Heil, Heil, The Gang's All Here...

Originally Posted 7-2-04

Hello, my intended...

Because I'm bored this evening, I decided to look around and see if there was anything interesting out there in wrestling that I can rake over the coals to stay in practice... As luck would have it, I found this from our esteemed Smackdown Champion. I'll be offering 'translation' of his statements or commentary on them as I see fit, and some of it might get a bit offensive to you gentle readers. If I do offend you, please note that I really couldn't care less about your little feelings or ideologies and probably never will.

Disclaimer: These views are those of John Bradshaw Layfield, and not necessarily those of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.

Translation: Do not boycott or sue us just because we hired this stupid fuckstick and let him type up articles now and then. Pretty please.

The Great American Bash. I can't wait. I have had a ton of Bull Rope Matches in my career, but none bigger than this. In fact, the rope I will be bringing will be the same rope I used for more than a decade, from my days in Austria and Germany working for Otto Wanz and Peter William.

Translation: You don't get to be rich like me by throwing away stuff you can use again later... Sure, a wheeler-dealer like me knows that rope only costs about 30 cents a foot, but that's... (begins tapping calculator) a couple bucks I can invest elsewhere. Like in WWe stock, which is on the rise. Now watch me count to one... a couple times.

Speaking of Germany, I would like to address one thing. I shouldn't address anything, but I will anyway.

Translation: One.

I had a great time on Howard Stern's radio show.

Translation: One.

I believe Stern has been shafted by the media.

Translation: One.

If you have a person like Howard and that person stays within the rules of censorship, then you can't complain about him. Change the rules, but don't complain about someone exploring the boundaries of those rules.

Commentary: The FCC Code of Standards and Practices is 'censorship'? Technically, no. One can test the boundaries all they like, provided they're willing to pay the fines. We call this 'taking responsibility for your actions' here on Planet Earth. Howard's distibutors, ultimately responsible for paying these fines, pulled him from several markets as a pre-emptive measure to protect themselves once the House and Senate 'changed the rules' to have much more severe fines than previous so that they wouldn't be beat up if the President signed it in. Paying a couple thousand now and then for a few f-bombs or similar was bad enough, but once they'd cranked it up to a max of three million a day, they decided Howard wasn't 'worth it'. A media company making a business decision regarding what could be a HUGE financial liability is hardly tantamount to 'the media shafting him'.

Whatever you think about the content of Howard's show, you have to agree he is a genius. Howard has done the same shtick for years; it is nothing new. What is different is his outspoken political views, and I think he is being punished by people with opposite views.

Translation: Do note that I say he's a genius for doing the same schtick for years. Just like ME.

You can't come out after Janet Jackson and create new rules of conduct and then make them retroactive; it simply is not right.

Commentary: I agree that this is superficially correct, BUT the fines they threatened Stern and his distributors with were not to be retroactive - they were for breaking the 'new' rules of conduct still to be adopted into law, much less enforced. Howard was a bit bothered that 'what he used to get away with' could cause a huge amount of fines and started bitching and crying to any microphone he could, and the media rightfully sneered at him for reversing his highly touted 'damn the man' stance - then pretty much dismissed him. Let's remember that this was the guy that for YEARS boasted, "I'm a multi-millionaire - I'll pay whatever fine they can throw at me." If Stern were truly the genius that Bradshaw and his remaining fans claim, he could easily fit within the new rules - but that would mean 'changing his schtick' and I suppose stopping being a genius according to Bradshaw.

Sadly, Stern hasn't been on the cutting edge for a long time, and his fanbase has been steadily shrinking mostly BECAUSE he's still doing the same schtick he's been doing for years. Much like WWe. Do further note that Stern threatened to quit if the rules were signed into law - and then chickened out so he wouldn't be sued by Viacom for breaking his contract. One other thing of interest is Stern vowed to 'deliver swing votes to Kerry' over this issue, and his latest legal troubles have brought about an increase in his audience after years of stagnancy.

A number of years ago, WWE was attacked in the same way by people in the media.

Commentary: Um, no. Stern's never been under the gun for drug-trafficking. Stern's never presented illegal drug users as heroes to children. Stern's never presented psychotics, junkies, or racists as anything but objects of ridicule. Not QUITE the same, as you can easily see once you pull your head out of your ass and wipe the shit out of your eyes..

We not only stayed within the rules, we never portrayed certain things and stayed away from using household items because we had a social conscientiousness that most shows didn't. Yet we were attacked. If you don't like the content, like these people claimed, you should argue against the rules, not people abiding by those very rules.

Commentary: Certain things such as? I don't remember any other shows showing their social conscientiousness by presenting a necrophilia sketch or rolling a one-legged kid in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs. Not even South Park. However, your stance is flawed as follows: Rather than argue against the rules when they don't like the content, these people - and millions just like them - changed the fucking channel and never looked back.

Just because you personally do not like something, you can't impose your will on other people, which is what is great about America.

Commentary: Talked to Rob Reiner lately? He might have a couple ideas about that fancy cigar, John... So would New York, New York; Wildwood, New Jersey, and many other cities that have decided to impose their will on other people.

Now back to Germany. I find it incredulous that people feel like the actor Anthony Hopkins would in any way be culpable of what Hannibal Lecter did simply because he portrayed Lecter in "The Silence of the Lambs." It is insane.

Commentary: As well as a complete fucking lie he made up to help make his half-assed point.

