Boomer Sayonara!

Originally Posted 1-4-03

Well, folks, I've been strolling about this wide expanse of blistering binary we call home, and I just HAD to make some noise about Good Ol' J.R. hanging up the Resistol Hat on the Ross Report... Join me now...

Greetings from under the black 200x Resistol hat ... for the last time in the Ross Report.

(Champagne popping) Oh, say it ain't so, Jimmy! Say it ain't so... Heh.

"I am still feeling very happy and proud of my Oklahoma Sooners football team after having the privilege of being on the sideline for OU's Rose Bowl victory over Washington State on Wednesday in Pasadena. The Sooners' 34-14 victory was a magnificent team effort, as the young squad finished 12-2 for the season."

Happy and proud because...? I mean, does he have any kids on the team, or is it one of those 'I'm a winner because some people brought in from OUTSIDE my state/city won a Championship IN my state/city.' I never could understand these sports-marks...

"I will always remember being a part of OU's locker-room celebration after the Rose Bowl victory and the postgame party at the team hotel where my wife and I were staying."

Does that sound... dirty? Someone ask Funaki, quick!

"This has been a great year to be a Sooners fan,"

Not so great to be a wrestling fan, though... Wonder who we should blame? Someone has to be in charge of the Talent... Wait.

"...and I look forward to the 2003 season, as Oklahoma will be challenged with a tough schedule that includes both Alabama and UCLA in non-conference games, plus the always tough Big 12 schedule."

Speaking of tough Big 12 schedules... What's in the works for WWe from Jan-Dec?

"My personal relationship with Coach Bob Stoops and his great staff is one that I value tremendously."

Yeah... Everyone in Oklahoma loves the guy's staff... Heh. Think he got the name 'Stoops' from his PARENTS?

"Now we turn our sights to the all-important recruiting season, which looks like it will produce some awesome results for the Feb. 6 national signing day."

All-important recruiting season? Well, my my my. I shouldn't be surprised, though... Everyone knows that college football is more important than wrestling. IT SEZ SO ON THE INTERNET HOME OF THE ONLY NATIONAL WRESTLING PROMOTION, RIGHT? Must be true.

"The primary reason for my ceasing writing this column is twofold"

Well, now, THIS oughta be GOOD... (pulls up comfy chair and opens popcorn)

"First, my lack of time to properly devote to the Ross Report due to my many other responsibilities for WWE is the major reason."

Yeah. Vince has lots of shoes... Imelda Marcos lots.

"Being on the road 50 weeks a year doing our TV shows and my responsibilities as Senior Vice President in charge of talent... is virtually a seven-day-a-week job."

I'm sure... Who does it, exactly?

"Plus, I will be spending a great deal of time in a few months promoting our upcoming cookbook and rollout of our BBQ sauce project, which has long been a labor of love for yours truly."

Our cookbook? As in Vince gets a kickback? And what the hell is up with the BBQ, Saucy? You've been shilling the stuff for two years, and I haven't seen bottle the first... Suppose I should chalk it up to your other can't miss deals, hmmm? Like the Blue Chipper version of Rocky Maivia, and that Orton kid... Wait.

"On a personal note, I have found it to be very challenging to continue to write about the talent roster I manage."

Gee, wonder why? Oh, yeah, that 'making something of nothing' thing... And vice versa. God, I'm soooo pleased that I fought the urge to buy that stock...

"I compare it to declaring which of your children you like the best, which is unfair to the talents not mentioned in any given Report."

Well, I'd say HHH is pretty sure which of the Smothers Brothers HE is... Same with RVD.

"Kinda like my late dad used to say, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."

I hear he said that to you a lot... at feeding time.

"I have never intended to slight any talent, but the... Ross Report can be perceived as a negative for that individual."

Yeah, and then there's the negatives perceived about the talent you DO write about... Wonder who you'll bring in to bury RVD and the cruisers for ya? We should have a pool.

"That was never my goal, but it seemed like the column oftentimes took on a life of its own, with many often writing about what "J.R. really was saying."

Someone has to; you suck at it.

"My goal was always to be honest and up front and to provide a unique perspective of WWE,"

Yeah... 2002 has been a banner year for meeting goals around there, hasn't it? No, clearly not.

"...especially our talent roster of Superstars, which I have the utmost respect and appreciation for. 2003 is going to be a great year for WWE, led by the greatest array of talent, from top to bottom, on both the RAW and SmackDown! rosters, that I have ever been associated with in my 25-plus years in our wonderful business."

And that's been 28 years too long, by my estimate... Yeah, I know it's only been 26.5 or so...

"My sincere thanks to all of you worldwide who have supported the Ross Report over the years and for your continued support of WWE."

You sure quitting is a good idea, bro? I mean, it's not like we go to the WWE site to find out 'news'... Without you as the mockery-magnet, there's gonna be a MASSIVE drop in hits... You think people give a shit what DROZ and those 'other writers' say? Bitch, PLEASE. Droz's two cents is overcharging by a nickel. Though it does beg the question... Will he get your spot in the desperate hope that we won't pick on a gimp? How's it been working for YOU?

"God bless you all, and I hope each of you have a happy and healthy new year!"

Except you stinking, no-good, smart-mouth internet scum-suckers. You can all take a flying leap into a steel smelt. Bastards. How dare they chase me off the face of the earth... I'm Jim ROSS! I'm IMPORTANT! I... can't feel my right arm.... Uh oh.

(Sips champagne) Yeah... I'd like to step up as helping bring this about... YEARS of Zenk and Honkytonk Man giving you crud, and it only takes TWO MONTHS of me before you decide to pack it up... I wonder how long it would have taken if I really, y'know, went AFTER him? Anyone think this is a coincidence? (crickets chirping) Right then. Well, there's only one thing to say about that...

You're welcome. See you SOON.