six Feet Under and an assortment of other shows that are NOTHING like his in either content or entertainment value - which is to say, they are considered 'good' by most of the people who regularly watch them. You don't really need me to tell you what a stellar success THAT campaign has been, since you're here reading the scathing reviews/opinions of people that DO watch his products regularly in an attempt to (finally) be entertained.

What it boils down to is he's pitchng the coolness of counter-culture TO a counter-cultural audience. This, ironically, (notice the theme yet?) makes the target audience react in their natural contrary fashion and REJECT the offered counter-culture en masse. The irony herein being that the 'edgier' and 'more extreme' he tries to make the product in order to lure in the edgy, extreme-type viewers, the more they stay away in droves. And as a side effect, those of us that stuck with what we loved whether it was largely believed cool or not are being chased away with them.

One would be hard-pressed to find a better working definition of 'irony'.

VKM has always wanted his stuff to be seen not as 'rassling' but rather as 'entertainment'. To accomplish this (this time) he's hired the 'best' writers (that couldn't get a job scripting infomercials) in Hollywood to usher the product out of the 'cheap, carnie pidgeonhole' and make it 'edgier' and eventually 'profitable'. Vince has always hated the carnie roots of the rasslin' world, and has been ice-skating uphill ever since to 'legitimize' it as entertainment 'for more than just trailer trash and internet geeks'.

I just love it when he sweet-talks us... Heh.

So he tries to give us (the 18-35 crowd) what he (the 50-59 crowd) thinks we want to coax all us folks with liquid assets to fritter them away on the latest DVD or PPV as well as make each other 'cool by mutual association'. Yhe theory here is that we'll cheerfully pay $50 for a t-shirt to show everyone how much we love cool things and help convert others to join in the fun. Kind of like how a roach takes the poison back to infect the other roaches and kill all of them; only with the roach paying the Orkin Man for the honor. Everybody wins. Well, everybody that matters... Heh.

Do note that I have YET to sink a NICKEL on anything WWE related (in the way of accoutrement, anyway) even from a thrift store. You want free advertising? I understand. Everyone wants something for nothing. You want ME to pay YOU to give YOU free advertising? Go pound sand.

The problem here, ironically, is people who TRY to be cool never succeed. Ever. You've seen it, I'm sure... The little suburban wonders (as in bread) decked out 'Ghetto Fabulous' via JC Penney and discussing 'Phat' things with 'they dogz'... Way to represent, DJ Trevor. Today's Word to Your Momma is: MORON.

Bottom line: Acting Cool and Being Cool are on opposite ends of the Cool Spectrum. Shakespeare said it best: This thing above all - to thine own self be true. If you're ashamed enough of what you are or what you enjoy to try to change it to something you perceive as 'better', you're not 'making yourself cool' unless you're a raging alcoholic, degenerate gambler, drug-abuser or something, but I digress...

The greater irony here is that he already HAS a product that is EXACTLY like the Hollywood Action Model (HAM, amusingly enough) he so desperately wants to become. Don't believe me? Look at the latest crop of action movies due out (or eagerly anticipated, depending on who you ask), and who stars in them. 'Terminator 3', starring a nearly sixty year old Arnold Schwarzenegger and 'Half Past Dead' starring an 'even looks fat in a baggy orange jumpsuit' Steven Seagal. Now consider all these other action movies out today or recently that have starred Sly Stallone, Kurt Russell, and etc. Consider all the Action TV shows starring David Carradine, Chuck Norris, and so forth... Now consider those seven guys add up to nearly six hundred years - and if you count Bronson and Eastwood they threaten the EIGHT hundred mark. Can you see the simile?

If you guessed 'The same handful of guys desperately hanging on to an image that nobody believes anymore', give yourself a Horowitz.

As a bonus, I present to you the following:

The Irony Man Theme Song.
(Sung to 'Particle Man' by They Might Be Giants)
((Like I Had to Tell You))

Irony Man. Irony Man,.
Books on the fly but pretends there's a plan...
Are fans entertained?
It's not Important.
Irony Man.

Is he a nut? Or is he much worse?
Shovelling drek while the 'core fans all curse.
You gotta ask: What goes through his head?
Nobody knows.
Irony Man.

HLA Man. HLA Man.
Irony Man hates HLA Man.
Gave him a job to give him the blame.
HLA Man.

Quadracep Man. Quadracep Man.
Banging the daughter of Irony Man.
Any fool can see the plan
Of Quadracep Man.

He can't draw a dime. Everyone knows.
He kills all the heat at all of the shows...
He talks all the time. Says nothing at all.
Dropped another ball,
Irony Man.

HLA Man. HLA Man.
HLA Man hates Quadracep Man.
But gives him a belt and gives him free rein...
Playing the Game,
HLA Man?

Internet Man. Internet Man.
Asking himself 'why he still wastes his time?'
And then asking others by going online.
Internet Man.

Is he a dope? Or is he a boob?
For staying and watching it go down the tube;
Then daring to ask "Who is to blame?"
While knowing the name:
Irony Man.

Irony Man. Irony Man.
Irony Man hates Internet Man.
They have a fight. Irony wins.
We Jobbed for the sins
Of Irony Man.

You're welcome. See you SOON.