I Smell It Too...
Originally Posted 4-12-03

Hello, my intended...

Your old buddy Bobo here once again... Sorry it's been so long, but between the myriad family emergencies and the old influenza seizing me in it's filthy jaws. This miserable sick, combined with the post-Wrestlemania 'surprises' have all but drained me of the will to live... Let's examine...

Roddy fucking Piper returns... Now people, I was one of Piper's biggest marks back in the day. I even watched his MOVIES, and I still have fun watching the fight scene in 'They Live', even if he DOES job to Keith 'voice of Goliath the Gargoyle' David. Not too big a fan of his teaming with Billy Blanks those several times, mind, but that's mostly because I prefer Blanks as a heel (King of the Kickboxers). Sure, the guy was incomprehensible sometimes (like when he talked) but all in all it was simply the delivery. Piper was a crazy heel when most heels were 'cocky', 'monsters' or 'cowardly'. It worked. But as much as I enjoyed Piper being a mean-spirited, rotten, backstabbing bastard, I'm somewhat put off by him being a mean-spirited, bitter, resentful old has-been.

Sure, people wouldn't have loved Hogan as much if they didn't hate Piper so much, but that's hardly putting the 'credit' on anyone. Because it's not attributable to any single person, dumbasses. Piper was one part (heel), Hogan was one part (face), and Vince was one part (promoter). The success of it, however, was due to none of them - but rather all of us. The fans. Remember us? We're the guys that believed in your bullshit back in the day, so you could believe in it NOW. But the facts haven't changed, folks... it's still just bullshit.

Hogan is a miserable backstabbing scumhook that held people down, elevated his friends to Main Event despite total lack of talent or ability (Ed Leslie, aka Suck of All Sucks that Ever Sucked, especially), and generally demoralized and fucked over everything in sight to keep himself in the top-tier, while he gobbled steroids like Flintstone's Chewables - all while telling the little Hulkamaniacs to be good, say their prayers, eat their vitamins, and don't do drugs. See, saying one thing and doing another is not just hypocrisy - it's bullshit.

Piper is a rambling, psychotically delusional fuckstick that has his head stuck in the 80s and up his ass on alternating days. Did you read his book? Pee Wee Herman references? RuPaul? I suppose they got a ghost writer because the publisher couldn't take an original written in crayons. This guy was once the Heel of all Heels, but now is a 'family man' who is 'looking out for the boys'... Fine I guess, turns aren't uncommon, after all. But this paragon of virtue used the death of his cousin Owen as a tool to hype his BOOK on NWA-TNA. A guy that challenged Wayne Ferris to a 'shoot' fight for DARING to make fun of him, and at the end asked if Ferris was a '45 man, or a 38'... A guy that 'hates the internet', yet has an offical website hawking his interviews and tapes. A guy that 'hates the dirtsheets', yet by his own admission PRODUCED one. A guy that is all for 'telling it like it is' and 'pulling no punches' that has anything that isn't a glowing rave of how wonderful he was and still is, or similarly remotely resembling criticism yanked from his site or message boards. Riiiight.

Vince is a desperate, meandering sociopath who uses his 'power' to keep everyone in line. A creative genius that created what? Right. Pro-wrestling existed long before Vince came along, so he didn't create that. Wrestlemania wasn't the first wrestling Pay-Per-View, so he didn't create that. The 'rock and wrestling' connection existed long before Vince paired WWF with MTV, so he didn't create that. VKM SENIOR gave Bollea the name 'Hogan' because he wanted an Irish guy, so Vince didn't even invent Hulk Hogan. Wrestling with 'Attitude' existed long before Russo xeroxed it for Vince, so he didn't create that. Now let's consider what he DID invent... The World Bodybuilding Federation. The XFL. The Gobbledygooker, and a host of other 'can't miss' articles that R.D. Reynolds made a name for himself by jeering. Vince says he's a Genetic Jackhammer, and as proof we have... Shane and Stephanie. Hmmm... Yes. Vince says that he could have given the Hulk gimmick to anyone and it would have been just as big... Hmmm. Let's ask Rock-a-Billy Gunn how well he flew as 'Honkytonk Man II'. Let's ask Glenn Jacobs about how well he flew as 'Diesel II'. Let's ask Brian Lee how fucking over the Undertaker was with HIM under the hat. So what it all boils down to, clearly, is bullshit.

