Stupid Arsenal

Originally Posted 7-9-04
Hello, my intended...

Once again, I've decided to dole out the ol' J.R. Treatment to what's becoming 'the New Guy in the Cowboy Hat That Talks Out of His Ass', our Smackdown Champion... Now, folks, it's not that I hate this Layfield guy. Truth be told I'm totally indifferent to him as a performer or a person, but I really miss hosing off WWe's Spokespeople since Ross 'got a case of the limber tail' and most of the writers they've hired over there are so shitty that it's not even fun tearing them up. Not that this guy is much better, mind, but at least he's fun to tear up.

I believe I am going to change my article’s name to “The Champ’s Report.” I know a lot of you are very, very happy for me. I hate to say “I told you so” but … well you know the rest.

Translation: Vince got mad when the TV Guide made fun of me for getting fired at CNBC over that Germany thing without actually identifying the WWe, so he put the strap on me to piss everyone off. Jeer THAT TV Guide.

I am so proud that we have a champion that represents Americans so well.

Translation: Loudmouthed self-congratulatory morons are PRECISELY the sort of people we need to represent America... Especially in the International Community.

After all, I am what most of you would love to be, the epitome of the American dream.

Comment: Dusty Rhodes does a spit-take...

So thank you all for your kind words and support.

Translation: Both of them.

I do have to say that I was pleased with the Texas Bull Rope Match.

Translation: Especially the screwjob at the end where we fucked over that Chicano everyone likes... Remember when the referee's decision was final?

I delivered again, as I always do. However, after two horribly black eyes and many stitches, I am not sure I am looking forward to the Cage Match in just over a week. I am sure, though, that once again, I will deliver. Isn’t it great to have a guy who you know will always deliver when he says he will?

Comment: Yep. I've got three, myself... A paperboy, a Fed-Ex driver, and a mailman. Nice how the Smackdown Champ considers this the sort of company he belongs in, eh?

I got to see my pal Hermie Sadler, the NASCAR driver, last week, but he left before we could indulge in a few adult beverages.

Translation: And it was his turn to buy, too.

I will put up a link for my radio show this week. I really enjoy doing radio.

Translation: Mom says I have a face made for it. Thanks, Mom.

This past week I had a guest, Greg Palast, that had written an article entitled, “Conman, Killer, Coward, Good Riddance, Gipper” the day after Ronald Reagan died. The first question I asked him was if he thought this timing was appropriate; no matter what he thought about Reagan, I thought this showed absolutely no class.

Comment: On that I have to agree with JBL. Reagan was certainly no saint, but you could at least wait until he's settled into the ground before you take a shit on his grave. A week or so would have been a suitable wait, out of respect for the dead. The article in question is a trifle mean-spirited, but contains more accuracies per line than just about anything either from Fox News or Mr. Layfield. I note you don't expound on how 'classy' it was that Reagan wasn't even properly buried before the Republicans tried to 'use his legacy' for Dubya's Re-Election bid, or that Bush continued campaigning while Kerry took time off out of respect for a fallen President.

He wouldn’t answer; he went into a diatribe about how Reagan had killed nuns and priests and had urinated on a priest’s grave. I am not making this up.

Comment: Neither was he, John. However, he forgot to mention that Reagan was a snitch for the McCarthy Witch-Hunts.

He then went on to the Iranian hostages and how Reagan was such a coward in dealing with Ayatollah Khomeini. When I corrected him with a couple of facts, he hung up.

Translation: Facts like: Reagan didn't deal with Iran - he dealt with (as in sold weapons to) Iraq. OLIVER NORTH dealt with Iran. Everybody made out, and nobody was hurt... Well, nobody IMPORTANT anyway.

This is what is wrong with some of our media, they hide behind a typewriter and write whatever without being accurate, yet when called on the carpet, because they are wrong, they run and hide.

Translation: You should always just get loud and threaten to beat up the reporter when faced with 'where they are/have done wrong" like my hero Mr. McMahon always does.

Wait a minute sounds like some of our Internet “reporters.”

Translation: See how cleverly I suggest that the internet writers are all wrong? Them thinking I'm boring, talentless, or a 'complete embarrassment to the title the likes of which hasn't been seen since Arquette's reign' is therefore also wrong; just like you said, Mr. McMahon.

