On Fine Art and Hard Knocks

Hello, my intended....

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to say unequivocably, that I have a lot of respect for the Funk Brothers; Dory Junior, and Terry. They really remind me of my own family, with most of my brothers being Terry, and me being 'the stable one'.

And that's JUST as scary as it SOUNDS.

Terry was always my hero though, as a ruthless badass back in the day that would do anything - whether it hurt him or not, as long as he thought it would hurt YOU more. It's that sort of 'don't give a fuck if you kill me cuz you're coming WITH' attitude that shaped much of my 'personal' style. Believe it when I tell you people reconsider their stances when I ask them 'Are you trying to make this personal?' and do so at JUST shy of Warp Eight.

Terry also ran my favorite interview segment of all time, suggesting to the Steiners that it would be fun to 'go on out to woods and eat some bugs' - and them AGREEING, even suggesting 'Hey, you could be a Steiner!' Terry told them he'd love to, but he already sent in his dues to the Human Race, and Rick (being Rick) said, 'Okay, maybe next year?'. BTW, I will pay MONEY for that segment, if anyone has it.

Not since George Steele has anyone been THAT hilariously retarded while packing a college degree. Here's hoping Scottie throws you a rope, Brother Gremlin, because God knows I'd love to see THAT set of brothers go against the two sets of brothers going at it now (Hardy and Dudley, for the slow class).

The other side of the spectrum was Dory Jr. Battle-hardened, intensively trained, and surprisingly eloquent. Kinda strikes me as how I'd be in another thirty years or so, assuming I don't get shot or anything... So you can tell that I hold Dory Jr. in high regard as one of the last of the great names that protected the business as much as he could, and would have NEVER been in the sort of situation the 'other' great ones of their times are presently in... Look at how Flair and Hogan are being dragged through the shit for their 'last run', and if you know even one thing about Dory, you know he wouldn't get into anything like that for a dump truck full of money... You know Dory would NEVER have allowed the sort of nonsense that is currently going on (The Necro-Love, the JungleAss Wedding), as much as you know that whole 'Chainsaw Charlie' debacle really broke his heart - though to protect the business he never says so about either.

So knowing what he does about the business in the past, and seeing the state of the business in the present, the Gunslinger (one of the strangest nicknames for a bare-handed wrestler ever, at least until you consider his family calls him 'Dunk') would likely do all he could to try and groom the next generation to be more... Grounded. Not to say thay he'd see to it that highspots would be sacrificed for mat wrestling, no, but he WOULD see to it that the 'new talent' would definitely have a little more goddamn chops than anything coming out of that deplorable MTv Embarrassment that calls itself 'Tough Enough'.

Here's a show that produces people that have no goddamn business thinking they're God's Gift to wrestling just because they 'survived' a five-month television crash-course. And then, when they finally make it to the 'show', they ABSO-TIVELY, POSI-LUTELY suck the donkey. For chrissakes, Van Hammer did better. When Nowinski is the most 'over' of all the TE grads - and he was a Runner UP - you can tell that someone's REALLY dropping the ball on the mentor side of things. Nothing against DeMott or Snow, but as a one-time aspiring 'student' of the grap-game, I'd rather be tutored by someone that, I dunno, was SUCCESSFUL. Call it a preference. The only reason they used Snow as a trainer was because they couldn't get him over. Ever. Not even with Mick Foley, who - besides giving Hunter the appearance of being tough by laying down for him every chance he got - actually elevated a DIRTY SOCK to the point it had it's own T-SHIRT. I mean, when you can't get a rub-off from Mick frickin' FOLEY, then it's time to re-examine your career. PAST time.

So they bring Snow in to job for the TE kids because, well, it's pretty fucking ridiculous to ask anyone that busted their balls for YEARS to get to the national show to turn around and piss it all away getting punked by the five-month grads - especially for ones that DIDN'T graduate, like Harvard Geek (again, in all fairness, he made it to the finals before 'E' as in everybody, 'L' as in Loves, Maven). I mean, if you wanna know how most of the 'boys' in the business feel about these 'kids', you have but to look here, as Lash LeRoux (remember him?) surprisingly shows us all...

Snow's always been a dropkick away from working for food, and him jobbing to the 'kids' pretty much proves it. I love you, Al, even when you were trying to tell us you were Japanese in the ECW that week (cute gi you had on, there - Heh), but c'mon, man. You're not even as over as S.D.Jones. The only people popping for you are fans of the MTv show, and a few of us that remember your run in ECW... What the hell do you need? God to write 'Al, Enough is Enough. Pack it up.' in flaming letters across the sky?

You'd probably shrug and say, "He probably means Torrie's dad, or the Hip Hop Hippo. Couldn't mean ME... Nah..."

Now Hugh Morrus is trying to tell the kids all they need to make it in the business, and is helped by Bob Holly about as much as Snow was. And you wonder why one of them was gonna jump? Hell, I wonder why MORE don't... Maybe have all of them march out on 'this bullshit' as a group, leaving the whole works in the lurch for the next ten or twenty episodes (and renewal negotiations). That would rock.

Holy SHIT, that would ROCK!

People, do I think a Reality TV show about learning the business could get ratings? Hell, yes. I just wish they ran one... I'm just waiting - praying, even - for someone to get a fucking clue; ESPN, for example. Wouldn't it be a laugh and a half if someone did a Reality TV show on learning wrestling that not only did better ratings than Tough Enough, but Raw and Smackdown? Who doesn't think it would? There are no shortages of legitimate schools out there you could use... The Monster Factory, The Funking Conservatory, Killer Kowalski's Wrestling School, Hart Brother's Wrestling School, and a PILE of others... Well, maybe not the Hart's, considering...

As a deal, have the TV station contribute to the CURRENT student's tuitions, and give the teacher final say on who gets in - just like it always should be. Can you believe MTv screens the applicants? Then watch a Gayda match... Yeah, she's cute and shit, but - hey, that says it all, huh?

Strangely, I had intended this article to shake a stern admonition to Dory Funk Jr. for perhaps getting them a bit TOO young... Lookit disere! Pretty sad when you consider the two cheesecakes bookending the fat loserfish with the plastic phallic symbol are FIFTEEN years old, ain't it? I suppose you've already gotten a 'Thank You' letter from Lawler, along with an offer of sponsorship for either or both the Puppettes...

C'mon, Dory, with wrestling in the state it's in, I expect better of you. You couldn't find a singlet or something for them? Maybe a leotard? You didn't have to have them take pictures as representatives of the future looking like a fucking Jerry Springer guest panel, brother. You have the high ground already. KEEP it. Don't go down that road with Vince and company. I can only assume Tough Enough is what got you to stop being part of Vince's crew, since you and your charges are showing up on NWA-TNA and Wildside these days...

That's the sort of rectitude you personify to me, and many others in the sport/business.

There are too many people whose names used to command respect in this business that went and threw it all away for a cheap pop and a quick payday, and you know it better than I do. I'm going to chalk that 'fresh cake bit' up as a momentary loss of perspective and hope like hell you don't do it again...

Because we need people in the business that care about it. People of integrity that deserve respect. Especially now.

Stay one of those people, Gunslinger.

You're welcome. See you SOON.