Armageddon Tired of This Shyte

Originally Posted 12-13-02

Hello, my intended...

Well, it's been pretty hectic for your old buddy Bobo this past week. The laptop rolled over and died, more or less, and I spent Monday Night desperately trying to save my e-mail and wrestling articles by sending them over the network with what little power remained in the batteries...

Thankfully, I was mostly successful. Though I did lose some of the notes I had on a few of the articles I was working on... Anyhoo, since today is Friday I decided to pound out my article, as well as anything else I thought might entertain. So now that you know where Mr.Fiendish has been this week, I think it's time for us all to see where he's going...

God: Hell.

But... Wait a second! Isn't that a bit harsh?

God: You keep using Me for comedy bits.

Fair's fair, Man. You're watching my life, right?

God: That... That's different.

How, precisely?

God: .....I can't tell you. The information's unavailable to the mortal man.

Paul Simon lyrics? Okay, fine. Have it Your way. You invented doing the Job, after all... So whatever shall I do for this week's articles?

God: You mean you PLAN these? On PURPOSE?

I guess You wanted to ask that of someone instead of being asked it for a change, hmm?

God: Fair's fair, man... Heh.

....Okidoki. Like I was saying, we're looking at what could be the most aptly named PPV to come down the pike, which is one of the reasons I brought the Big Guy in.

Ar·ma·ged·don n.

  1. Bible. The scene of a final battle between the forces of good and evil, prophesied to occur at the end of the world.
  2. A decisive or catastrophic conflict.

Hmm... Well, that really DOES seem to be more accurate than originally considered... This pleases me. However, since Vince has long abandoned the 'tired' approach of good versus evil, we'll forego the first 'Biblical' definition, which would leave us with Number Two. Like always.

A decisive or catastrophic conflict... Well, it's apparently contexted to infer that it's one or the other, so let's consider the first... Decisive... Hmm.

de·ci·sive adj.
  1. Having the power to decide; conclusive.
  2. Characterized by decision and firmness; resolute.
  3. Beyond doubt; unmistakable: a decisive defeat.

Well, at least we know that it's not going to be any of those... Which leaves us with what? Number Two. That's right! Isn't it fun to play along at home? Don't you feel a connection? But I digress.... So let's take a look at the definition of catastrophic, for grins.

cat·a·stroph·ic adj.

  1. Of, relating to, or involving a catastrophe.
  2. Extremely harmful; bringing physical or financial ruin; "a catastrophic depression"; "catastrophic illness"; "a ruinous course of action"

Well, now it's beginning to make some sense, idnit? Let's look at the State Secrecy level of hype... Sure, there gonna be that whole HHH/HBK thing, which is definitely going to take the lion's share of time with THREE matches. Yeah, like anyone thinks they won't go to the third one... But I'll save the predictions for a later time, since Annie has been after me to do a guest PPV Pick type View. It wasn't until the Tuesday prior to the card that they added the Big Show/Angle thing, and not until after Smackdown that the other TWO matches were tacked on... Bringing the whole card up to a mind-numbing FOUR matches.

I guess they're going with QUALITY over QUANTITY. Must... Not.... Laugh.... Yeah, that's working great for Nintendo, but at least THEIR side businesses are, y'know, successful.

Bottom line, folks, is that they're betting the farm on HHH/HBK actually selling the event. You'd think by now they'd have built up an immunity to staggering disappointments tinged with impending fiscal ruin, what with all the side businesses and all, but noooooooo. Strike up the Band.... Yeesh. Say, didn't they make the band play music while the Titanic sank? Yeah, that was cool. Except I already used a ship sinking disaster analogy, so we'll ignore that one...

Moving right along, I can pretty well say with a reasonable surety that the 'dinosaur with the little lizard's head' is headed for extinction. On a BULLET TRAIN, by all accounts. Or would that be an 'A' Train? Heh. Yeah, Albert deserves a push for putting Misterio out... Right in front of a truck should do nicely, I'd say. The stock is tanking like a Tijuana alcoholic with a gold card; their 'top stars' are not content with hogging the spotlight on the free shows, and are now hogging the PPV time as well; and JR... Well, I'll let him tell you:

"RAW had some bright spots from where I was sitting and is still a work in progress, but I did enjoy much of the in-ring product, which is generally my personal focus."

I kind of thought his personal focus was the OU College team, since that's what he spent the first three paragraphs on... Love your report, Ross... It's always best when you wacky boys load the gun FOR me. Still a work in progress, he says? It didn't take THIS long to build the frickin' PYRAMIDS. The truth is, apparently, what we see is what we get. The only thing that's changed is that NOW they can blame the 'youngsters for not stepping up'... After all, it couldn't be that everyone's sick of HHH and HBK, now could it? Nah. Couldn't be THAT.

"More talents need to continue to be provided opportunities to move up, and it looks like that is the case. I like the long-term planning I am hearing about, and I think that we are very close to RAW becoming an even more viable broadcast, much sooner than later."

Long term planning assumes you have a future, so I'm chalking it up to flawed logic and barbecue benders... What's the point in providing opportunities when the second someone starts getting heat the old guard either try to steal it or snuff it? Just trying to show you're 'for the boys' again, huh, Ross? Like anyone believes you anymore... Shit, Patterson has more credibility these days. Nice to know the Undertaker may be back on Smackdown soon, since people are starting to ENJOY that show - despite the whole Family Wilson travesty.

"Our business has always been talent-driven, and it always will be. The goal is to obviously get more talent to elevate to main-event status and create more "box office" and make new stars. That game plan is in place, but there is no quick fix or short cuts in this process, even though all of us would like for it to have happened "yesterday." I sincerely believe we are "thisclose" to accomplishing some great things creatively, and it looks as if 2003 is going to be a breakout year for many deserving talents."

So, what he's trying to say seems to be, "Yes, the world is on fire, but it's because nobody is stepping up to the level we need..." He also shills the open tryouts they're going to have at OVW to get some new talent in there and maybe find someone new that they can push to the moon and save the company... Say, that worked GREAT with Brock, huh?

Then there's THREE pages of injury reports and hope about when some will return, plus the usual fluff about their overseas hully-gully... Then THIS disturbing news...

"I look for Shawn Michaels' in-ring schedule to increase somewhat, especially if his back continues to respond well to the physicality he is currently experiencing. I love HBK's "old-school" ability to tell a story in the ring and personally prefer this style over any other style out there. Shawn has the ability to be an awesome teacher to our younger talents."

Goody. More Shawn Michaels. That's gonna sell tickets... Right. Even more interesting, is that JR thinks it could be a GOOD thing that anyone learns how HBK got so successful. I'm sure Patterson can't WAIT for the homework assignments to begin... coming due, shall we say? In truth, I'd love to see things from Ross's perspective, but I doubt there's room for BOTH our heads up there. Heh. Yeah, Ross prefers Michaels' style... He's also behind the boys... TURN AROUND FELLAS! Cover up and hang on to that goddamn soap!

Y'know, it begs the question: How do you perform fellatio when you can't move your face?

Answer: On command. Just like always...

You're welcome. See you SOON.