No wait, those guys aren’t important enough to be on a talk show.

Comment: Unless you count the ones that HAVE talk shows.

OK, now you guys are mad at me again because I told the truth.

Comment: When? Telling the truth doesn't make people mad, John. You should try it. It's fun.

Please remember, I’m not talking about our average fan, just you few guys who think you are “reporters” but never have any facts.

Comment: I'm not a reporter, John. I'm an op-columnist. However, my opinions are BASED ON facts. I suppose I could use circular logic like you do and work backwards from a dumbass pre-conception, but I prefer to NOT look like a fucking idiot.

How about people who are worried about whether we’re treating Saddam Hussein fairly, yet don’t worry about our guys being beheaded? When was he treated badly? After his physical or his last warm meal? Give me a break. Please quit the partisan crap and do whatever we have to do to make sure our troops have everything they need.

Translation: After all, 120 trillion bucks is really just peanuts... We can do better. Let's cut some more social programs to show how committed we are to victory.

I saw where Michael Moore said in England that Americans had to be the dumbest people on the planet. Also, in his last book (page 67 and 68) he said that the reason we dislike France is because they are smarter than us, better read and more sophisticated.

Translation: And don't even get him STARTED on those nerdy Asians...

So for those of you who believe in Michael Moron, ask yourself if you are indeed as dumb as he says you are.

Translation: The answer is of course 'No' because Michael Moore is a fatty and a dumb-dumb head.

This guy hates America, and he is calling all of America stupid. This is a direct quote.

Translation: Not the hating America thing, the stupid thing. I'd hate to put words in other folks' mouths, but I'm pretty sure nobody will be smart enough to notice I did anyway...

I don’t mind a liberal voice -- I believe in free speech -- but I prefer a voice that still believes in the country that they live in.

Comment: He likes me? He really likes me? Guess I better not drop the soap, huh?

If you hate it here, then just get out.

Translation: Just like all the American corporations are doing because they hate paying taxes or living wages to their workers.

But don’t make money off of America and then tell people how you hate the very same country. What a piece of garbage.

Translation: Saudi Arabians are the exceptions to this statement, of course. Keep that oil coming, fellas.

For those of you from different countries who wonder if I like America better than your country, the answer is yes.

Translation: Germany, I'm looking at you now...

If I didn’t like it better, I wouldn’t live here. I hope you feel the same about your country; if you don’t, then you are doing your country an injustice by staying.

Translation Love it or leave it! I can't stress that enough. It's snappy and I think it should be on a bumper sticker.

I have no problem saying I am biased to where I live; I think everyone should be biased to their home.

Translation: So when those fancy reporters talk about all the bad stuff we important folks do and call it 'objective reporting', I get all steamed. Lucky I don't have to worry about that kind of stuff over at Fox News. 

I truly believe that George W. Bush could be running against the devil right now and the poll numbers would be the same.

Translation: God help us if they ever figure out the devil's already GOT the job.

There is just a polarizing effect with our president. John Kerry is not the answer, but people – or at least the Democrats out there -- don’t care.

Translation: The silly fools actually want a President that will serve the whole country instead of a few businesses run by his friends. That's not how the system is supposed to work, people!

First it was the economy; now the economy is roaring so they say it is Iraq.

Comment: Roaring? Into the crapper, maybe... I wonder what Ross Perot would say about YOUR 'giant sucking sound'? Heh.

Now Bush has done everything the international community wanted.

Translation: As long as it wasn't, y'know, DON'T invade a country we have no actual proof of being 'out to get us', but why bother with facts when there's money to be made, right?

He handed sovereignty to the Iraqis, he encouraged NATO and the inept U.N. to get involved. So what can you complain about now? He has answered every argument with solutions.

Translation: And if those solutions make him and his buddies a couple trillion bucks at the cost of a few thousand American lives, so what? Can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, y'know.

The U.N. is an inept group. We tried to get them to back up their own resolution, and they wouldn’t do it. We had no choice but to go with those that were willing to defend freedom.

Translation: That sounds so much better than 'invade a nation we kinda, sorta thought could maybe be out to get us someday', doesn't it?

Also, remember that we had intelligence from Russia that Iraq was planning to attack us.