However, what I would like to correct -- and believe me, this is my last word (until my next word) - is the assumption that what I did is illegal. It is not illegal. Now before you start citing examples, trying to make claims that I am wrong, let me explain. It is specifically covered that acts done for the purpose of art (as in entertainment) are not illegal. When Arnold Schwarzenegger shoots up a police station in "The Terminator," it is not illegal because it is a movie (entertainment). This is specifically covered by German law. So "Hogan's Heroes" (a TV comedy set in Germany during World War II) or "The Producers" (a movie-turned-Broadway-play with references to Nazis and Hitler) would be allowed to air there because they are entertainment.

Commentary: It was many years after they'd been accepted as 'brilliant comedy' the world over before Hogan's Heroes or The Producers were allowed to be shown in Germany - in heavily digitally edited form (guess which parts they took out, whydontcha?). He kinda makes it seem like the German people immediately accepted them for what they were without a single complaint, hmm? Totally erroneous, John, but what else is new?

This act done for political reason is illegal; however, entertainment is specifically exempt.

Translation: Now, if we can only get someone to believe any match I'm in is classifiable as entertainment we'll be home free.

Now, on to much more important matters, like Saudi Arabia. The royal kingdom is in trouble; they are in a danger of losing their kingdom to Osama bin Laden's edict on war against them. Corruption is very deep within the royal family; these terrorists have exposed that to everyone.

Commentary: Especially all those terrorists that used Saudi oil money (primarily from America) to train Saudis on how to fly big ol' jet airliners into buildings, hmm?

We have to have the Saudi's help in exterminating these bad guys. These brutal senseless killings show what kind of subhuman people these animals are. They have to be dealt with.

Commentary: Maybe they could use some of those thousands of WMDs they've found in Iraq on these bad guys? That should bring them in line, eh?

I get very upset that our media care so much to cover the Abu Ghraib prison scandal and make such a big deal out of it.

Commentary: It is a big deal. Islam has very strict rules regarding nudity and sexuality that the occupation forces ignored for the sake of - to quote Rush Limbaugh, "blowing off steam". When you consider these are already people that don't have a fucking problem blowing themselves up to get a few of us, tactical sensibility all but demands one avoid undue agitation.

I believe those who did those things were wrong and should be dealt with. But please, to compare that to these beheadings is ridiculous.

Commentary: It is not a comparison. It is simple cause and effect. How many civilians were being beheaded BEFORE the story broke on all the fun in Abu Ghraib? Coincidence? Hardly.

We have our guys fighting and dying over there daily; we should find a way to support them better.

Commentary: By bringing them home, maybe?

The way to support them is not to undermine them with unnecessary negative press, which we have done.

Translation: It's better to pretend nothing 'serious' happened and that - despite voluminous evidence to the contrary - we're still valorous knights on white horses saving the day, which I have done.

I even heard a congressman claim that Abu Ghraib was the worst atrocity in the history of our country. Come on. What about the Indians?

Translation: How low can I sink? Just watch!

What about slavery?

Translation: Texas still had it for a couple years after Lincoln made his Emancipation Proclamation. Fun times I'm sorry I missed by not having been born yet...

What about 9/11?

Translation: What about ME? What about BRADSHAW? When can I talk about ME?

We have to define who the bad guy is here, and it is not the other party.

Translation: Unless that other party starts with a 'D'...

It reeks of partisanship to use tragedy to try to get your guy elected.

Translation: Not at all like us Republicans hijacking Reagan's corpse - against the wishes of Nancy, I might add - by asking to re-elect Bush in order to 'win one for the Gipper'.

It is not just the Democrats. Bill Clinton's book comes out and the only thing talked about is Monica.

Commentary: Among other things he did...

The whole idea of taking a president to prosecution over an affair is ridiculous.

Commentary: Which party got THOSE wheels turning, John?

I know he lied under oath, which people have gone to jail for, but why was he under oath to begin with?

Commentary: Wasn't he sworn in as President? Like every other President?

Let the man run the country first; prosecute him after he leaves office.

Commentary: Hell of an idea, John. We might even have someone to try that out on pretty soon... Assuming he doesn't get killed, of course. In hindsight, removing 'lifetime Secret Service protection for ex-Presidents in order to save tax money' wasn't a very hot idea for our buddy Dubya, hmmm?

I am sick of seeing America divided by personal agenda and the moral police. This reeks of hypocrisy. Do things that benefit America first.

Translation: Unless it's feeding the hungry, supporting the elderly, or making sure everyone in the country has basic medical coverage.

We have a great country, but we have some real idiots who should just shut up, Michael Moore being one of them.

Commentary: And you, John, being the rest of the Top Ten. By yourself.

Spend some of your time talking about the good things that our armed forces are doing.

Translation: Such as shooting and killing unimportant brown-colored people and taking their oil....

Hope you enjoy the pay-per-view. I think you will like the Bull Rope Match.

Translation: Unless you'd rather see someone win that deserves it - then you're pretty much fucked.

There is so much to do that you don't realize at first glance.

Translation: Like suing TV Guide for calling me a dummkopf in their Cheers and Jeers bit.

Dick Murdoch right now is smiling down on me.

Translation: Which while he was alive was usually followed by him whipping out his cock for me to admire. I miss Dick.

Don't forget to watch the best looking lady on FOX News, Meredith Whitney, this weekend.

Translation: Maybe she can get me a job there, since I'm fucking her now...? Think Levesque is the only 'student of the game'? Ha!

Hey, that was fun! I forgot how much I loved doing this kind of shit when Ross was the 'giant shit magnet' for us smart-alecky internet bastards. Hope you enjoyed it, too. I might even do it again, sometime...

You're welcome. See you SOON.