THEN we have the return of Sable... You know, I seem to remember her quitting and then suing WWe because she refused to do a lesbian angle (with Chyna, IIRC). Now she's going all Glenn Close following TORRIE around. Hey, at least she picked a female this time, right? That wouldn't be so bad, but she was sitting ringside ogling the Torrie PLAYBOY issue this past Smackdown, and there was a ten year old kid all but peeking over her right shoulder at it. Maybe she was just looking at the articles, but that's NOT how it looked. It looked like Sable was giving a KID a free peek at what was under the suit of the wench in the ring, and that's completely fucking reprehensible. If the demographic is for older teens and adults, then brother, what the FUCK is a ten-year-old kid doing AT the show? I suppose they'll try and tell us he was a midget...

THEN we have Bill freaking Goldberg. The guy... Da Man... Duh Whatever. Two Years in Exile with Mailbox Money by the ton. A 'legit' badass that used to be bodyguard for Deion Sanders before he was cut from the Hawks and made a living as a bouncer - until DDP 'discovered' him and brought him in. (Thank YOU, Paige Falkenberg. Kindly drop dead.) A guy with an Dominant Force type Ego that makes Jim fucking Hellwig look like the Humble Pie concession. A guy that put Bret Hart on the shelf because he didn't know how to 'pull' a thrust kick (one of the first spots a guy is taught, IF he's taught). A guy that got taken down by someone half his fucking size (Jericho) for running off at the mouth backstage, causing even Zenk to turn against 'The Highlight of the Night'. After all, Z-Man was pretty much the only person on the internet demanding Vinnie hire the guy and save the company. I also seem to remember him suggesting Scottie Steiner would turn things around... But hey, who's right ALL the time? Heh.

See, the last time they had a 'superstar signing' get into it with one of the guys that was already there, they fired the big schlong - Bagwell, anyone? The comparisons don't end there, of course... Bagwell was a shitty wrestler - just like Goldberg. Bagwell was pushed to the moon for no discernable payoff - just like Goldberg. Bagwell only got the spots he did on the card by 'making the right friends' - just like Goldberg. The only difference is that Bagwell has a microscopic speck of personality; while Bill's still allowing six to eight weeks for delivery - FOUR YEARS and COUNTING.

And how long do think it'll be before Hunter pops up with a copy of 'I'm Next!: The Strange Journey of America's Most Unlikely Superhero'? Get a stopwatch. Here's a sample:

"The world was a blur. All I could make out was the glare of the lights above the ring. As my senses were returning, Kevin Nash's leathery crotch came into focus. Using a real cattle prod was my idea. If I was going to lose, it was going to look as realistic as possible, but when I ate the voltage I knew why those big beasts were so cooperative. As the crowd started to chant "Goldberg . . . Goldberg . . . Goldberg," I lay there wondering what the hell I was doing flopping around the ring like a fish in a Speedo. I wasn't even really hearing the crowd for the first time in my professional wrestling career, their rallying chant was wasted breath. The mighty Goldberg's 175-match streak was about to end. Something else was filtering into my brain, and I distinctly remember the words. "Whatever you do, do not become a professional wrestler."

I'm just ITCHING to see Da Man, NOW - aren't you?

So what does that leave us? A bunch of fans with nothing to cheer about... Maybe we can get a support group started with the Expos fans.

"Hello, my name is Bobo and I'm a fan."
"Hi, Bobo. Good day, eh?"

You're welcome. See you SOON.