Translation: And we all know that Russia wouldn't want us to look bad after all we've done for them...

You say they hadn’t attacked us yet, OK, after Pearl Harbor why did we attack Germany?

Comment: We attacked Japan, John. We only helped England and Russia attack Germany afterwards...

North Vietnam never attacked us, yet John F. Kennedy sent our forces in.

Comment: That was Lyndon Johnson, John. The first American combat troops arrived in Vietnam on March 8, 1965. Kennedy had been dead more than a year by then. Kennedy only sent a few thousand troops to assist the South Vietnamese Counterinsurgency Effort - mostly through training their soldiers, but we did pitch in on a few border guards...

Korea never attacked, us yet we attacked them.

Comment: Not precisely, John. Harry Truman, on June 26, 1950, ordered our forces to ASSIST South Korea's effort to resist an invasion by Communist North Korea. It was later Douglas MacArthur that made an ass of himself trying to 'win the war' when he was just put there to help out South Korea's resistance. A goofup that cost him his job on April 11, 1951.

Bosnia never attacked us, yet Bill Clinton attacked them.

Comment: That was NATO, John. May 24, 1995. Bill sent some troops to help, seeing as the USA is a part of NATO and all, but it was much later - December 3, 1995 to be precise.

Bush has done everything the world community has wanted recently. So the question would be, what do you fault him for now?

Comment: And the answer would be: Getting Americans killed in an unnecessary war he started pretty much just to make some money for his friends - and outdo his daddy, of course.

I truly believe that President Jacques Chirac (of France) just hates Bush and will do whatever he can to undermine our effort. The problem with Chirac is that his approval rating at home is awful, and he will have a hard time keeping his job. Also, France has a huge Muslim population; this is another example of a politician governing based on polls and not what is best for his country.

Translation: His country would run SO much smoother if he'd get a clue and just start killing off those Muslims, like we're doing.

Kerry and Bush at home are trying very hard to get the religious vote, especially the Catholic vote; there are 65 million Catholics in the U.S.

Translation: That's right, Catholics, a vote for Bush is a vote for God... You like God, don't you? Sure you do!

Bush has been to visit the Pope three times.

Translation: But he still can't make ol' John Paul understand that this war was necessary. The senile old fart can't recognize God's Will when it's right there in front of his face! Maybe we should just replace him, like we did with Saddam?

Kerry has been threatened with refusal of communion for his pro-choice views.

Translation: Because disagreeing with the church is a SIN, and we don't want no sinners in the White House. Well, no NEW ones...

So the line between church and state is blurred even further.

Translation: It'll be gone once we get a Pope that agrees with us in there... Y'know, I hear there might be weapons of mass destruction getting stockpiled over there in Vatican City. Why do you think they don't let us in their basements?

The Catholic church is getting involved in politics, and the politicians are involving the church.

Translation: That's what I'm talking about! A return to times when things worked like they should! Just look at all the success THAT's been all throughout history... Wait.

I understand being religious -- over 70 percent of voters say religion is important -- but I believe that they are using religion for political motives.

Comment: That's why it's called the Religious Right, John. Ask Falwell if you don't believe me.

To all our troops out there, we celebrated July 4th because you guys have kept us free.

Translation: And your sacrifices will keep some of us rich. Blood on the Sand = Cash in our Hand. It's the American Way.

Come home safe because you guys deserve to celebrate your own freedom.

Translation: Just not TOO soon, though, because we've still got a lot of Enron money to recoup.

Wow, this guy gets worse every week, huh? And here I thought it was just as a wrestler... Folks, I don't particularly think politics and wrestling mix, and I have thought so since Duane 'The Rock' Johnson appeared at the 2000 Republican National Convention here in Philadelphia. Why? Because wrestlers simply aren't people you can take seriously in matters of politics. Think about it as I float out some examples...

"Well, I'm not certain this guy has experience enough to do a good job; but then again, Carl the Crusher likes him..."

"It's like Burt Bonesaw says, brother. You gotta run on your record - or run FROM it."

"I would've voted for that guy, but Professor Lugnut says he's soft on Gun Control."

Perhaps NOW you understand why I consider 'Smackdown Your Vote' a ridiculous laughingstock? Now you can laugh, too...

You're welcome. See you SOON.